Can I learn to think like a thin person?

Before the doctor, I talked to the nurse

2012-02-17T12:26:00.000-05:00

"No. I'd prefer to tell you how much I weigh. I weighed myself at home this morning."

The nurse stares at me. Did she hear me? I tell her how much I weigh. She continues to stare.

Finally, she says: "I think it would be better to weigh yourself on this scale, so we have an accurate benchmark"

I reply with a firm "no."

I have a feeling this is the first time she's heard someone say no to the scale.

Before I was a teen and before I started worrying about getting fat or perceiving myself as fat, I didn't mind stepping on the scale. It was fun, a sign that I was growing up. However, somewhere along the line, as puberty hit and my swim coaches started to monitor my weight, that changed. Stepping on the scale is now stressful and not something I want to do in public.

To be honest, I hadn't thought of the weight bias in health care, and I've only been touched by it a couple of times. But then I read an eye-opening Weighty Matters post on the topic (watch the video - it's good) and thought about the scale at my doctor's office.

Some weight bias is obvious such as a doctor ignoring a patient's request for help or condescending, rude and appalling remarks from a doctor (see Munchberry's comment). Some bias is more subtle, such as how a patient's weight is taken and recorded. Of course, there is nothing wrong with tracking a patient's weight, but the manner in that a person is weighed can be done in either a sensitive or an inconsiderate way. Placing the scale in an public area does not take the patient's feeling or need for privacy into consideration.

At my doctor's office, patients are called from the waiting room to the second floor where examination rooms, doctors' offices and a procedure room are connected by a long hallway. The last time I saw a doctor (earlier in the year) the big physician's scale was located at the beginning of the hallway so anyone moving about the second floor can see how much the person on the scale weighs. So, this year, instead of stepping on the scale in the hallway, I decided to weigh myself at home and tell the nurse my weight.

When you think about it, why is it absolutely necessary to be weighed by the nurse in the first place? Why can't I decline? Why is it frowned upon to tell the nurse my weight rather than stepping on the scale? The nurse accepts my word when I tell her that I'm 5'7". Why can't she accept my word when I tell her what the scale said at home? Plus, is the result between the scale at home and the scale at the office that different? Is a couple of pounds either way going to make a difference in my health or impede my doctor's ability to do her job?

Furthermore, how can an accurate benchmark be established when weight fluctuates up and down throughout the day and over a week. With more than a year between annual check-ups, I'll be wearing different clothes, I could have eaten a smaller/bigger meal before the appointment or I may or may not have food sitting in the digestive system (you know what I mean). The only way to get a good benchmark is to weigh yourself in the morning, sans clothing, before eating breakfast, but after the morning pee.

In any case, have some fun the next time you are at your doctor's office. See what happens when you say "no thank you" to the scale.

Interesting to note: a patient must have complained about the location of the scale. The scale is now located at the end of the hall. Which is better, but why not offer complete privacy for patients and place scales in the individual examination rooms?

Did I tell you about my appointment with the doctor?

2012-02-15T12:13:00.000-05:00

On a wet November afternoon, sitting on the examination table and wearing a paper gown, I wait patiently to see the family doctor for the annual check-up. I'm feeling somewhat conflicted. I haven't seen her since 2009. She's been having kids, I've been having kids, so another doctor tended to my appointments. Despite the long lapse between appointments, I certainly haven't forgotten how she completely dismissed my concerns regarding my eating issues and request for help.

"There is something wrong me and how I eat. Dieting has become so difficult..."

She cut me off before I could finish. Before I had the chance to remind her of my eating disorder history, significant weight fluctuations and previous attempts to resolve my eating issues. She responds with: "Dieting is difficult for a lot of people, you just need to stick with it."

I stare at her blankly while she yammers on. I'm pissed. And disappointed. I was hoping to get a referral to a psychologist or a psychiatrist that specializes in eating issues. Thankfully I knew that there was something wrong me and did not let her deter me from seeking help. She confirmed that I need to take the matters into my own hands.

As you know, since that appointment, I found a cognitive behaviour therapist and fixed my demented thoughts about food and eating. However, I wanted to ensure that other patients with the same concern as me would not be routinely dismissed as I was. Another patient's quest for help could easily be shut down by a doctor, and go back to thinking that there is nothing wrong.

So I was conflicted as to how to get my point across.

I thought of the Pretty Woman approach; "Remember the last time I saw you, I told you that dieting had become difficult and you told me to suck it up, that dieting is difficult for a lot of people? Well, just so you know, I found a therapist, she confirmed that I'm not a normal eater, I was diagnosed with EDNOS and dieting is one reason why I'm like this. Big mistake. BIG MISTAKE. Huge."

Of course, I would leave the "big mistake" part out from my speech, but like Pretty Woman's Vivian, I felt snubbed. Not by a Beverly Hills boutique sales person, but by my doctor, and I wanted her to know that.

In the end, I took the high road. I decided to stick to the facts without the drama and the anger. I told her about cognitive behaviour therapy, my eating disorder diagnosis, the impact of decades of dieting and how it contributed to my condition. We discussed my new weight loss strategy (no dieting, eat healthy foods). She responded positively and I'm hoping that she will remember this discussion for the time when another patient comes to her with the same concerns.

I did NOT want to stop dieting

2012-02-09T15:01:00.002-05:00

You can eat whatever you want. There are no restrictions in the foods you eat or the amount of food you eat.

As a person who thought of food all the time and struggled to not eat everything in sight, someone telling you to eat whatever you want is frightening. My therapist's word were eerily similar the words associated with intuitive eating. And while my stress level with food decreased significantly following the intuitive eating experience, I gained a significant amount of weight (~30 lbs).

