Setting goals to eat more fruit

I figure we were eight years old. It was the summer and my best friend and I were playing at her house. It was snack time and she picked a plum from a fruit bowl on the kitchen counter. She asked me if I wanted a plum too. As she inspected the plums and picked the one she liked, I distinctly remember wondering why she would choose to eat a plum, rather than the Oreos that were in the cupboard. (Her mom bought Oreos, mine did not.)

Looking back, I suppose that mind-set has never really changed in 30 years. Given a choice, I’ll eat Oreos over a plum (baked goods rather than fruit) any day of the week.

I’ve struggled with picking healthy foods for years. Sure, I eat the stuff, but I would rather be eating the mind-satisfying fatty and/or sugary foods. So, when my therapist and I discussed goal setting, increasing my fruit consumption was one of the first items to tackle.

Like any seasoned dieter, I set the bar high and initially set my goal to eat a piece of fruit after each meal. My therapist pointed out that it might be better to start small, such as committing to eating a piece of fruit once a day and build from there. After all, if I start to feel like I’m on a diet, I also start to overeat. (Of course, this is a minimum - I can eat more fruit if I want to.)

We set parameters for what qualifies as a fruit: whole pieces of fruit, my husband’s berry crumble, and fruit with milk. Of course, the majority of time, I ate a piece of fruit, but if hubby happened to make a crumble, I counted it as a fruit. So I started eating a piece of fruit a day; if I didn’t make my goal for some reason, I started again the next day. (Feeling badly for not eating that piece of fruit would increase my anxiety and trigger overeating.)

After two months of eating a minimum of one piece of fruit a day, I increased my goal to include eating a fruit for dessert at dinnertime three times a week. (Note: we don’t have dessert after dinner – but I wanted to get in the habit of eating fruit after dinner or any meal for that matter). This actually worked very well; eating fruit with Daddy on the couch watching the Backyardigans is now a part of my older son’s bedtime routine and I’m happier to choose an apple or plum over a processed dessert now.

When I headed back to work in May after my maternity leave, again, I made a goal to increase my fruit consumption. My new goal is to eat all the fruit I bring to work by the time I get home. (Previously, I brought only one piece of fruit to work and it was not unusual for said piece of fruit to be shuttled to and from work for a week.) 

I’m pleased to report that I've achieved this goal; a peach on the train to the office, an apple in the afternoon and another apple on the train home. When I’m hungry I usually reach for a piece of fruit first.

Yesterday, I met a friend for lunch. I brought my salad, bun and fruit with me. She looked at the peach I was eating and noted that it didn’t look very tasty. Having eaten a whole bunch of not-so tasty fruit lately, I told her that I’ve had better, but this peach is actually not too bad.

That’s progress, I’m eating more fruit, and I’m no longer overeating on junk food if my peach happens to taste like cardboard.

Previous Post: When fruit just doesn't taste good part 2

When fruit just doesn't taste good part 2

“Fruit is sweet. It’s very tasty when it is in season.” I said to my therapist. “Not like chocolate, but it’s still sweet.”

“Yes, in comparison, chocolate is much more sweet.” My therapist replies.

I consider this silently for a few moments.

“I should keep in mind that fruit at one time was considered a treat and not widely available. If I want something sweet I should reach for an apple not a cookie, because an apple is sweet and better for me.”

“Just not as sweet as chocolate, cookies or ice cream.” She reminds me.

I don’t really know why I think that at some point in history that fruit was considered an indulgence (couldn't find any articles in a Google search). But to be honest with you, telling myself that I shouldn't take fruit for granted helps me reach for fruit instead of a chocolate bar to satisfy my sweet tooth more frequently.

My fruit-eating history is uneven. As a kid, I hated eating pulpy, dry oranges or navel oranges with the weird twin fruit nub. Sometimes apples seem to cut my gums and even though grapes are great, sometimes they had yucky seeds. My Mom would be absolutely appalled if she knew how much fruit I threw out from my packed lunch.

As an adult sometimes I’d eat lots of fruit, and sometimes next to no fruit. Before therapy, fruit eating (and salad eating) went in cycles with weight loss and Weight Watcher’s memberships. On plan = eating fruit; off plan = no fruit.

