Have I learned to think like a thin person?

Comment Munchberry Re: Thinking about food all the time

Since your blog's name is the actual thing we are driving towards - you have far greater insight on such matters. I do wonder how to curb my obsession (I try) and how not to obsess on the curbing (so it won't take over my life - how it might become natural). I wonder if it is possible or if it is just going to be about finding work arounds. Any thoughts?

I replied: 

  

My thinking is changing, the connection and food obsession is loosening its grip on me. So yes, it is possible to change your thinking. In my case, there was no way that I could have gotten here on my own. Cognitive therapy was the key.

I know many people are happy and it works for them to use a work around. I couldn't live with the struggle any longer. Well I could, but the anxiety caused me to eat and eat and I was getting bigger and bigger.

I'll expand more in a blog posting....

I ate relatively normal, healthy, well-balanced meals, but I snacked horribly. This is how I described my eating habits to my doctors, therapist and nutritionists sixteen months ago.

I would overeat and even binge on snack food. Snack time was anytime that was not meal time. My appetite for snacks was insatiable. If ice cream happened to be in the freezer, I would eat a bowl before breakfast. If there was a package of Oreo cookies in the pantry, I would grab two or three or five at a time throughout the day until the package was finished.

At work, I would search the food court searching for the perfect snack to augment the lunch I brought from home. A package of mini Skor bars, mini Reese Peanut butter cups, or Hershey’s milk chocolate usually caught my attention. But I also munched on packages of chocolate wafers, chocolate chip cookies, two-bite brownies. I would plow through a package in a matter of hours, none lasted overnight.

I attempted to make compromises, but that usually meant drinking 500 ml carton of chocolate milk, instead of eating a package of chocolate. Or buying two cookies from Treats or Tim Horton’s instead of buying a package from the grocery store.

Of course, when I was in diet mode – snacking stopped – at least the unhealthy kind. But over the years, dieting had become increasingly more challenging. The amount of time that I could be in diet mode shrank and the time between Weight Watchers’ memberships grew.

Finally, I decided that I couldn’t be live like this any longer. Thankfully, unbeknownst to me, our family had just moved to a house that was located ten minutes away from a cognitive therapy practice. My hope for therapy was to change my negative eating behaviors into positive ones. I hoped to learn to think like a thin person.

So, have I learned to think like a thin person?

The best way to figure out that question is to compare my thinking before and after cognitive behaviour therapy:

Before cognitive behavior therapy:  I craved food all the time.  In particular, I craved snack/junk/fast food.

After:  Junk food cravings have decreased significantly. Instead of craving junk food, I now crave vegetables.

Before: I always ate everything on my plate, even if the food didn’t taste good.

After: I don’t feel the need to eat everything on my plate, including the food that doesn’t taste good.

Before: I would eat second and third portions of the starch/carb section of the meal.

After: I’m usually satisfied by one starchy serving. However, I will have second servings of vegetables.

Before: I was obsessed with taste. If food didn’t taste good, I would overeat other foods to satisfy this need for food to taste good.

After: I’ve accepted that sometimes food just doesn’t taste as good as I want. And that’s OK. If food doesn’t taste as good as I expect, it doesn’t trigger overeating.

Before: I could not keep ice cream in the freezer or cookies in the pantry.

After: I can keep ice cream in the freezer; it does not trigger eating. I actually don’t feel the need to buy ice cream. Cookies in the pantry will go faster than ice cream, but like the ice cream, I don’t feel the need to buy cookies.

Before: If I was out of the house (or away from the office) and I was hungry, I would use that as an opportunity (excuse?) to buy a junk food snack.

After: I prefer healthy snacks from home, so I take food with me. Or, I’ll wait until I get home or back to the office.

Before: At the office, I would hunt for food to satisfy a taste for junk/snack food.

After: I prefer the food from home. I only buy what I need for a healthy lunch (i.e. lettuce for a salad etc.)

Before: It was a struggle to leave any store without buying junk food.

After: It’s not a struggle. The need to buy junk food has vanished.

Before: If I went to a restaurant, I would favor an establishment that served high-fat, deep-fried, and processed food over fresh options.

After: I recently went out to lunch with friends, and I voiced the opinion that I was not interested in going to the pub or Swiss Chalet. We went to the Cora's instead.

Before: I would eat packages of chocolate bars or cookies at my desk in secrecy.

After: No eating in secrecy. I still eat chocolate (usually in the form of chocolate chips), but I have only eaten one chocolate bar (that I bought for myself) in six months.

Before: I preferred to drink hot chocolate for comfort on winter evenings.

After: I prefer peppermint tea that is comforting any time of year.

Before: The only way to stop the constant barrage of cravings was by using willpower, which was in dwindling supply.

After: If I have a craving, I let the craving come and go, I don’t let it turn into an obsession so it doesn’t trigger eating.

Before: Categorize food with "good" and "bad" labels.

After: It’s all food. Some food choices are healthier than others.

Before: Obsessed over the "bad" foods and didn’t want to eat the “good” foods.

After: I prefer to eat healthier foods (real food) now. I see fast food, packaged food, and most restaurants as fake food; food that satisfies your mind but does not fuel your body.

Before: Routinely rewarded good eating with treats.

After: I don’t feel the need to do this.

Before: Followed dieting rules only when I was a Weight Watchers member.

After: I know that following a structured diet program will trigger eating, but I also don’t need the accountability that a structured diet provides.

Before: I had to be a Weight Watchers member to lose weight.

After: I can lose weight without Weight Watchers.

Before: Weighed myself only when dieting, otherwise I avoided the bathroom scale.

After: I’m not freaked out by the scale. I don’t celebrate losses and I don’t freak over gains. It is what it is.

Before: Avoided mirrors.

After: Well, I still do that, but I do look every now and again.