When I began cognitive behaviour therapy, I was expecting to train my brain so I could diet better. I wanted to be a better Weight Watcher; say no to junk food without feeling as if I was missing out; be happy to eat healthy foods. Essentially I wanted therapy to make dieting easier.

So when my therapist told me that I could eat whatever I want, I thought I don't want to eat whatever I want; I want to be happy to eat whatever will make me thinner. The Beck Diet Solution allows you to diet and retrain your brain to help you diet. Why can't I do that?

I was doubtful that I could change; I was worried that I was going to be overweight the rest of my life. I thought that food would always be this big issue in my life to manage and hopefully not pass along to my children.

However, despite the unexpected start to therapy, I decided to put faith into the process. I also thought, I can always go back to Weight Watchers after all this is done.

Four months after therapy began, I made the decision to focus on choosing and eating healthier foods.

Six months after therapy began, I finally stepped on a working scale even though my therapist asked me to start weighing myself back in September. At that point, I believed in third-party accountability and joined the local TOPS chapter for the weekly weigh-ins since it was economical and convenient.

I have to admit, when I joined TOPS, I considered following their plan to see what would happen. I opened the program information folder, flipped through a few pages and thought, no, I just can't go there. I closed the folder and never looked at it again.

The next two months of weekly weigh-ins revealed that I was basically gaining and losing the same few pounds, despite an effort to choose and eat healthier foods.

Eight months after therapy began, I returned to work and exercise became a consistent, daily event. My eating benefited by the fact that I brought my breakfast lunch and snacks from home. The best thing I noticed is that I was completely disinterested in all the fast /junk food that seemed to call to me before therapy. I started blogging about my CBT experience.

At this point, I wasn't sure if I could lose weight without a diet. However, I was reasonably confident that I wouldn't gain.

Ten months after therapy began, I had my final regular appointment with my therapist. I told my therapist that I had stopped writing down my eating plan, it was too much pressure. I agreed when she said that I could go back to writing out my meal plan (before eating) if I needed the structure. We talked about how I was noticing a slow, downward trend on the scale. She ended my session with a useful piece of insight: your brain needs to practice new ways of thinking.

I thought: maybe I can lose weight without Weight Watchers.

Twelve months after therapy began, I tweaked my food choices. I began eating salads at lunch and I finally started swimming with the local masters' swim club.

Thirteen months after therapy began, I stopped going to TOPS. The weigh-ins were stressful. I decided to be accountable to myself, not to someone else.

I've changed. I can do this, I can lose weight on my own terms. I don't need Weight Watchers. I can choose to eat healthier foods and weigh myself. It's going to take a long time, YEARS in fact,but I'm OK with that.

What is the point of all this? If the prospect of giving yourself the permission to eat whatever you want is terrifying, I know how you feel. I felt the same way. If you think that you can't lose weight without Weight Watchers or some traditional diet, I get that too. It took me ten months of therapy, time and writing about my experience to convince my psyche that I can lose weight on my own, less perfect, terms.

I'm hoping that by reading this post, that you open your mind (even just a little bit) to the idea that if you want to change, you can change (you may need help). It is possible to give yourself the permission to eat whatever you want; but happily choose to eat healthy foods instead of junk food. You can lose weight on your own terms without a diet.

I'm telling you, if you change how you think, anything is possible.

The stomach flu strikes again....

2012-02-01T10:53:00.001-05:00

Fruit-topped, custard tart, chocolate mousse cake and mini cupcakes: thankfully I did not consume all these in the same sitting. It's just food, but decadent desserts are on the unhealthy side of the food spectrum.

It was a social-heavy weekend that included tasty desserts. Except the mini cupcakes; my husband picked up a couple of trays after work. I ate some of the mini cupcakes before going to the Thursday night swim practice. Thankfully, hubby does not bring home mini cupcakes frequently.

The vegetable and fruit intake was low this week, as my stomach is recuperating from the stomach flu (second time in 2.5 months!). Thankfully, this flu bug seemed to be less contagious, so only the older bear and myself caught it. It's been a slow recovery; I've been feeling dizzy/light-headed since Friday, but that feeling has been decreasing since Monday.

I managed to get to the pool on Thursday night, but I skipped the Saturday run and a second swim on Sunday, partially due to the dizziness and partially due to the time constraints. Saturday's run was also in jeopardy since I arrived home unexpectedly late (and tired) on Friday night. A man was hit by a GO train, so I sat on the train at Union Station for 1.5 hours until the train was finally cleared to leave. Thankfully, the man survived.

That means I am up a little bit this week. I suspect some of it is a true gain but some of it is fruit-topped custard tart, chocolate mousse cake and mini cupcakes sitting in the digestive track.

How I learned to think like a thin person

2012-01-25T10:24:00.001-05:00

Comment Munchberry Re: Thinking about food all the time

Since your blog's name is the actual thing we are driving towards - you have far greater insight on such matters. I do wonder how to curb my obsession (I try) and how not to obsess on the curbing (so it won't take over my life - how it might become natural). I wonder if it is possible or if it is just going to be about finding work arounds. Any thoughts?

Yes, you can change how you think about food - curb the obsession and stop thinking about food all the time. I posted Have I learned to think like a thin person? to show how changing my thoughts changed my eating habits, but I didn't answer Munchberry's question (above) on how to curb obsessive food thoughts and how eating can become more natural. Hopefully, this post has addressed that question better.