Thinking back, I've always considered eating fruit an unwanted obligation rather than a source of sweet food choice. I’d quickly forget about a good fruit eating experience and dwell on the well, let’s just say the tasteless, dry bad apple. So, I suppose it’s not surprising that whenever I thought that fruit didn't taste as it should, I’d eat a cookie or a chocolate bar to make up for the lack of taste; the lack of sweetness.

So now, in the maintenance phase of therapy, I eat anywhere between two and four servings of fruit a day. If I want something sweet, I eat a piece of fruit first. Although my choice of fruit (which I mix up to avoid overeating due to boredom) doesn't always taste good as I hope, I remind myself that is OK and focus on the health benefits.

Thank you Sarah at Fat So Sarah: A Weight Loss Journey for awarding me the Liebster Blog Award! Once I figure out how to copy and paste images to posts and my blog, I'll pay it forward too!

Previous Post: When fruit just doesn't taste good

Next Post: Setting goals to increase fruit-eating

How do you solve a problem like Oreos?

Oreos. Two chocolate wafer cookies separated by a creamy, sugary, icing that pairs wonderfully with a glass of milk or a bowl of ice cream; great for overeating on the couch, in the car or in the closet.

I love Oreos. I LOVE Oreos! I have overeaten and binged on many Oreos over the years: the original Oreo, double stuf, mint Oreos, Oreo ice cream, and Oreo ice cream sandwiched by two big Oreo cookies. Needless to say, I have all sorts of dieting baggage that accompanies every box of Oreos I decide to buy. I can’t seem to eat just one. Or four. Or even a whole row.

To me, the Oreo cookie represents all “bad” or restricted foods from the last twenty years. Oreos are one of those foods guaranteed to initiate overeating, if not a full-blown binge. Many of the pounds I’m hauling around today are a direct result of eating too many Oreos, especially during my two pregnancies.

In my last post, I wrote about why I always have something sweet (but not too sweet) in my house. I noticed that cupboards completely vacant of all foods of the restricted variety increased my anxiety and obsessive food thoughts. I also wrote about the mixed results of bringing super sweet foods such as Oreos (food with dieting baggage) into the house and how I would either overeat or forget about them entirely.

But, I didn’t write about how I cope with Oreos in the house (because I will always have a hankering for Oreos). Will I buy Oreos? Will I eat Oreos?

Yes, I will buy Oreos. Yes, I will eat (maybe even overeat) Oreos. If I do overeat on Oreos, it is important that I remain positive, do not feel guilty and start again immediately, “I had an oops moment, it happened, and now I’m going to forget about it.”

Before therapy, it was a struggle to leave the grocery store or convenience store without a package of Oreos or chocolates; neither food lasted very long in my house or at my desk.

The good news is that since therapy, I no longer crave Oreos as frequently.  No food (including Oreos) is considered off-limits and the conflicting mental battle of wanting to eat but can’t or shouldn’t eat it thoughts are manageable. So buying Oreos on the rare occasion does not initiate an anxiety-induced turmoil resulting in bingeing. It’s just one of those foods that sometimes I will eat a normal amount and sometimes I’ll eat more.  

Come to think of it, I haven't bought Oreos since May and those Oreos were destined for my son's ice cream birthday cake.

Next post: thoughts on a healthzone.ca article on eating disorders

Previous post: Avoid junk food temptations! Keep junk food out of your house!

Avoid junk food temptations! Keep junk food out of your house!

It’s one of the most common dieting tips. Stock your refrigerator and pantry with healthy foods; clear your shelves of junk food and sugar. Remove the temptation and you will choose to (or have to) eat healthy food instead. This makes perfect sense right?

I was terrified to bring junk food such as heavenly hash ice cream, two-bite brownies or a family-sized bag of Cadbury Mini-Eggs into my kitchen. Ice cream would be gone within 24 hours; my husband was lucky to get a scoop. I’d eat a small bowl or two before breakfast and any other time of day I could scoop some in a bowl and wolf it down before anyone noticed.

Yes, I need to avoid junk food temptations. Junk food was not welcome in my house.