Cognitive behaviour therapy has changed how I think about food and eating. I'm delighted to write that I don't think about food all the time. I crave healthy food, and the interest in junk food has diminished. It is much easier to lose weight with this new mindset. I'm not losing weight quickly - that is a big trade off, but what I am doing is virtually effortless. In time, I know I will be 20, then 40, then 60 (and so on) down to a healthy weight. 

Although I will never be a thin person with a naturally smaller appetite, I am well on my way to becoming a thin person that naturally chooses smaller portion sizes, eats healthy food choices, and indulges in higher fat food choices on occasion. 

Next post: How I learned to think like a thin person

When fruit just doesn't taste good part 2

“Fruit is sweet. It’s very tasty when it is in season.” I said to my therapist. “Not like chocolate, but it’s still sweet.”

“Yes, in comparison, chocolate is much more sweet.” My therapist replies.

I consider this silently for a few moments.

“I should keep in mind that fruit at one time was considered a treat and not widely available. If I want something sweet I should reach for an apple not a cookie, because an apple is sweet and better for me.”

“Just not as sweet as chocolate, cookies or ice cream.” She reminds me.

I don’t really know why I think that at some point in history that fruit was considered an indulgence (couldn't find any articles in a Google search). But to be honest with you, telling myself that I shouldn't take fruit for granted helps me reach for fruit instead of a chocolate bar to satisfy my sweet tooth more frequently.

My fruit-eating history is uneven. As a kid, I hated eating pulpy, dry oranges or navel oranges with the weird twin fruit nub. Sometimes apples seem to cut my gums and even though grapes are great, sometimes they had yucky seeds. My Mom would be absolutely appalled if she knew how much fruit I threw out from my packed lunch.

As an adult sometimes I’d eat lots of fruit, and sometimes next to no fruit. Before therapy, fruit eating (and salad eating) went in cycles with weight loss and Weight Watcher’s memberships. On plan = eating fruit; off plan = no fruit.

Thinking back, I've always considered eating fruit an unwanted obligation rather than a source of sweet food choice. I’d quickly forget about a good fruit eating experience and dwell on the well, let’s just say the tasteless, dry bad apple. So, I suppose it’s not surprising that whenever I thought that fruit didn't taste as it should, I’d eat a cookie or a chocolate bar to make up for the lack of taste; the lack of sweetness.

So now, in the maintenance phase of therapy, I eat anywhere between two and four servings of fruit a day. If I want something sweet, I eat a piece of fruit first. Although my choice of fruit (which I mix up to avoid overeating due to boredom) doesn't always taste good as I hope, I remind myself that is OK and focus on the health benefits.

Thank you Sarah at Fat So Sarah: A Weight Loss Journey for awarding me the Liebster Blog Award! Once I figure out how to copy and paste images to posts and my blog, I'll pay it forward too!

Previous Post: When fruit just doesn't taste good

Next Post: Setting goals to increase fruit-eating

When fruit just doesn't taste good

“Don't buy peaches this week; they aren’t lasting very long and half the basket is going out to the recycling bin.”  My husband and I were discussing the weekly trip to the grocery store. The peaches were so delicious this year, dripping with juice and peachy sweet. I could have eaten them all day; with one exception, a dry, tasteless peach that left more disappointment than satisfaction.

Despite the fact that the peach growing season is coming to a close and the quality is shrinking, I decided to buy a basket of peaches. They looked delicious and thankfully, not too ripe. They should last for the remainder of the week. Unfortunately, the next morning, I was disappointed. My lovely peach was hard; my front two teeth didn't even break the skin. Immediately I knew my eating plan for the week in jeopardy.

One of the earliest discoveries in the cognitive behavior therapy sessions was realizing that if the food I eat doesn't taste good I eat additional food to make up for the lack of taste. Fruit is usually the common culprit in this scenario. But, it can also be triggered when eating new/different foods, or when a dish is prepared differently for some reason.  (This is another draw to processed food – I know what to expect, the taste and texture is always the same.)

An example: I decide to eat an orange because it’s a sweet, juicy fruit and a healthy food choice. However, instead of a juicy sweet orange, all I taste is the thick membrane, dry and tasteless pulp, and it’s overflowing with seeds. After eating the orange, anxiety-induced hunger washes over urging me to the convenience store (at work) or the pantry (at home). I’m unsatisfied, and the need for satisfaction grows. I head to Shoppers Drug Mart and buy a bag of mini Reese’s Peanut Butter cups, head back to my desk and slowly sneak chocolates for the next hour or two until the package is empty.

My therapist and I talked about this situation – the need for all food to taste good - pointed out that sometimes food is not going to taste as good. I have to keep in mind that it is just food and when the anxiety hunger comes I have to sit with it and resist the urge to eat to make up for the lack of taste. After all, another meal and another opportunity to acquire the taste satisfaction are only two to three hours away.

As for the peaches, they have ripened slightly for the past five days. I ate one while writing this post, utterly disappointed that there was no juice and only a hint of taste. But, I’m living with the disappointment and sitting with the anxiety.  My anxiety level has been up and down this week since the oranges I picked up have also been tasteless.

Apples may not be the most exciting fruit, but it is a consistent choice. It’s easy to spot the tasty from the tasteless. If only the tasty oranges, melons, peaches, pears and plums were as easy to spot.

Ho hum.

Previous Post: Back in the bike saddle

Sandy Naiman: How I got an eating disorder at 62

If you haven't had the chance, please read this healthzone.ca article, "How I got an eating disorder at 62" by Psych Central's blogger Sandy Naiman. I found many interesting points and provided answers to my EDNOS diagnosis.

Here are my thoughts from the article:

I’m 62 and 5-ft. even. I’ve been an extreme yo-yo dieter my whole life, but it’s growing harder and more oppressive every day.