I changed my eating habits and obsessive food thoughts with cognitive behaviour therapy. I needed help; there was no way I was going to sort out everything without a professional. In therapy, I learned why I overeat (anxiety) and I was surprised to learn that the source of this anxiety is from decades of dieting, fueled by my own dissatification with my weight and believing others who told me I was fat, either in jest or because I did not fit their ideal standard.

CBT basically stripped away twenty-five years of dieting mentaility and in its place laid down a new psychological platform to develop a healthy relationship with food and eating. To gain this freedom from food, I had to let go of the one thing thing that for so many years gave me a sense of control over eating; dieting.

Looking back, I can see how my thoughts continued to build the dieting anxiety over the years to the point where I could no longer diet. If I could go back in time I would tell myself that:

Food is neither good nor bad.
No food is off limits, I can eat as much as I want, but I am choosing to eat healthier foods because it will make me feel better and I want to lose weight.
I'm not perfect, so I'm not always going to eat perfectly.
Feeling guilty for eating "bad" or unhealthy foods (or too much) will only make me want to eat it more.
Thin people who can eat whatever they want are not eating the amount of food I want to or all the foods that I want to eat.
Food isn't always going to taste great and that's OK.
The more I eat fruit and vegetables, the more I will crave fruit and vegetables.
The more I crave fruit and vegetables, the less I will crave unhealthy foods.
Don't hold onto an obsessive food thought or craving, distract myself or let it go. There is no need to punish myself for having a craving or eating an unhealthier food choice.
It's not a race to get to the goal weight, so it's OK to take my time.
Even if I eat well and exercise, sometimes the scale will not reflect the effort.
Changing to a healthy mindset takes practice, but I can change how I think.

Am I the only one who eats, craves food and experiences obsessive thoughts because of anxiety from dieting? No, I think it's fairly common. Just think of how crazy dieting makes you think; how paranoid dieting makes you from eating certain foods or eating too much of anything even if it is good for you. The all or nothing attitude that one must adhere to in order to lose weight.

So what do I want for you to get from this post? I want you to know that if you think about food all the time, you can change; you can change how you think about food. And when you change how you think about food, you change how you eat.

If you are ready to change how you think of food, consider your own thoughts and what kind of impact it has on your eating; you can consider my list above, some points may speak to you; you can consider reading and using the techniques outlined in Judith Beck's book The Beck Diet Solution; or if you think you need professional help, consider seeking assistance from a cognitive behaviour therapist who specializes in eating issues and eating disorders.

Change starts with knowledge and a thought. You can change how you think. You can learn to think like a thin person.

It's confirmed - I gained 4 pounds

2012-01-18T10:44:00.001-05:00

I gained four pounds (well, 3.8 to be exact) during the holiday season. I'm fine with this as it matters what I eat between New Year's and Christmas rather than what I eat between Christmas and New Year's. The vast amounts of heavier/sweeter/fattier foods and increased number of social events are typical for the holiday season but not the rest of the year. (Didn't I already write about this?)

In any case, the scale is moving down again as the daily routine returns to normal. I'm back in the pool, walking to and from the train and I managed to fit in a second swim on Sunday PLUS (OMG) a run/walk on Saturday.

The run/walk felt great; the temperature was perfect running weather at -10 degrees (Celsius). I started back at the beginning with one minute running & one minute walking for approximately 20 minutes. I ran more than intended as my Polar heart rate monitor needs a new battery, so I couldn't hear the timers beeping or they simply weren't beeping at all.

Of course, running once is not a habit; it's a single occasion. I would like to make running a habit (again), not just a once in a while event. This is why I'm developing a Start a new healthy habit plan (challenge). Are you interested in joining me in a quest to start a new healthy habit? More details to come...

Also, thank you Sarah @Fat So Sarah, Elle @We can begin to feed, and Slim Katie @Runs for Cookies by reading your posts, you helped me get into my running gear and back out on the road!

I'm on Fitblogger.ca today

2012-01-17T09:07:00.000-05:00

Lots of updates this morning, first and foremost is that my blog is featured on Rita Barry's Fitblogger.ca, a directory and forum for fitness and healthy living bloggers.

But before you go off to read my Fitblogger post, be sure to come back and check out the two new pages:

My eating triggers are well, my eating triggers. Do you have a new healthy habit you want to start? Start a new healthy habit is a page in progress. I'm thinking of hosting a progressive challenge to develop healthy habits. It's progressive in that you take steps to prepare and build a new habit. Details are coming soon.

You've got to be kidding me

2012-01-12T14:52:00.001-05:00

General meeting tonight from 5 to 7 PM, refreshments from 5 to 5:30 PM.

You've got to be kidding me!!

That means another long day at work the same night as swimming (starts at 9:30). Hopefully I'll catch the 7:13 train and arrive home at 8 PM, but if the meeting runs late, I'll be on the 7:43 train arriving home at 8:30 PM.

So, will I stay home or go swimming? Register your vote by leaving a comment!

I skipped last night's swim workout

2012-01-06T10:42:00.000-05:00

I didn’t go swimming last night. I feel terrible. And asmuch as I don’t want to feel guilty/badly, I do.

It’s a busy time at work. I don’t stay late unlessnecessary. I’d rather be home with my family; the hubby and my little bears.

I felt compelled to finish a part of the project andget it out onto someone else’s desk. I was hoping to catch the 6:13 train. Ipressed send on the email at 6:20. There was still time, I could catch the6:43 if I take the subway. I grab my stuff and head on down to the officeconcourse level.

There is a man yelling. People are leaving the subwaystation en masse. Not a good sign.

“The subway is closed, no trains headed downtown,” the TTCguy calls out.

F*** I say to myself.