The annual wrench in my dieting effort (aka Christmas baking) increased my dread for the holiday season. I love baking gingerbread cookies, shortbread cookies and chocolate treats for presents and hostess gifts. But, I could not handle the temptation, I would eat my way through Christmas; I was lucky if I managed to keep some shortbread for New Year’s dinner.

I was approaching the three month mark in my cognitive therapy journey when Christmas rolled around. We were hosting four events: my son’s baptism, Christmas dinner, New Year’s Eve dinner and a family dinner. I baked more cookies than in previous years.

By some sort of miracle, I had lots of cookies for all the events. To my shock, I wasn’t even interested in eating the Christmas baking. Here and there I’d have a gingerbread man or piece of shortbread. Even with all the events and handmade gifts for friends, the cookies almost lasted until February.

Then something weird happened. I was feeling anxious; the hunting and obsessing about food started again. What was going on? I had baked and stored dozens of cookies for almost a month and a half; I managed to navigate a dieting minefield with ease. The temptation was gone, so why was I feeling anxious?

“I felt a sense of loss when all the Christmas baking was gone. Somehow I was comforted by having something sweet in the house. My anxiety increased significantly.” I told my therapist. “I think I need to have something sweet in the house.”

My therapist and I discussed this discovery. For months, I repeated my mantra, “I can eat it if I really want it. I can have more, buy more and make more if I really want it.” It took time and many bowls of granola for my subconscious to actually believe it. But when there was nothing left, (no cookies, no nothing) I was back in diet land: avoid junk food temptation; keep junk food out of your house! Instead avoiding temptation, removing all junk food simply made me crave it even more.

We came up with a plan to experiment with “bad” (or restricted) foods. I did what every magazine article tells you to not do; I brought junk food back into the house. One “bad” food at a time, I brought ice cream, Oreos, brownies and mini cupcakes to see what would happen.

My anxiety level decreased; I was, in fact, comforted by having some sort of treat/sweet food in the house. I could easily ignore ice cream, chips and crackers. With super sweet stuff like Oreos, brownies and mini cupcakes, I experienced mixed results. Sometimes I would forget about the box of Oreos on my pantry shelf, other times I’d eat an entire row of cookies in one sitting.

I brought in new foods such as Nonnis’ biscotti, a tasty treat, but I didn’t covet this food like I do with Oreos.  Sweets without the dieting baggage are the perfect comfort for me. I rarely crave eating the light, crunchy cookies. And when I make the positive choice to eat a biscotti, I eat it slowly (intuitive eating style) so I can enjoy the flavor and texture.

So now I do the exact opposite of dieting convention: I always ensure that I have something sweet (like the biscotti) in my house, sharing shelf space with the healthy foods. I discovered that even if tempting foods are physically removed from my house, this physical hurdle did not quell the psychological temptation. I wanted what I couldn’t have; increasing anxiety and cravings.

Note: I’m not suggesting that you start bringing your restricted foods back into your house. I believe that you need to do what works for you. That may mean keeping the most tempting foods at the store. I had the benefit of making this discovery with help from my therapist and the cognitive behaviour therapy process.  

Next post: Do I bring Oreos and other foods with dieting baggage into my house?

Eating the same thing day after day

Do you eat the same things over and over when you are dieting? I do. Whenever I find a diet-appropriate and tasty food combination I tend to eat it again and again and again. I’ve been eating the same food during work hours since I returned from my mat leave in May:

At home: glass of skim milk

On the train to work: peppermint tea

Breakfast: toasted whole wheat English muffin with peanut butter and a dollop of President’s Choice Twice the Fruit Jam.

Morning snacks: apple plus a handful of animal crackers and some chocolate chips

Lunch: roasted turkey and havarti cheese sandwich, coleslaw conservatively dressed with honey Dijon salad dressing, and a bag of veggies

Afternoon snack: another piece of fruit

On the train from work: if hungry and available, a piece of fruit

I know this is enough food to satisfy me, to give me enough energy to walk to and from the Go Train, work all day, perhaps go for a walk at lunchtime and arrive at home to eat dinner with hubby and my kids without becoming completely ravenous.

But yesterday, sabotaging thoughts started to creep back into my head.

For the first time since May, I opened my lunch bag and said to myself, “is this it? I want something different. Go to the food court now!”