Harder and more oppressive every day is how I see my own dieting journey. Losing weight and dieting became increasingly impossible, my motivation and "willpower" to succeed was slowly replaced by anxiety and disdain of deprivation.

Disordered eating is defined as any sort of irregular eating behaviour that, while not exactly healthy, doesn’t fit the characteristics required for an eating disorder diagnosis. Chances are good that you’ve observed disordered eating at some point while listening to a group of women agonize over restaurant menus.

Recently, NEDA (National Eating Disorder Association) successfully pulled a Yoplait yogurt ad from the air due to the portrayal of diet negotiating language as healthy and normal. It's very common (I too, thought this was normal and healthy) but it's not healthy or normal. I blogged about the Yoplait ad here. 

"Anorexia, bulimia and what are known as “eating disorders not otherwise specified (EDNOS)” – including binge-eating disorder – are serious, potentially fatal mental illnesses, according to a 2011 report by the Academy for Eating Disorders (AED).

Once I stopped purging twenty years ago, I was no longer bulimic, but I knew that nothing changed psychologically. But if I didn't have bulimia, what was wrong with me? It wasn't until I entered into therapy that I learned about EDNOS, and now I can at least put a name and get treatment to get out of this hell hole.

“It’s well accepted by leading researchers that eating disorders are genetically pre-disposed, tend to run in families and have nothing to do with metabolism,” Tartakovsky says.

"Your metabolism is just slow," is a common catchphrase many well-intended people would tell me. I'm glad to know that the genetic aspect of my condition has nothing to do with my metabolism.

“Furthermore, genes turn on and off all the time,” Woodside explains. “Some genetic loading may be activated by dieting – this may be the most common environmental trigger – and other loading may be activated by other factors, such as the biological changes that occur in puberty.”

Holy cow, this is me. I discovered in cognitive therapy that all of my overeating, bingeing and obsession with junk food is directly related to decades of dieting. I can recall the feelings of dred and deprivation when my synchronized swimming coach told me to lose weight at the age of 13.

In her clinical practice, Bulik has seen adults with three manifestations of eating disorders. The illnesses can: start in adolescence and persist through mid-life, start in mid-life, occur in adolescence, with a recovery period, then recur in mid-life.

I'm the first manifestation, starts in adolescence and persists through mid-life. After 23 years, I'm tired of food and weight ruling my life.

15 MAJOR TRANSITIONS THAT CAN TRIGGER A LATENT OR FIRST-TIME EATING DISORDER

Wow, I may be on the way to becoming a normal, healthy eater who is not ruled by cravings, anxiety and five wardrobes spanning various sizes, but that can come undone by a major life-event. Good to know. 

“I didn’t want to preach against obesity,” Gura said. “I wanted to move to a better place in my life, to stop struggling, to accept myself.”

Yes, I want the struggle to end.

THERE IS HOPE

When I began cognitive therapy, I had no hope that I could change but my therapist told me that there is hope. Now, I know she was right.

These disorders are obsessions. They are not choices. They’re an irresistible urge to behave in a certain way, against your conscious wishes.

Obsession is how I often describe myself. Obsessed with the food I eat, obsessed with food I shouldn't eat, obsessed with my weight.

The addiction is to the behaviour of dieting, not the food, explains Woodside.

I didn't understand this statement until a friend said, "I know what makes me overeat, it's all about the carbs." That's when I understood it's not about the food (sweets, bread, french fries) it's about the behaviour that comes from dieting. If a diet tells me to limit carbs, I think about carbs, I crave carbs, I develop anxiety stemming from a fear of eating carbs, anxiety increases feelings of hunger, and I eat carbs to relieve the anxiety. It's not the carbs, it's rebelling from restricting yourself from eating carbs.

Both Bulik and Woodside say they are upset by the shortage of clinics and psychiatrists and psychologists treating eating disorders because they are misperceived as illnesses only affecting adolescent girls and young women.

In addition, do doctors recognize the more subtle signs of EDNOS in their patients? My family doctor completely dismissed me when I tried to get help a few years back telling me that, "dieting is hard for a lot of people."

The average waiting time for an assessment is now four months at Toronto General Hospital.

Wait times at clinics far from my house always deflated my resolve to get help. I went to a private cognitive behaviour therapy clinic. I called and had an appointment shortly thereafter. Expensive, but I was worth the investment.


What do you think? Does this article speak to you?

Previous post: French fries vs. the chef's salad

How do you solve a problem like Oreos?

Oreos. Two chocolate wafer cookies separated by a creamy, sugary, icing that pairs wonderfully with a glass of milk or a bowl of ice cream; great for overeating on the couch, in the car or in the closet.

I love Oreos. I LOVE Oreos! I have overeaten and binged on many Oreos over the years: the original Oreo, double stuf, mint Oreos, Oreo ice cream, and Oreo ice cream sandwiched by two big Oreo cookies. Needless to say, I have all sorts of dieting baggage that accompanies every box of Oreos I decide to buy. I can’t seem to eat just one. Or four. Or even a whole row.

To me, the Oreo cookie represents all “bad” or restricted foods from the last twenty years. Oreos are one of those foods guaranteed to initiate overeating, if not a full-blown binge. Many of the pounds I’m hauling around today are a direct result of eating too many Oreos, especially during my two pregnancies.

In my last post, I wrote about why I always have something sweet (but not too sweet) in my house. I noticed that cupboards completely vacant of all foods of the restricted variety increased my anxiety and obsessive food thoughts. I also wrote about the mixed results of bringing super sweet foods such as Oreos (food with dieting baggage) into the house and how I would either overeat or forget about them entirely.

But, I didn’t write about how I cope with Oreos in the house (because I will always have a hankering for Oreos). Will I buy Oreos? Will I eat Oreos?