I call hubby and tell him that I've missed the 6:43 due tothe subway and that I’m going to be on the 7:13. He asks if I’m going swimming.I tell him I’m unsure. I want to go, I’m feeling ok now, but that can change.It’s been a long day and practice starts at 9:30. No time to unwind, barelyenough time to say goodnight to the older bear (if he is still awake), eatdinner and get my swim stuff ready.

I arrive home at 8 pm. My older bear is awake so I read hima story and enjoy our cuddle time. It’s 8:30 when I finally eat dinner. I have45 minutes until I need to leave for the pool.

Bones comes on at 9 pm. I decide to go swimming, but arriveabout fifteen minutes late. This means I have another 30 minutes. It’s theepisode with the new brilliant teen intern with a southern accent and criminalrecord. His stepfather is missing and his body was never found. Did Finn murderhis stepfather? I need to know. Ofcourse in this day and age and a PVR, with the touch of the button, I caneasily record the remainder of the show, but I don’t. Exhaustion fills my body.

I decide to stay home to be functional person today (Friday).Each week, I arrive home wired after my swim at approximately 11. Occasionally,I manage to get to bed as early as 11:30, but usually my head hits the pillowat 12:30 AM; a mere 4.5 hours to sleep until I get up the next morning.

This is the fourth workout in a row that I have missed dueto another corporate deadline and Christmas events. Hubby doesn’t help when hepoints out that we paid a lot of money for me to go. I point out that I canattend makeup practices.

I’m not worried that I’ll never go again. But I feel like I letmyself down and my coach down. I chose to laze about and watch TV rather than move mymuscles. I decided to unwind rather than do some cardio. The funny part is, Ilove the Thursday night workouts: I love to the sets, I love the stiff muscles,I love my heart beating faster and my lungs expanding in my chest.

I'm good at banishing guilty feelings when it comes to eating, but not so much when I missed a scheduled workout.

It’s over, it’s done. I’m moving on.

Maybe.

Eating between Christmas and New Year's

2012-01-05T09:38:00.002-05:00

It matters what you eat between New Year's and Christmas, not what you eat between Christmas and New Year's.

My friend's husband said this a few times on New Year's eve, so I'm keeping this sentiment in mind in reflection of the holiday eating.

I hoped on the scale yesterday and I was up 4.0 pounds. Next week will tell if some or all of this is a true gain or just some food sitting in my digestive system. (I don't drink coffee so I don't have the benefits of regularity that some coffee drinkers appear to experience...) Either way, I'm not going to get my knickers in a knot.

There are a lot of food and social events around Christmas and New Year's that just isn't there the rest of the year. Some food is rich, some is baked and some is just fine. I ate salad at lunch time and plenty of veggies at dinner to push the heavier stuff through the system.

We ate Chinese food twice, once planned once not; but I'm not worried because we rarely order Chinese food (previously ordered it a year ago). Appetizers did me in a couple of times: at Christmas eve dinner and I could barely eat the turkey and the stuffing dinner, let alone my Mom's rum-drenched plum pudding. (I haven't felt that full in a long time - perhaps in July during our trip to Newfoundland?). I also consumed way too much cheese when we were at a friend's house for dinner.

Of course, we were given loads of chocolate. Unlike other years, I haven't devoured it all (yet). Usually my stash of chocolate only lasts a matter of days. Interestingly enough, my husband opened the package of Belgium chocolate and ate more than me. (He's not a big chocolate eater like myself. But he could not lay off the this stuff.) I don't drink a lot of alcohol, but I treated myself to a mug of Bailey's and hot chocolate in the evenings.

Exercise came to a grinding halt. No work meant no commute, so no walking 50 minutes a day between work and the train station. I also missed three weeks of Master's swimming on Thursday nights. I did drag my behind to the pool for a swim on the New Year's eve day, but I didn't go running or walking any other time (and I could have).

I don't feel guilty about the (well a little bit about the exercise) holiday eating. Freaking out and feeling guilty will only increase the anxiety level, and the anxiety will compel me to eat.

It matters what you eat between New Year's and Christmas, not what you eat between Christmas and New Year's.

In any case, it's back to the pool tonight, I've got some plum pudding to burn!

Next post: How I learned to think like a thin person

Have I learned to think like a thin person?

2012-01-03T14:30:00.003-05:00

Comment Munchberry Re: Thinking about food all the time

Since your blog's name is the actual thing we are driving towards - you have far greater insight on such matters. I do wonder how to curb my obsession (I try) and how not to obsess on the curbing (so it won't take over my life - how it might become natural). I wonder if it is possible or if it is just going to be about finding work arounds. Any thoughts?

I replied:

My thinking is changing, the connection and food obsession is loosening its grip on me. So yes, it is possible to change your thinking. In my case, there was no way that I could have gotten here on my own. Cognitive therapy was the key.

I know many people are happy and it works for them to use a work around. I couldn't live with the struggle any longer. Well I could, but the anxiety caused me to eat and eat and I was getting bigger and bigger.

I'll expand more in a blog posting....

I ate relatively normal, healthy, well-balanced meals, but I snacked horribly. This is how I described my eating habits to my doctors, therapist and nutritionists sixteen months ago.

I would overeat and even binge on snack food. Snack time was anytime that was not meal time. My appetite for snacks was insatiable. If ice cream happened to be in the freezer, I would eat a bowl before breakfast. If there was a package of Oreo cookies in the pantry, I would grab two or three or five at a time throughout the day until the package was finished.

At work, I would search the food court searching for the perfect snack to augment the lunch I brought from home. A package of mini Skor bars, mini Reese Peanut butter cups, or Hershey’s milk chocolate usually caught my attention. But I also munched on packages of chocolate wafers, chocolate chip cookies, two-bite brownies. I would plow through a package in a matter of hours, none lasted overnight.