I retrieved my therapy notes from my bag and read the following: feeling monotonous in meals can be a sign that the process is not going well.

Uh oh. I’ve been here before. I’m dangerously close to buying and eating junk food and in the worst case scenario, this feeling can turn into a binge.

But it didn’t. I stayed at my desk and ate the apple that I brought from home and thought about how cool, sweet and crispy it tasted. Eventually the craving for something else went away.
Knowing that the monotony of my food choices can lead to overeating helped me to defeat the temptation to buy junk food. And I keep in mind the words of encouragement from my friend Mandy: “Good things usually take a lot of work to achieve. I had no idea of the struggle you have... But having gone through struggle, educating oneself is the key to change.”

I’m learning how to think thin by handling one sabotaging thought at a time.

In addition, I need to change up weekday meals too. Any suggestions?

Intuitive Eating Review - eat when you are hungry

With the increasing popularity of intuitive eating, I thought I’d take a closer look as to why this approach to weight management was not the answer for me. From my last post, I wrote about participating in an intuitive eating support group. I started at the end of the summer 2001, and left the group in spring 2002.

When I left the intuitive eating group therapy, deep down, I knew that my eating issues remained unresolved. I suppose I thought I had the answer and the tools I needed; I just needed the strength to follow through on the seven rules.

Until now, I never really thought about why intuitive eating did not work for me. Throughout the next several posts, I’m going to examine the seven rules of intuitive eating (according to Geneen Roth) to determine why intuitive eating did not work for me.

Rule 1: Eat when you are hungry

Intuitive eating uses a hunger scale to help you figure out when to eat and when to stop eating. (Here are a couple of links regarding hunger scales for more info: Recognizing Hunger Signals, A New Hunger Scale.)

When I was a practicing intuitive eater, I believed I always needed to wait for the hunger pangs. But from the bagel experience described in my last post, sometimes those pangs would take hours and hours to come, causing stress and anxiety. If it takes more than three hours for hunger pangs to come, I’m marching into binge potential zone. I now realize that I need to be in tune to other signs of hunger such as losing focus, diminishing patience and a growing need to eat.

Two weeks ago, I found I was hungrier during the day at work. I planned the same meals as the week before, but it didn’t seem to be enough. So, I experimented with my hunger. Was I actually hungry or was it anxiety?

The hunger came in the afternoon after lunch. I had eaten enough food to be satisfied, so I decided to sit with the hunger a bit. Surprisingly, the hunger didn’t grow; it just stayed the same, a constant rumble in my tummy. Eventually, it just went away. It was anxiety, not hunger after all. If I were hungry, it would have escalated until I was a raving lunatic on the hunt for chocolate and mini-cupcakes.

It's difficult to determine when to eat. Of course, it’s simple for some, just like breathing. But, for others, like me, hunger isn’t just hunger. Hunger can also be anxiety masquerading as hunger. And this is why rule 1: eat when you are hungry was difficult for me. I was unable to figure out when I was hungry enough to eat, but not so hungry that I would overeat.

Tomorrow the review continues with Rule 2: eat sitting down in a calm environment

Eat every three hours

I mentioned in an earlier post that in 2001, I attempted to resolve the psychological reasons for my binge eating. I participated in a support group that followed Geneen Roth’s seven guidelines for intuitive eating: eat when you are hungry, eat sitting down in a calm environment, eat what your body wants, eat until you are satisfied, eat in full view of others, eat with enjoyment and eat without distractions.

At the time, I worked out at the gym before going to work and decided to buy a sesame bagel with peanut butter at the Bagel Stop for breakfast. The bagel was big, not massive, but a good size bagel. (Let me tell you, bagels are not a great choice to practice intuitive eating.) I waited, and waited and waited for hunger. I wanted a break from work the tension from not eating was becoming intolerable.

Finally, the hunger came at 2 pm. But, hold on; I can’t eat yet. I have to wait for my body queues to tell me what to eat. No food, no break in six hours. No wonder I convinced myself that my body wanted chocolate for lunch.

In 2010, my therapist observed: “I noticed that you overeat if you don’t eat for long periods of time.”