Yes, I will buy Oreos. Yes, I will eat (maybe even overeat) Oreos. If I do overeat on Oreos, it is important that I remain positive, do not feel guilty and start again immediately, “I had an oops moment, it happened, and now I’m going to forget about it.”

Before therapy, it was a struggle to leave the grocery store or convenience store without a package of Oreos or chocolates; neither food lasted very long in my house or at my desk.

The good news is that since therapy, I no longer crave Oreos as frequently.  No food (including Oreos) is considered off-limits and the conflicting mental battle of wanting to eat but can’t or shouldn’t eat it thoughts are manageable. So buying Oreos on the rare occasion does not initiate an anxiety-induced turmoil resulting in bingeing. It’s just one of those foods that sometimes I will eat a normal amount and sometimes I’ll eat more.  

Come to think of it, I haven't bought Oreos since May and those Oreos were destined for my son's ice cream birthday cake.

Next post: thoughts on a healthzone.ca article on eating disorders

Previous post: Avoid junk food temptations! Keep junk food out of your house!

Avoid junk food temptations! Keep junk food out of your house!

It’s one of the most common dieting tips. Stock your refrigerator and pantry with healthy foods; clear your shelves of junk food and sugar. Remove the temptation and you will choose to (or have to) eat healthy food instead. This makes perfect sense right?

I was terrified to bring junk food such as heavenly hash ice cream, two-bite brownies or a family-sized bag of Cadbury Mini-Eggs into my kitchen. Ice cream would be gone within 24 hours; my husband was lucky to get a scoop. I’d eat a small bowl or two before breakfast and any other time of day I could scoop some in a bowl and wolf it down before anyone noticed.

Yes, I need to avoid junk food temptations. Junk food was not welcome in my house.

The annual wrench in my dieting effort (aka Christmas baking) increased my dread for the holiday season. I love baking gingerbread cookies, shortbread cookies and chocolate treats for presents and hostess gifts. But, I could not handle the temptation, I would eat my way through Christmas; I was lucky if I managed to keep some shortbread for New Year’s dinner.

I was approaching the three month mark in my cognitive therapy journey when Christmas rolled around. We were hosting four events: my son’s baptism, Christmas dinner, New Year’s Eve dinner and a family dinner. I baked more cookies than in previous years.

By some sort of miracle, I had lots of cookies for all the events. To my shock, I wasn’t even interested in eating the Christmas baking. Here and there I’d have a gingerbread man or piece of shortbread. Even with all the events and handmade gifts for friends, the cookies almost lasted until February.

Then something weird happened. I was feeling anxious; the hunting and obsessing about food started again. What was going on? I had baked and stored dozens of cookies for almost a month and a half; I managed to navigate a dieting minefield with ease. The temptation was gone, so why was I feeling anxious?

“I felt a sense of loss when all the Christmas baking was gone. Somehow I was comforted by having something sweet in the house. My anxiety increased significantly.” I told my therapist. “I think I need to have something sweet in the house.”

My therapist and I discussed this discovery. For months, I repeated my mantra, “I can eat it if I really want it. I can have more, buy more and make more if I really want it.” It took time and many bowls of granola for my subconscious to actually believe it. But when there was nothing left, (no cookies, no nothing) I was back in diet land: avoid junk food temptation; keep junk food out of your house! Instead avoiding temptation, removing all junk food simply made me crave it even more.

We came up with a plan to experiment with “bad” (or restricted) foods. I did what every magazine article tells you to not do; I brought junk food back into the house. One “bad” food at a time, I brought ice cream, Oreos, brownies and mini cupcakes to see what would happen.

My anxiety level decreased; I was, in fact, comforted by having some sort of treat/sweet food in the house. I could easily ignore ice cream, chips and crackers. With super sweet stuff like Oreos, brownies and mini cupcakes, I experienced mixed results. Sometimes I would forget about the box of Oreos on my pantry shelf, other times I’d eat an entire row of cookies in one sitting.

I brought in new foods such as Nonnis’ biscotti, a tasty treat, but I didn’t covet this food like I do with Oreos.  Sweets without the dieting baggage are the perfect comfort for me. I rarely crave eating the light, crunchy cookies. And when I make the positive choice to eat a biscotti, I eat it slowly (intuitive eating style) so I can enjoy the flavor and texture.

So now I do the exact opposite of dieting convention: I always ensure that I have something sweet (like the biscotti) in my house, sharing shelf space with the healthy foods. I discovered that even if tempting foods are physically removed from my house, this physical hurdle did not quell the psychological temptation. I wanted what I couldn’t have; increasing anxiety and cravings.

Note: I’m not suggesting that you start bringing your restricted foods back into your house. I believe that you need to do what works for you. That may mean keeping the most tempting foods at the store. I had the benefit of making this discovery with help from my therapist and the cognitive behaviour therapy process.  

Next post: Do I bring Oreos and other foods with dieting baggage into my house?

Weight Watchers is too restrictive part 2

I'd like to say that for any dieter reading this, I believe that you should follow the plan (be it Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, etc.) that is working for you. Obviously, for both my friend and I, Weight Watchers no longer worked for us.

My friend's therapist did say that Weight Watchers is one of the better programs on the market. But, like all structured diets, it's still restrictive. You can eat what you want and how much you want until you run out of points.

Whenever I was on Weight Watchers (and between memberships too; can you ever really turn off the diet mentality?) I was constantly worried that I would run out of points and I would dwell on what I could and could not eat. Meal planning was difficult; trying to figure out the proper balance and appropriate amount of quality foods to fuel the body and treats stave off any feelings of deprivation.

My last successful run on Weight Watchers was in 2005 and 2006 in preparation for my wedding. I knew from the outset that the points program wasn't going to work for me. I was one of the few core plan participants.  The core plan worked for me since I could eat unlimited quantities of core foods, tracking was not required and meal planning was fairly simple.