I attempted to make compromises, but that usually meant drinking 500 ml carton of chocolate milk, instead of eating a package of chocolate. Or buying two cookies from Treats or Tim Horton’s instead of buying a package from the grocery store.

Of course, when I was in diet mode – snacking stopped – at least the unhealthy kind. But over the years, dieting had become increasingly more challenging. The amount of time that I could be in diet mode shrank and the time between Weight Watchers’ memberships grew.

Finally, I decided that I couldn’t be live like this any longer. Thankfully, unbeknownst to me, our family had just moved to a house that was located ten minutes away from a cognitive therapy practice. My hope for therapy was to change my negative eating behaviors into positive ones. I hoped to learn to think like a thin person.

So, have I learned to think like a thin person?

The best way to figure out that question is to compare my thinking before and after cognitive behaviour therapy:

Before cognitive behavior therapy: I craved food all the time. In particular, I craved snack/junk/fast food.

After: Junk food cravings have decreased significantly. Instead of craving junk food, I now crave vegetables.

Before: I always ate everything on my plate, even if the food didn’t taste good.

After: I don’t feel the need to eat everything on my plate, including the food that doesn’t taste good.

Before: I would eat second and third portions of the starch/carb section of the meal.

After: I’m usually satisfied by one starchy serving. However, I will have second servings of vegetables.

Before: I was obsessed with taste. If food didn’t taste good, I would overeat other foods to satisfy this need for food to taste good.

After: I’ve accepted that sometimes food just doesn’t taste as good as I want. And that’s OK. If food doesn’t taste as good as I expect, it doesn’t trigger overeating.

Before: I could not keep ice cream in the freezer or cookies in the pantry.

After: I can keep ice cream in the freezer; it does not trigger eating. I actually don’t feel the need to buy ice cream. Cookies in the pantry will go faster than ice cream, but like the ice cream, I don’t feel the need to buy cookies.

Before: If I was out of the house (or away from the office) and I was hungry, I would use that as an opportunity (excuse?) to buy a junk food snack.

After: I prefer healthy snacks from home, so I take food with me. Or, I’ll wait until I get home or back to the office.

Before: At the office, I would hunt for food to satisfy a taste for junk/snack food.

After: I prefer the food from home. I only buy what I need for a healthy lunch (i.e. lettuce for a salad etc.)

Before: It was a struggle to leave any store without buying junk food.

After: It’s not a struggle. The need to buy junk food has vanished.

Before: If I went to a restaurant, I would favor an establishment that served high-fat, deep-fried, and processed food over fresh options.

After: I recently went out to lunch with friends, and I voiced the opinion that I was not interested in going to the pub or Swiss Chalet. We went to the Cora's instead.

Before: I would eat packages of chocolate bars or cookies at my desk in secrecy.

After: No eating in secrecy. I still eat chocolate (usually in the form of chocolate chips), but I have only eaten one chocolate bar (that I bought for myself) in six months.

Before: I preferred to drink hot chocolate for comfort on winter evenings.

After: I prefer peppermint tea that is comforting any time of year.

Before: The only way to stop the constant barrage of cravings was by using willpower, which was in dwindling supply.

After: If I have a craving, I let the craving come and go, I don’t let it turn into an obsession so it doesn’t trigger eating.

Before: Categorize food with "good" and "bad" labels.

After: It’s all food. Some food choices are healthier than others.

Before: Obsessed over the "bad" foods and didn’t want to eat the “good” foods.

After: I prefer to eat healthier foods (real food) now. I see fast food, packaged food, and most restaurants as fake food; food that satisfies your mind but does not fuel your body.

Before: Routinely rewarded good eating with treats.

After: I don’t feel the need to do this.

Before: Followed dieting rules only when I was a Weight Watchers member.

After: I know that following a structured diet program will trigger eating, but I also don’t need the accountability that a structured diet provides.

Before: I had to be a Weight Watchers member to lose weight.

After: I can lose weight without Weight Watchers.

Before: Weighed myself only when dieting, otherwise I avoided the bathroom scale.

After: I’m not freaked out by the scale. I don’t celebrate losses and I don’t freak over gains. It is what it is.

Before: Avoided mirrors.

After: Well, I still do that, but I do look every now and again.

Cognitive behaviour therapy has changed how I think about food and eating. I'm delighted to write that I don't think about food all the time. I crave healthy food, and the interest in junk food has diminished. It is much easier to lose weight with this new mindset. I'm not losing weight quickly - that is a big trade off, but what I am doing is virtually effortless. In time, I know I will be 20, then 40, then 60 (and so on) down to a healthy weight.

Although I will never be a thin person with a naturally smaller appetite, I am well on my way to becoming a thin person that naturally chooses smaller portion sizes, eats healthy food choices, and indulges in higher fat food choices on occasion.

Next post: How I learned to think like a thin person

Saying no to a Weight Watchers membership

2011-12-29T06:33:00.002-05:00

I'm sitting with my parents on a beautiful summer day in late August. My Mom is concerned about my weight. She's tried various approaches to motivate me to lose weight since the huge pregnancy weight gain in 2008.

Unfortunately, my Mom is not one of those people in my life I can talk to about my food issues. She thinks that if I'm not losing weight on Weight Watchers, that I must not want to lose weight. She doesn't understand that I don't want to be overweight, but dieting had become an utterly impossible task.