We reviewed my food journal and sure enough, a pattern became clear. Not eating for an extended period of time would trigger a binge. Typically, this occurred while running errands with the kids. Since it takes so much time to get a baby and a toddler in the car, I would leave the house shortly before lunch time.

As time passed, my hunger and anxiety level would grow. My son asks, “Mommy, can we buy mini-cupcakes?”

Hubby and my son were lucky to eat three or four; I would eat the rest by the morning.

To overcome this, she advised me to eat every three hours. It works well. When I’m at the office, I know when it’s approaching ten o’clock; the need for food rises. But I don’t get alarmed now. I know that I’m approaching the three hour mark and I need to eat my snack. After that, I’m fine until lunch.

Now that I think about it, this is another no diet dieting rule. Please click here for the updated rules..

In regard to intuitive eating, obviously eating a bagel for breakfast was a bad choice. Not eating for six hours caused stress and anxiety that I can still remember ten years later.

How do I lose weight & eat what ever I want?

Eat whatever you want. Eat whatever I want. Eat whatever I want?

How on earth will I ever take off this weight? I’ll always want to eat three bowls of granola for breakfast.

Then something happened in November. Instead of choosing granola for breakfast, I decided to have a bowl of Wheetabix. Wow - didn’t see that coming. Once I let go of what I could eat and couldn’t eat, the cravings for unhealthy foods declined.

“I’m ready to choose healthier foods,” I said to my therapist in January after two months of feeling liberated from the cravings, the confusion, and the struggle. “Great!” she answered enthusiastically. She must have known that I would eventually come to this conclusion.

I was surprised by her reply. I thought that in order to keep cravings and food obsession to a minimum that I would need to eat all the junk food in binge quantities that I desired. This, of course, would mean that I would always be overweight.

When I asked her how I actually lose weight, she said that many of her clients lose weight naturally since they eat smaller quantities and choose better foods. So from January until May, I started making healthier choices. But, from my clothes (and later confirmed when I actually weighed myself in March) I could tell that my weight was fluctuating, but not really go down (or up).

It took me eight months of thinking to figure it out.

Before therapy, I believed that in order to lose weight, I must be on a structured diet with strict rules and guidelines. I must count every calorie or point, meticulously plan every spoonful of food that went into my mouth and write everything down in order to control my eating. But I knew that this approach didn’t work (weight loss was never permanent) and is a big reason why food and weight is such an issue for me now.

I need to diet without a diet.

However, it’s not a diet. It’s a concept, a philosophy: eat healthy and if possible in smaller quantities. Vague, I know. Like something a doctor or a well-intended friend would say. It may not be a quick way to lose weight, but I think this is the only way to stay sane. And with 110 pounds to lose, I have to be in it for the long run.

MB, a like-minded blogger posted on her blog this morning her reasons for joining an online Slimmer this Summer challenge. One of the coordinating bloggers was curious as to why MB (as a no rule dieter) would choose to join a weight loss challenge with a set of rules. Her response sums up how I’m feeling right now about a structured diet.

After a few weeks of actively attempting to lose weight and reading MB’s posting, I realize that there are some rules that I’m following:

- No food journaling

- Flexible meal planning is helpful; meticulous meal planning is not

- Drink water as much as possible

- No food is considered off-limits, no quantity is too much

- Eat three balanced meals a day with reasonable portion sizes

- Eat three healthy snacks in between meals

- Eat every three hours

- Indulge in the occasional unhealthier food choice

- Choose the healthier food option as much as possible

- Choose smaller portions when possible

- Tackle cravings using the distract and delay technique

- Sign up for, train and complete 5K run

- Blog as much as possible

In any case, with or without Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig, you have to do what works for you.

The problem with bad foods

Eat normally, snack horribly.

For years I’ve known that I eat proper meals (balanced meal of protein, bread and vegetables), but I snack horribly. After reviewing a weeks’ worth of my eating patterns, my therapist agreed that I ate well balanced, normal meals, three times a day (thanks Mom for implanting this into my DNA). However, I also experienced both objective and subjective eating.

In basic terms, objective eating is eating a large quantity of food (example: eating a box of granola) and subjective eating is when you perceive yourself as eating a large quantity of food (example: eating two bowls of granola). Both types of eating are accompanied by feelings of loss of control.

