What EDNOS means to me

NOTE: This is my comment in response to Nicole's of nicoleandgwendolyn.com's blog post: I have homosexuality. Her well-researched and thought out blog post outlines why she does not believe in EDNOS. I've been wanting to write about what EDNOS means to me for a while, so I copied my comment into a post. 

Sometime in the early 90s, I was reading a book on a train ride home from Ottawa. I honestly don’t remember the name of the book or its author, but it was about compulsive eating. Something about making promises to oneself. With that I made my own promise: I will stop purging and just allow myself to put on weight. And with that promise, I stopped purging. (I thought that I can always diet to lose the weight later.)

But, nothing else changed. I still had the bulimic thoughts and mentality. I still binged, but I allowed myself to gain weight. When I became “too big” I went on a diet to compensate.

What was wrong with me? I knew that when I stopped purging that I had not fixed anything. I knew I was still f***ed up. Am I a recovered bulimic who is doomed to struggle every day for the rest of my life to not eat everything in sight?  Just because I stopped purging I was now normal?

I can tell you that in a blink of an eye, I was not fixed/recovered just because I stopped purging.  

Because it’s not about fixing the compensatory behavior, it’s about fixing the mentality. Some of us purge, some of us exercise, some of us stop restrict, some of us chew/spit and some of us gain weight and diet thereafter.

In my case, I replaced purging with dieting as a compensatory behavior. Sure, dieting isn’t as dramatic, but it is still a behavior compensating for the eating disorder mentality. (Unfortunately, dieting is common and viewed as a safe and effective way to control eating, when it is an eating trigger.)

I’ve been struggling with eating, weight and food for more than twenty years. I’ve been searching for answers and seeking help.  In 2010, I decided to see a cognitive behavior therapist and she provided me with an explanation for my constant struggle: an EDNOS diagnosis. More importantly, she helped me to change my negative eating behaviour.

I don’t use it as an excuse; EDNOS verified what I had suspected for years: that there was something wrong with my thinking and that what I was thinking was not normal. 

Upcoming posts (not necessarily in this order):

• I'm fat: is there something unresolved in my life?
• More on a food neutral household
• With respect to food, I've been a four year old preschooler for most of my life
• Blog anniversary - including my first giveaway!
• Lunchtime logistics
• Start a new healthy habit - seriously, it's coming

Shaking up the plan

I've made a decision to try a little bit harder. At least in short manageable chunks of time.

Since my parents returned from Florida and social occassions have increased, I've hit a plateau. I certainly wasn't losing weight in record amounts or time, but throughout the winter, I consistently lost a little bit of weight each week.

But, that has stopped. Why? Well, I'm eating more food. It started with big bear's birthday party (and the days leading up to the party) and has continued on since, with a family dinner party and working overtime and work provided lunch. I'm fine during the work week, but the weekends are proving to be unpredictable - food wise.

Basically, I'm fine as long as there are no unplanned eating events, such as parties, birthday or otherwise. But that's unrealistic, that's not life. I don't live in cacoon, so I have to get a handle on the unplanned eating. Yes, I know I have a plan for unplanned eating, but I think I need to tweak my plan. I need to put more into it.

I'm starting to think about food again. Not obsessively, but I am finding it more difficult to shake off temptation. This is a sign that I'm bored with my food choices. It's time to switch it up. I'm thinking of breakfast in particular. Perhaps I can come up with new snacks.

In any case, here is my plan:

• Eat more grains (quinoa, barley, couscous etc). I like eating grains, but my kids and hubby want to eat rice and potatoes too. On those days, I'll enjoy previously prepared quinoa.
• Start running (or walking). I want to get in more exercise, but, I'm going to start slowly and work my way up.
• Write out what I'm going to eat for Saturday and Sunday. I need more more boundaries, nothing too strict (triggers overeating), but enough that I'll have to stretch my effort a bit.

I'm a little worried. I'm feeling anxious, but if I go slowly, if I remember that I don't need to be perfect, I know it'll work out.