My Mom did not know about the sessions with a cognitive behaviour therapist until almost a year into the process. From time-to-time I pondered how (and if) I was going to tell her about therapy. Luckily, she started the conversation herself:

Mom: I'd like to pay for a Weight Watcher's membership for you.

Me: Mom, I'll never go on Weight Watcher's again.

Mom: So how will you lose weight?

Me: By eating properly; balanced, nutritious meals, with lots of fruits and vegetables. I saw a person last year to help figure out my eating issues and the reason I overeat is because of my history of dieting.

Me: I've changed my eating habits and the good news is that my cravings have decreased significantly. I don't think about chocolate and cookies and ice cream all the time now.

Me: I'm losing weight, but it's going to be slow. It 's important that I don't feel like I'm on a diet.

I didn't go into any more details. She responded to the news well. We haven't talked about it again. Thankfully she knows not to ask how I'm doing. I'm going to show her progress rather than talk about it.

Have yourself a Merry little Christmas

2011-12-24T06:31:00.001-05:00

Merry Christmas and happy holidays to you and your family...

Try eating a salad before a big meal and remember there is no point in making yourself feel guilty if you overindulge. I'm going to make the healthiest choices I can, and perhaps you can do the same!

Thinking about food all the time

2011-12-11T11:08:00.001-05:00

I've always found it curious how people assume that just because I'm overweight that I need a lesson on how to loose weight. When discussing my weight at a recent doctor's appointment, my doctor launched into the types of foods I should be eating. Fruits, vegetables, low fat milk, lean protein... yada, yada, yada. It took every ounce of my being to not roll my eyes.

How many magazine articles and TV episodes are dedicated to losing weight again explaining the foods that I should and should not eat and the proper portion sizes? And what about people who comment on a news article or tell me that "I just need to stop shoveling food into my mouth."

Why don't these thin people /doctors / crusading TV hosts understand that the problem isn't a lack of knowledge on how to diet? As a serial dieter, I know how to lose weight: the foods to eat, the foods not to eat, and the proper portions.

I believe that thin people don't understand what it is like to have fat thinking. And on the flip side, overweight, serial dieters like myself, don't know what it is like to not think about food all the time.

Munchberry recently commented that she is baffled by Mr. Munchberry's complete lack of interest in food. For a long time, I assumed that everyone thought about food as much as I do: my friend who keeps a box of cookies on her desk; the doctors that lectures me; and TV hosts touting the latest info on loosing weight. That every waking minute of every day is a marathon struggle to not eat something. That I just didn't have as much willpower to say no to chocolate and french fries as other people. That I was weak because I couldn't stop eating.

But, the fact is not everyone thinks about food all the time. Some people can go into a gas station and abstain from buying three chocolate bars for the price of one. Some people can go into a restaurant and order a reasonably healthy meal, some people can eat a bowl of ice cream without feeling guilty, some people can eat only when hungry and stop when satisfied. Because for some people, like Mr. Munchberry, food is just not a big deal.

How much easier would it be to healthy without constantly thinking of food and battling cravings? This is essentially why I decided to seek therapy to change my eating behaviours. I thought it would be much easier to just not have cravings rather than constantly drawing on "willpower" to manage cravings.

So the next time you read an article, watch a television show or someone tells you how to lose weight, keep in mind that it's not just about the knowledge, it's also about your thinking. Not everyone thinks the same; there are those of us who think about food all the time and some people who just don't think about food at all.

And sometimes I think to myself: how well would my thin friends eat if they had my fat thinking?

Follow up posts

Previous post - Dietary Assessment: hot water

A conversation between hubby and wife

2011-12-02T20:00:00.001-05:00

Me: Am I looking smaller?

Hubby: Yes, you do. Do I look smaller?

Me: Actually yes you do. Have you lost weight?

Hubby: Yes, about ten pounds.

Me: Just from eating the stuff I've been asking you to make?

Hubby nods.

Me: You're not even exercising!

Hubby laughs.

Me: I was close to catching up to you.

Hubby shrugs.

I mouth to hubby: b*st*rd!

Of course, I'm happy for hubby, but errrr....

I'm happy with my no diet diet plan

2011-11-18T20:54:00.001-05:00

Here and there, I catch a couple of minutes in the morning of Gillian McKeith's healthy lifestyle TV show You Are What You Eat. Each episode Gillian transforms the featured guests' diet from a diet rich in carbohydrates, fat and sugar to a diet jam packed with fruit, vegetables and other nutrient-rich foods.

There is so much to marvel about this show: the massive display of a week's worth of beige food, poop floating through a tube during a colonic irrigation, blood tests, tongue and belly examinations and of course, the fascinating segment, the stool sample analysis. There are aspects of this show that I find insightful and a little frightful.

The extreme change in diet is the part of the show that causes concern for me. Prior to the show, the guests' diet is not normal. All guests eat massive amounts of junk and highly processed food devoid of vegetables and fruit and nutrients. Gillian's diet is packed with whole foods: fruits, vegetables, grains, beans and all foods are completely unprocessed.

My concern isn't about the food she is suggesting; in fact much of what she says about processed foods really speaks to me (but that is for another post). What I find problematic about Gillian's diet is it realistic for these people to keep it up? Are they happy with what they are doing?

Last week a guest expressed concern with the four hours of prepping and cooking food in the kitchen each day. And just as regular (or irregular) as the poop samples, there is the obligatory scene with the participant gagging on some of the unusual recipes, such as the unusual juice concoctions (parsley juice?) and whole grain dishes such as quinoa porridge.

Yoni Freedhof of weightymatters.ca routinely says in his blog that in order to make a lifelong change, you need a sustainable plan, a plan that you keep up forever; and you are happy with what you are doing. And I can tell you, I would not be happy spending four hours a day cooking and eating foods that are poles apart from my current menu is not a plan that I could or would maintain forever.