I know I’m not the only one with a list of good and bad foods. The problem with labelling food as "bad" is that is human nature to want the something you can’t have. So a perfectly natural reaction to a bad food is to want it even more, developing wicked cravings. Over the years, cravings for bad food increased and my ability to resist those temptations decreased.

I couldn’t win: resist bad foods and I’d crave it more. Giving in to bad foods and I’d have feelings of guilt and shame: guilt for eating a bad food and shame that I was not strong enough, or in control enough to resist. No matter what I was doing, resisting or giving in to a bad food, my anxiety level increased. Anxiety makes you hungry; making it even more difficult to resist and perpetuating an endless cycle.

Limiting myself to a small portion perpetuates the same problem (say no to more, you want more even more). Wanting more but denying more increased cravings resulting in more anxiety and hunger.

I now tell myself:

• I can eat it if I really want to.
• I can have/buy/make more if I really need it.

Over time, knowing this and practicing this helped to decrease my obsession and cravings. Looking back, I estimate that this process took approximately three months, six therapy sessions and countless assurances from my therapist that eating bad foods or any foods in certain quantities of food was not as bad as I thought (such as a eating a whole box of Kraft Dinner)for my cravings to decrease.

In practice, if I decided that I really needed more (let’s say another bowl of granola), I would try to delay or distract myself with some other type of activity before consuming another bowl of granola.

 

Eat whatever you want?

“Eat whatever you want. No foods are restricted and you can have as much as you want.”

My heart sank when my therapist said this to me. I assumed that at some point after therapy that I would be able to go back to Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig and lose my weight. After all, chapter 5 of the Beck Diet Solution is called, “Pick Two Reasonable Diets.” I figured face-to-face therapy would work the same way.

Immediately I considered amending my original plan (step 1: reprogram thinking; step 2: lose weight) to (step 1: lose weight; step 2: reprogram thinking). The only problem is that dieting had become an impossible task. Every minute of a dieting day is difficult and angst-ridden. I had been down this road before with intuitive eating and frankly the idea of no structure scared the hell out of me.

And then she added: “But, you must write down what you want to eat first.” Well, I thought. At least there is some sort of structure.

Here were my guidelines:

• Prepare a meal plan for the day.

• Include details such as portion size and number of helpings.

• No foods are off-limits as long as I write it down in the meal plan first.

• If I want to eat something that is not in the meal plan, I had to plan that food or additional helping into a future meal.

• Plan my meals the day before, or any time during the day.

I already found meal planning and journaling difficult, so my first week was challenging. Even though I could plan to eat whatever I wanted, I remained paralysed from making food choices. So, with the help of my therapist, we planned a few days of meals together. I allowed for reasonable portion sizes and planned for a good mix of healthy and not-as-healthy snacks and balanced meals.

As for following my own meal plan, it went fairly well. Sometimes I found that I wanted an additional helping of something (let’s say granola) that was not planned for. The need for more granola would grow, and become focused; the only way to satisfy this need was to give in and eat the additional helping of granola. That is when I learned that the need, the feeling I was experiencing was anxiety. Anxiety from 20 years of dieting telling me that granola is bad for me. That I shouldn’t be eating one bowl of granola, let alone two or three bowls.

I asked my therapist: “What do I do to handle the anxiety? How do I make it go away?”
 
She replied: “You have to learn to sit with it. It will pass.”

Anxiety: the weight loss saboteur

Souvlaki on Monday. Roast Chicken on Tuesday. Baked Fish on Wednesday. Frittata on Thursday. Chicken Pizza on Friday.

Hubbie and I sit at the dining room table planning out the menu for the work week. For most families, this is a one person job. I, however, am unable to plan meals without assistance. My thoughts are paralysed when it comes to food. I have such a hard time making a decision about what to eat. It’s even worse if I have to make a spur of the moment decision.

This food is unhealthy. This food is too healthy. I can only have a little bit of this food. This food doesn’t satisfy me emotionally. This food is only for special occasions. I don’t like how this food tastes. This food tastes too good and I may eat all of it.

With all the diet speak and rebel against the diet speak floating around in my head; you can see why I have a tough time with meal planning.