After the birth of my first baby, I again looked to Weight Watchers to lose the baby weight. I joined the online program and selected the core program. I lasted only months. The problem with the core plan is that I could only eat core foods. Sure, I could eat non-core foods, but then I had the freakin' point-planning headache.

Have you considered the psychological ramifications of restricting yourself? Constantly telling yourself that you can't eat this, can't eat that; or don't eat too much of this, don't eat too much of that? It's human nature to want what you can't have. For decades, I told myself that I couldn't eat all sorts of food such as ice cream, chocolate, cookies and even fruit juice.

Of course, you may be thinking that you can eat anything you want in small quantities (the flexibility of the points plan allows this). This strategy may work for you, but it could have the same psychological affects on your eating as restricting the type of foods you eat.

Let's say you've figured out that you have enough points to eat half a bag of Miss. Vickies' potato chips. But you really want to eat the whole bag of chips. Your anxiety level rises; you want the whole bag of chips, a half bag is no longer enough. There is an internal battle of wills: your motivation to lose weight and will to resist versus human nature and anxiety-induced hunger.

When my dieting career began, motivation and will power easily overcame my natural need to want what I couldn't have. As my dieting-induced anxiety increased, the human nature/anxiety side began to win the battle (these internal conflicts increased in frequency).

I suspect that not all dieters have this problem. I think some dieters aren't bothered by eating smaller quantities of food and not eating other foods at all.

So, if you are on Weight Watchers or some other structured diet, here are my tips for you:

• Make a positive choice "I'm choosing to eat a peach as a snack" rather than a negative decision "No, I can't eat a bag of potato chips for snack, I have to eat this peach instead."
• Whatever choice of food you decide to eat remain positive; don't dwell on the food that you're not eating. "I can eat the bag of potato chips if I really want to, but I've made the decision to not eat it because I would like to lose weight."
• Same goes for quantity of food. If you've decided to eat a smaller portion of food, don't obsess about your decision. "I can eat more potato chips if I really want to, but I have made the choice to eat a smaller amount because I would like to lose weight." 
• If you do eat a food or an amount of food that pushes you over your food limit, don't become preoccupied with your moment of overindulgence. Forget about your splurge and start fresh; feeling badly and obsessing about a binge or an overeating episode will only increase your dieting related anxiety. "I had an oops moment. It's over, I'm moving on."  

A final thought: what if the pressure to stay within your daily and weekly points limit causes so much anxiety that it triggers binges and overeating? Why do so many dieters gain back the weight they've lost and more?

Quick Links:
Weight Watchers is too restrictive part 1

Weight Watchers is too restrictive

We met more than 11 years ago on the banks of the credit river at the Don Rowing Club. My friend has soft, curly, long, brown (occasionally blonde) hair, and a huge smile that shows off her high cheekbones.

We are both athletic in nature. We’d rather be training for a 5 or 10 K run or a rowing or dragon boating regatta than spending time on an elliptical machine in the gym. Over the years, we’ve laughed, cried and chatted about everything from boys and career plans to friends and family, to fitness and our mutual subject of obsession, weight.

Both of our waistlines have been expanding over the years. Up and down our weight has gone; through cycles of dieting and overeating; on or off Weight Watchers; training for an athletic event or lazing on the couch just talking about it. I’m a lot bigger than her (my weight gain exploded during my two pregnancies) but for both of us, traditional dieting had become increasingly difficult.

She was very interested when I talked to her about what I was learning about my eating issues in cognitive therapy. We talked about how restricting yourself on a diet damages the psychology of your eating; anxiety and how it triggers hunger; and how dieting, following the all or nothing rules, results in anxious and guilt-ridden feelings triggering binges and episodes of overeating. We talked how it made so much sense and she is one of my friends supporting my blog.

This spring, in a bid to lose weight again, she decided to register for the online Weight Watchers program. For a couple of months, she’s basically gained and lost the same 2 pounds. Finally, she talked to her therapist about it.

“Weight Watchers in too restrictive for you,” her therapist told her.

In order to change her relationship with food, she told her that she needs to want to make a change and she needs to believe in herself. Her therapist left her with a couple of to do’s: introduce off limit foods back into rotation (such as chips, chocolate and cookies) and develop self-trust by setting and completing daily tasks.

I asked her about what she meant about self-trust. Her therapist told her that she puts her trust into Weight Watchers rather than trusting herself to lose weight. I have to admit, that was a little a-ha moment for myself too, because even a year ago I would have told you that I absolutely, under no other circumstances, would I even attempt to lose weight without some sort of structured, traditional, weight loss program. There was no way I could lose weight without Weight Watchers. A year later, I’m doing it, I’m losing weight without Weight Watchers (albeit at a much slower pace) and the intense craving for junk food has decreased significantly.

So my dear friend, I think you are now well on your way to figuring out your own eating/food puzzle. I remember telling you that I sort of wished that I had lost weight on Weight Watchers and then figured out my eating issues with a cognitive therapist. But I think I would have run into the same dieting firewall as you. Dieting would be impossible, and like you, I would have gained and lost the same two pounds over and over again.

Intuitive Eating Review - Conclusion

Ten years ago, my cholesterol level finally hit a threshold that my doctor could refer me to a specialist for help with my eating issues. First stop, a nutritionist. The nutritionist agrees that I need more help than she can offer, so we review a list of clinics, therapists and doctors specializing in eating disorders. Some of the places have year-long waiting lists. I cannot wait this long for help. So I call a therapist that runs a group therapy program in Toronto; we meet and discuss my eating history. This was when I first learned of the intuitive eating movement.