So, this makes me think. Am I happy with my weight loss plan? Can I keep this up forever?

Yes, I am happy with my plan and I do think that I can keep this up forever. Here are the top ten reasons why I think my no diet diet plan is a plan that I can keep up indefinitely:

1. No food is off-limits, no amount too much.
2. No food journalling.
3. I understand and manage my cravings.
4. It works with my family life and career.
5. Walking to and from the Go Train adds up to 50 minutes of exercise each day without much effort.
6. Swimming with a team is more fun and interesting than swimming alone or going to the gym.
7. I'm eating like a normal person.
8. I'm not in a race to get to my goal weight.
9. I'm not accountable to anyone but myself.
10. I don't feel like I'm on a diet.

Sure, change is needed. But why does the change need to be so extreme? I feel that these people are being set up for disappointment. I'm sure some people manage to keep up Gillian's diet, but I wouldn't be surprised if most go back to their food comfort zone. I know I would.

Do you watch You Are What You Eat? If so, do you think you could eat Gillian's recommended diet for the rest of your life? Are you happy with your weight loss plan?

Previous post: Dietary Assessment - who knew the stomach flu was going around edition

You like me, you really like me!

2011-11-07T11:49:00.001-05:00

She stands 5'6" and is 56 pounds lighter than she did just five months ago. She writes on average 20 posts a month and endeared me to her blog when she wrote of green poo from eating too many black gummi bears. If you haven't figured it out yet, I'm referring to Carbie Girl, and she has bestowed the honour of awarding me the Versatile blogger award.

Verstile: ver-sa-tile [vur-suh-tl] or, especially British, [vur-suh-tahyl]: capable of, or adapted for, turning easily from one to another various tasks, fields of endeavor, etc.: a versatile writer.

Word information source: www.dictionary.com

So, as a recipient of the Versatile Blogger Award, I must share seven things about myself and pass the award on to 15 newly discovered bloggers.

Seven things about me:

1. My husband and I have the same birthday: same year, month and day.

2. I have a friend who actually likes the movie Waterworld.

3. When I was 12, I was in a Tampax tampons print ad.

4. When snorkeling in Tobermorey, I discovered that I have a fear of ship wrecks.

5. Last night I discovered that fruit flies freak me out too.

6. I love to eat broccoli and feta cheese pizza.

7. I've had a bruise on my back in the shape of a pool filter.

Fifteen newly discovered bloggers

1. A Mamacita @ Confessions of a Mamacita

2. Ashley @ 2fivefive - Never a finish line

3. Gen @ The Geneen Roth Experiment

4. Brian @ The Angry Porkchop

5. Sarah @ Fat So Sarah: A Weight Loss Journey

6. Michelle @ Can't Fail Again

7. Taryn @ Fat Girl in a Skinny World

8. Bonnie @ Fat-be-gone

9. Miss S. @ Follow Me Down

10. Miss April @ 30 Before 30

11. Poison @ A New Poison

12. Muchberry @ I'm just Puffy

13. Karen @ Waisting Time

14. Millie @ See Millie Tri

15. MB @ Why the Weight

I consider myself to be a new blogger, so everyone is newly discovered to me....

Thanks Carbie Girl and thanks to all bloggers for sharing your journey and point of view!

Chocolate season is here!

2011-10-31T10:48:00.000-04:00

"I never met a chocolate I didn't like." - Deanna Troi, Star Trek: The Next Generation

There are tell-tale signs of the end of summer: colder nights, inopportune commuting delays due to school buses and the appearance of massive bags of Halloween chocolate. The end of summer means the beginning of fall, one step closer to the blistering winds and snow drifts of winter. But it's not only a sign of climatic change, it's the start of the chocolate season. Ah, yes, the chocolate season is upon us.

Chocolate season runs approximately eight months of the year from the first appearance of Halloween candy in late August through to the sale of Easter chocolate in April. In between Halloween and Easter, there is Christmas chocolate and Valentine's day chocolate; individually wrapped bits of temptation.

Before the cartoonish (our pumpkin is carved in the likeness of Lightening McQueen) jack O' lantern is disposed of in the green bin, the leftover Halloween chocolate goes on sale and the Christmas chocolate arrives on the shelf of every Walmart, Costco, grocery store, dollar store and pharmacy. On boxing day, the Christmas chocolate goes on sale overlapping the arrival of Valentine's Day chocolate. After the romance of Valentine's Day is done, chic and cheap chocolate goes on sale with Easter chocolate. Finally, once the last chocolate bunny and eggs are sold at rock bottom prices, we are blessed with a four month reprieve from the chocolate bombardment.

Damn you little Halloween chocolate bars, Christmas Santas, balls and bells, Valentine's day hearts and chocolate Easter bunnies. How I fool myself into thinking that I can eat just one chocolate per day and eat the 96 pieces over a three and a half month time span. Instead I consume you by the fistful, hoping that each time the cursed box/bag/net will finally be empty.

But this year is different you wretched chocolate. I ignored your summons in the store, I delayed buying you as long as possible, and in the end, I completely ignored you and bought licorice for the little trick or treaters instead.

Last year was the start of change and this year was easier; slowly but surely your grip on me is weakening. Instead of an eight month season, it's morphing into four separate chocolate events; and perhaps in time, chocolate will be just chocolate and no longer an event...