Through therapy, I discovered that I have a lot of anxiety when it comes to food. This comes from 20 years of flipping between diet mode and planning to diet mode. You may be familiar with planning to diet mode: eating big helpings of all those off-limit foods because you will no longer be able to eat said foods once you go into portion-controlled, restricting-your-food diet mode again.

The problem with anxiety is that it makes you hungry. I suspect that many people like me do not like feeling anxiety and eat to make it go away. To tackle anxiety, I had to learn (and believe) the following:

• I can eat it if I really want it. (But, I will try to delay or distract myself before having another helping.)
• I can have more/buy more/make more if I need it.
• I'm feeling the anxiety because I think I must limit myself.
• I must learn to sit with the anxiety. It will pass.

Nothing says "I'm dieting" more than a food journal

Ah – food journals. Recording one’s food intake is a loathsome part of dieting. It’s just another side of dieting that offers daily opportunities for feelings of guilt and shame.

Dieting motivation is always high in the beginning. It courses through my veins like a sugar rush; it’s easy to journal, kind of fun in a way. “Look at all the healthy food I’m eating!” “Look another glass of water I can check off!” I say to myself.

But as time marches on, I start to believe that writing in the food journal is not as important as originally thought. I begin to skip this task; a meal here, a day there.

Motivation wanes. Unplanned eating begins to increase and goes on undocumented in the food journal. Soon there is less recorded eating and more unrecorded eating.

“What’s the point?” I think to myself and journaling stops altogether. The dieting effort stops shortly thereafter, as terminating journaling always seems to be the beginning of the end of dieting.

So I was hesitant when my therapist asked me to record my food intake. “Eat whatever you would normally eat. No restrictions on your food or in the amount that you eat.” Immediately I felt my body going into a diet mode and every fibre in me wanted to rebel against the task. However, I reminded myself that I had come for help and apparently journaling was going to help in some way.

The therapy food journal required far greater detail than a regular dieting journal. Along with the usual documentation of food and drink consumed, I was also required to note: time of eating or drinking; indicate episodes that I considered binge eating; any compensatory behaviour (such as purging or laxatives); and events of feelings that influenced my eating. And, record my weight.

Although it took me six more months to actually step on a scale to record my weight, the therapy food journal provided a new perspective into my eating issues.

I was shocked to learn that a lot of my problems actually came from dieting.

Not a normal eater

“You just have to stop eating so much.”

My friend’s words irritated me. Of course I know that. I’ve been dieting on and off for years. It was the final trimester of pregnancy, and I was starting to think about the daunting task of losing all the baby weight.

I responded: “I’m telling you, there is something different between you and me. You don’t think about food the same way I do. You don’t obsess and think about food every minute of the day. There is something wrong in my head and I don’t think there is any point in attempting to diet unless I address that first.”

My friend is one of these people who can have a box of cookies sitting on her desk for weeks at a time. She has never struggled to lose or maintain weight. She is a thin person and thinks like a thin person. I have no doubt that if her brain and thin thinking could somehow be inserted into my head that she would have an easier time losing the baby weight (and more) that I’m currently lugging around.

I was going to do things differently this time. This time, I had a new plan: step 1: go to therapy and reprogram my thinking. Step 2: start diet and lose weight. In September 2010, I was ready to implement the plan.

In the first appointment we talked about my eating/weight issues history, including bulimia, perpetual cycles of weight loss and gain, countless Weight Watchers' memberships, and previous attempts at therapy to address these issues.

I developed bulimia shortly after retiring from seven years as a competitive synchronized swimmer. Even though I stopped purging twenty years ago, I continued to binge-eat (or perceive myself as binge-eating) and never resolved the underlying issues of the eating disorder. I learned that my suspicions were correct and that I am not normal eater, and I have an eating disorder. It's called Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS).

We discussed what I wanted to get out of therapy and setting goals; having a normal relationship with food. I want to be a person who can have ice cream in the freezer, chips in the pantry and a bag of cookies on my desk. I don't want to be ruled by cravings and feelings of guilt and dissatisfaction. I told my her that I wasn't hopeful that I could change. Without skipping a beat, she told me that I should be hopeful.