After a few individual sessions, I joined an open-ended psychotherapy group. I hate to admit it, but I don’t remember much about the content or format of the group therapy sessions. I think we kicked off each session discussing how our eating went following the intuitive eating rules. Later on, we talked about our emotions, situations, food and eating; attempting to pin-point the reasons for our individual issues. Sometimes we had an activity; something to bolster your self-image. We closed the session with some sort of feel-good ritual.

Looking back, there were two main problems with group (from my perspective) therapy:

1) Despite being a part of this group for at least six months, I didn’t completely understand the intuitive eating rules, specifically, eat what your body wants. You would think that after participating in a group for this length of time, I would know that your body wants healthy foods, and it’s your mind that wants junk food. I also had trouble determining my specific hunger queues. After six months of weekly sessions, I don’t think it is unreasonable to expect that I would fully understand and capable of executing the intuitive eating rules without a thought.

2) Participation in this group did not bring me any closer to discover the reasons why I was a compulsive and binge eater. I had no answers. I assumed that I was eating for some sort of unresolved traumatic event or relationship. With no answers for my behaviour, I easily slipped out of the intuitive eating mindset shortly after leaving the group.

In cognitive behavior therapy, I discovered that my overeating and binge eating behaviors are reactions to dieting rules, or what I perceive as a dieting rule. So, a big reason why intuitive eating did not work for me is that there are seven rules to follow and rebel against.

Eat only when you are hungry? I’ll eat whenever I want.

Eat what your body wants? Forget about eating healthy, I’ll eat junk food.

Eat without distractions? I’ll eat in front of the TV if I want to.

Eat until satisfied? I’ll eat one or two mouthfuls more than satisfied just because.

Eat with enjoyment? I’m too busy watching TV and chomping down multiple servings of ice cream to enjoy it.

Eat sitting down in a calm environment? Well, I’ll eat my McChicken combo in the car if I want to.

Eat in full view of others? I’ll eat healthy food in front of others, but if I want to pig out, I’ll hide my box of Oreos in my desk.

Again, it’s the all-or-nothing, diet mentality. I had to follow completely or there was no point in trying at all.

Now I know that I overeat and binge to rebel against years/decades of dieting. As a result, I’ve had to alter my ideas on weight loss. I had to come up with my own set of guidelines. And looking back on it, funny enough, I think I may have actually become an intuitive eater by accident.

I eat when I’m hungry (mostly). I now recognize the more subtle signs of hunger (inability to focus, thoughts drift to food) and I am prepared with a healthy snack.

I eat until I’m satisfied. Somehow, through the CBT process, I don’t seem to mentally need food as much anymore. This is a result of telling myself that I can have it if I really want it.

I eat what my body wants (mostly). I’m choosing to eat lots of vegetables and fruit. I look forward to eating healthier meal options. Now that I’ve convinced myself that I can eat anything that I want, it took the magic away from “bad” fat and sugary foods. If I have a “bad” food every once in a while, I don’t worry about it and move on.

As for the other rules (eat with enjoyment, eat sitting down in a calm environment, eat without distraction and eat in full view of others) I would say that I now do those things naturally. I enjoy my food more now since I’m no longer in a frenzy to get to the next mouthful. I will eat a baggie of goldfish in the car, but the need for binge eating has decreased dramatically, so I no longer feel the need to binge in the car. Now that I have children, we seldom have the TV on at mealtimes, but I also don’t worry about it if I have a snack while watching the Bachelorette. It’s relaxing, I enjoy my snack; but it’s not mindless either. And lastly, now that the need for bingeing has decreased, I don’t feel the need to eat in secrecy.

So, there you have it. I did not fully understand all the rules and the group therapy did not help me get any answers as to why I overate and binged on food.

Disclaimer: I should tell you that I no longer have my copies of Geneen Roth’s earlier books on intuitive eating, Why Weight? A guide to Ending Compulsive Eating and Breaking Free from Emotional Eating and I have not read her popular, Oprah-endorsed book, Women Food and God. I haven’t picked up new copies to recall the finer points of each rule. My analysis is based strictly on my memory from 2001/2001 when I participated in an intuitive eating support group in an attempt to resolve my eating issues. In this particular group, we followed Geneen Roth’s seven guidelines for intuitive eating.

Quick Links
Rule 1: Eat when you are hungry
Rule 2: Eat sitting down in a calm environment
Rule 3: Eat what your body wants
Rule 4: Eat in until you are satisfied
Rule 5: Eat in full view of others
Rule 6 & 7: Eat with enjoyment, gusto and pleasure; eat without distractions

Intuitive Eating Review - Eat in full view of others

Rule 5: eat in full view of others

The complete rule is eat (with the intention of being) in full view of others. This doesn’t mean that you require an audience to eat, it just means that if you decide to eat chocolate for breakfast, you won’t hide said choice if your husband/mother/child walks in the room.

When I was participating in the intuitive eating group therapy sessions in 2001/2001, I was living at my parent’s house after graduating from school. One morning I decided that my body really needed to eat chocolate eggs for breakfast. So armed with the intention of eating with full view of others, I ate a handful of the Easter treats in front of my Mom and Dad. I can tell you that my Mom was not impressed by what I was learning in group therapy; I can still picture the WTF look on her face.

After I left the intuitive eating group, I made an effort to follow the spirit of this rule. I was more successful at home than at work. My hubby was understanding; I knew that he would not say anything to add to the guilt and shame I already felt after eating a bag of Oreos in a day. Work was a different story. Routinely, I ate a package of chocolate wafers, or a bag of Oreos or Reese peanut butter cups on the sly. There was no way I was willing to come out of the food cupboard to announce, hey – I’m bingeing, look at all the crap I can consume in an hour.

I’ve been on the receiving end of some embarrassing comments throughout the years and there was no way I was going to open myself up to more. A university friend gave me a loaf of her Mom’s Italian Easter bread (sweet, braided with an egg in it) and went on and on about how I ate it in two days, “OMG I can’t believe you ate all of it already!!!”

Of course, if I had been eating the healthy food that my body wanted, eating only when hungry and until I was satisfied, I would naturally have no problem with the eat in full view of others. Nonetheless, I was proud of the fact that I was able to be myself at home, which helped alleviate the tension and anxiety with food. I believe that hubby’s support and openness made me feel comfortable to seek the help of a cognitive therapist.

Disclaimer: I should tell you that I no longer have my copies of Geneen Roth’s earlier books on intuitive eating, Why Weight? A guide to Ending Compulsive Eating and Breaking Free from Emotional Eating and I have not read her popular, Oprah-endorsed book, Women Food and God. I haven’t picked up new copies to recall the finer points of each rule. My analysis is based strictly on my memory from 2001/2001 when I participated in an intuitive eating support group in an attempt to resolve my eating issues. In this particular group, we followed Geneen Roth’s seven guidelines for intuitive eating.

Quick Links

Rule 1: Eat when you are hungry
Rule 2: Eat sitting down in a calm environment
Rule 3: Eat what your body wants
Rule 4: Eat in until you are satisfied


Note: tomorrow I’m off to the Rock to visit my MIL and FIL. They live in a scenic town called Norris Point, which is located in Gros Morne National Park in Newfoundland and Labrador. I’ll also be visiting L’Anse aux Meadows where the Vikings first landed in North America. Therefore, the intuitive eating review will continue on when I am back from my vacation.

Check back here for Newfoundland temptations, traditional Newfie foods prepared on the island. And let me tell you, fresh vegetables are scarce in this land of salt water, salt fish, tuckamore and rock.

Intuitive Eating Review - Eat what your body wants

Rule 3: Eat what your body wants

In my opinion, eat what your body wants is the heart of intuitive eating. No food is off limits, no food is forbidden, no food is bad. The idea is that if you listen to your body and your body will tell you what it needs to eat. However, your body doesn’t want junk food; it wants healthy food to work properly, efficiently and to provide energy.

Again, Geneen explains it best when answering a question from Janet:

As you are discovering, your mind likes chocolate! But that doesn't mean eating chocolate when you are hungry feels good in your body. And there's the real distinction: Your mind will go on and on all day long about what delicious, fabulous-tasting thing it would like next, but your body wants to feel good. Your body wants to have energy. Your body wants to feel awake and alive and able to do what it needs to do to provide you with what you need to do what you love. So, next time your mind says, "Gimme pasta and chocolate," say, "Uh-huh, I hear you, mind. I hear that if it weren't for this teeny thing called a body, we could eat chocolate all day long. So, thanks for sharing. Now I am going to ask my body what it wants." And then, Janet, ask your body what would give it the most energy. Ask your body what would feel good in it. Not what would be the most exciting thing to eat. Not what would thrill you, but what would sustain you, awaken you, make you feel satisfied and well-nourished. See what happens.

I’m Janet. Ok, I’m not Janet, but I’m like Janet. After waiting for hunger signals and body queues, I told myself I required chocolate for lunch, even for breakfast. Sometimes it came to me very clearly, like an out-of-the-blue overwhelming need for a glass of milk. But, most times, I kept waiting for an answer, but nothing came.

The other purpose of this rule is to address deprivation. If your body is telling you to eat something (even if it is unhealthy) just have it. The dieting mentality tells you that chocolate milk is bad for you; drink skim milk instead. So, you drink skim milk. But you still want chocolate milk. So you eat a chocolate chip cookie. Hmmm, this tastes good. You eat another few chocolate chip cookies. You know what goes well with chocolate chip cookies? Chocolate milk. You finally drink the chocolate milk. You can see why you would have been better off drinking the chocolate milk in the first place.

My problem with rule 3, is the same issue with rule 1; it’s difficult to know what your body wants and make it practical for everyday use. Christie Inge, HHC, an intuitive eating counselor, suggested to eat every three to four hours to recognize the hunger signals (in reference to my post on eat only when you are hungry), and perhaps the same logic can be applied to eat what your body wants. Your body wants healthy foods, so eat healthy foods as much as possible and perhaps then, you will be able to hear what your body wants.

When I started down the intuitive eating road, I was overcome with intense cravings for bad foods and equally overcome with feelings of guilt for eating them. I deprived myself of bad foods to avoid the guilt and shame. Perhaps it was because of that state-of-mind that the idea of not depriving myself spoke to me more clearly. Thankfully, intuitive eating alleviated my paranoia, depression and guilt about eating “bad” foods. However, this also was a turning point. I went from having an eating problem to having an eating and weight problem.

From cognitive therapy, I have learned that depriving myself of bad foods causes anxiety and anxiety causes hunger. But unlike rule 3; if my body tells me it needs chocolate, I actually have a choice. I can eat the chocolate, or I can decide to sit with the anxiety and let it pass.

Failing to eat what my body wants was one of the reasons why intuitive eating did not work for me. I focused on not depriving myself more than eating the healthy foods that my body wants. I needed to do both.


Comments
Thank you Karen, Rae Rae J and Christie Inge, HHC for your comments!

Christie: good point, I recall eating on a schedule at first to help with the hunger queues. Recently my cognitive therapist advised me to eat every three hours, which has allowed me to notice the more subtle hunger queues.
Karen: perhaps you could consider eating every three to four hours? Have you looked into how anxiety may play a role in your eating patterns?
Rae Rae J: if you aren’t wearing a watch, do you all of a sudden know when it is time to eat? Like me, you may notice the subtle signs of hunger now.

Disclaimer: I should tell you that I no longer have my copies of Geneen Roth’s earlier books on intuitive eating, Why Weight? A guide to Ending Compulsive Eating and Breaking Free from Emotional Eating and I have not read her popular, Oprah-endorsed book, Women Food and God. I haven’t picked up new copies to recall the finer points of each rule. My analysis is based strictly on my memory from 2001/2001 when I participated in an intuitive eating support group in an attempt to resolve my eating issues. In this particular group, we followed Geneen Roth’s seven guidelines for intuitive eating.

Quick Links
Rule 1: Eat when you are hungry
Rule 2: Eat sitting down in a calm environment

Tomorrow Rule 4 - eat until you are satisfied

Returning to work - the return to very easy access to junk food

With mixed feelings, I returned to work last Tuesday after a yearlong maternity leave. Above all, I will miss spending time with my kids: trips to the library, kinder jump and play; play dates in Hamilton, window-shopping at the mall and hanging out at home.

Going back to work also means a new environment. An environment with close proximity to a Metro (grocery store), two Tim Horton’s donut shops, a Dollarama (chock full of discounted chocolate bars) and peers bearing baked goods and junk food to celebrate birthdays, holidays or just because. On the flip side, it also means a structured day and a commute that includes a 2 KM walk from Union train station to my workplace.

So how did my first week back shake out? Did cognitive therapy make a difference?

It went well. Therapy made a big difference.

During the last week, I ate chocolate and cookies every day. I enjoyed regular snacks. On some days, I enjoyed dessert such as Cold Stone ice cream and hot chocolate. I even went to McDonald’s one day for lunch. I’d say that the week went well. I believe I thought and ate like a thin person. I even lost weight.

Let me explain:

“I ate chocolate and cookies every day.”
That’s a small handful of animal crackers and chocolate chips.

“I enjoyed regular snacks.”
I ate up to three Satsuma oranges and two Gala apples during the work day and shared a couple of apples after dinner with my oldest son and husband.

“On some days, I enjoyed desserts such as Cold Stone ice cream and hot chocolate.”
I should add that I had a second serving of ice cream on Saturday night with my husband.

“I even went to McDonald’s one day for lunch.”
Instead of ordering a McChicken combo, I now order a cheeseburger with small fries and a diet coke.

In addition, I brought my breakfast and lunch from home (whole wheat English muffin with PBJ for breakfast, sliced deli meat and havarti cheese on a toasted bun for lunch) each day and I only bought food when necessary - buns for sandwiches, sushi lunch with friends I had not seen in a long time and a Panago pizza on my first day back to work. I also increased exercising walking 4 KM each work day and about six hours of gardening, pulling hundreds of weeds from our lawn and gardens.

However, the most noticeable difference in returning to work after therapy was what wasn’t there. I didn’t crave timbits or Dollarama’s discount chocolate bars. I didn’t miss the McChicken sandwich or bigger serving of fries. I didn’t hunt around the grocery store for some sort of sweet treat. I didn’t even consider buying something at Union station that is full of junk food options: McDonald’s, Mrs. Fields cookies, Dairy Queen, Cinnabon etc. I wasn’t tempted to eat any of those foods. I had no cravings. I didn’t feel like I was missing out on something. I was satisfied. To me, this is how a thin person thinks.

2 weeks / - 6

Updating a year an a half of progress

It's been an embarrassingly long time since my last post. It's May 2011 now. My last post was August. August 2009. I'd like to tell you that I have learned to think like a thin person and I've solved my weight issues.  I haven't. In fact, I'm even heavier now, incredibly self-conscious and physically uncomfortable.

I have been productive during my year and a half blogging sojourn. My husband and I welcomed our second son to the world in May 2010. I started this pregnancy about forty pounds heavier than my first pregnancy, so I am at the heaviest weight of my life, with an overwhelming amount of weight to lose.

Following the Beck Diet Solution did not work for me.  However, I know that cognitive behaviour therapy is the key to learning to think like a thin person and finally getting a handle on my weight. Instead of following a book, I decided to go a step further and find a cognitive behaviour therapist. I began therapy in September 2010.

Before therapy, I hunted for food. Obsessed about it. Thought about it constantly. I feared bringing ice cream, cookies or chocolate into the house. Those foods would rarely last 24 hours in my house. Now, eight months later, I haven't touched chocolate from Mother's Day. The box sits unopened on the kitchen counter. There is a box of ice cream in the freezer and I'm not tempted to have any. More importantly, I am making healthier choices and I'm happy to do so.

All in all, I'm hopeful for my future. But, I'm worried that I might regress into my old habits. I'm worried that thinking thinner won't get me thinner.

My plan is to write about what I've learned and discovered through the therapy. I think this will help me keep what I learned fresh and to remain steadfast in my quest to think and be a thin person.

Can I learn to think like a thin person?

I've been a serial dieter for twenty years. I have gained and lost countless pounds. I know what to eat and as a former athlete, I actually like to exercise. But somehow, I am unable to make my weight loss permanent. Is my problem the way I think? Do I think like a fat person? Can I learn to think like a thin person?

I've come to realize that food will always be an issue for me. I've also realized that many people don't struggle with food like I do. Why do I struggle and others don't? Can I somehow change the way I think?

One morning, I read Emily Yoffe's Dear Prudence column and she suggested to a writer that sounded very much like myself to read Judith Beck's book, "The Beck Diet Solution." The tagline of her book reads, "train your brain to think like a thin person." I immediately ordered three of her books. I want to learn to think like a thin person. Can Dr. Beck's books end my food issues/addiction/obsession?

The Beck Diet Solution uses the principles of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) focusing on changing destructive, sabataging thoughts and re-wire negative behaviour into positive choices. In other words, it will train me to think like a thin person.

The Beck program is six-weeks long and has tasks for each day. I decided to write this blog to chronicle my journey through this book. I figure it will increase my commitment, dedication and chance for success.

Can I change the way I think? I sure hope so.

See you tomorrow for day 1: The Key to Success...