Previous post: Weight watching in gain mode

Weight watching in gain mode

2011-10-28T13:47:00.000-04:00

Karen @ Waisting Time wrote how the numbers on the scale affects how she feels depending on the direction the number is going (going down feel great, going up feels fat). I was reading the comments from her post (Karen's warped theory of relativity) and could completely relate to Muchberry's comment, "I travel to the land without scales when I gain weight" because I too avoid the scale when I'm in gain mode.

But then I remembered that is not entirely true. I'm at the heaviest weight in my life and I witnessed the pounds piling on and the numbers on the scale going up; weigh in after weigh in.

Of course, I would have happily avoided the scale, but unfortunately when one is pregnant, one's doctor weighs you. I was nervous for my first appointment, I had not weighed myself in a year so I knew the number was going to be a shock. Shock it was, I gained 30 pounds in a year (after a year of restricting, I followed up with a year of overeating).

Considering how the hunger hit like a cement truck in the first trimester, I was pleasantly surprised that the weight gain in the second appointment a couple of months later was only two pounds. But after that, the scale indicator didn't stop moving to the right. I even managed a five pound gain in one week. The nurse was positive it was an error (that can't be right) and weighed me again (wow, that is not a mistake).

Not all the weight was a true gain. I was trying to finish some stuff before the baby arrived; complete another class in the magazine publishing certificate program, finish upholstering a pair of club chairs in a re-upholstery workshop plus we were implementing a new online application at work which meant 12 to 14 hour workdays and overtime on weekends. Apparently it is important to put your feet up as much as possible, I retained a boatload of fluids: the swelling in my legs came to my my knees, I was unable to sleep properly during the third trimester and the water in my arms induced carpal tunnel syndrome so I wore wrist guards all day and all night.

The weird thing was that with all that weight gain, my senses dulled to the perpetually increasing number. I was thankful when the gain was limited to one or two pounds and downright delighted on the single occasion that there was no weight gain. But it was impossible to comprehend what I was seeing on the scale, I dismissed it by telling myself that I'd lose it after I was finished having children.

Now here I am, two little boys later and 75 pounds heavier than what I weighed on my wedding day five years ago. In stark contrast to the time that I put on this weight, I'm acutely aware of every pound that I lose and have yet to lose.

I'm kicking myself for not getting help for this eating disorder before I got pregnant - well, sort of - the important point is that I did get help.

Did you gain your weight slowly over many years or did you gain your weight quickly?

Previous post: Dietary Assessment

That's me the one with the zipper down

2011-10-20T13:26:00.000-04:00

Damn it. I did it again. I've been walking around for two hours with my zipper down. Thankfully I put on black undies to go with my black pants this morning.

The funny thing is that this is not an isolated incident. I'm forgetting to zip up my pants all the time, usually an incident or two per week.

I'm unsure exactly when this new behaviour began, but it seems to have coincided with the pregnancy weight gain and the resulting Mommy pouch from two c-sections.

You see, since the expansion of my girth, I changed how I put on my pants. Prior to pregnancy, I would slip pants on, pull up pants, zip the zipper, and finally button the pants around the waist. Post pregnancy, I slip pants on, pull up pants, button up pants and then zip the zipper. The problem is that after 35 years of zipping first and buttoning second, it's easy to forget to zip after buttoning.

What I can't figure out is why I changed the zip/button order in the first place. I do know that this change was not a conscious decision, one day I just started buttoning first and zipping second. I suspect that this change in pant dressing procedure has something to do with my post pregnancy body shape.

Before pregnancy, my pants stayed up with the zipper zipped. Buttoning the button(s) of my pants was really a formality (and to make sure my pants stayed on when moving around and such). After pregnancy, my abdomen melted and pooled around my waist in the form of the Mommy pouch. Now, there is no way the pants will stay up without buttoning, so I need to use the buttons to hold the pants up over the bulky hips and waist area.

Ho hum. Does anyone have any suggestions for me to stop this perpetual embarrassment? Does anyone else have this problem? In any case, if you are in the Toronto area and see a woman in her late 30s walking around with her fly down, say hello, mostly likely it's me...

Previous post: Last night's chicken burger

Last night's chicken burger

2011-10-17T12:10:00.000-04:00

Interesting dinner last night; certainly not the menu, but my eating behaviour.

I'm not the cook of my household. But my husband and father were working on a backyard project for most of the day, so I donned the chef's hat for Sunday's dinner. In the morning, I noticed three zucchinis and a large fennel in the refrigerator. I absolutely love roasted vegetables, so I put the produce on the counter for dinner (I easily forget stuff right now - Mommy brain is in full swing) to go with the main entree.

I'd like to tell you that I cooked something really fabulous worthy of Saveur magazine, but I didn't. I went the easy route: PC menu chicken burgers with a slice of havarti cheese, roasted zucchini and fennel washed down with a glass of milk (still tasting like 2%).

The vegetables could have stayed in the oven for a bit longer, but when the toddler needs to eat, we eat. My husband wasn't too jazzed about the fennel ("I'll look up how to do fennel properly"), but I enjoyed eating the big pile of roasted zucchini and fennel. So much so that I favoured the vegetables over the chicken burger. In fact, I didn't finish the chicken burger.

But I wonder; what if I told myself that I could only eat the roasted vegetables and two-thirds of a chicken burger for dinner. I bet that I'd eat the entire chicken burger, even if I was full.

Previous post: Learning to tolerate the bathroom scale

Learning to tolerate the bathroom scale

2011-10-14T11:09:00.000-04:00

The bathroom scale and I didn’t have a problem until the daymy coach began to weigh my teammates and I. She weighed us on a physician’sscale in the equipment room. Actually she measured us as well, but the numberthat mattered was the one on the scale. After a family trip to Florida, myweight dipped and the following week it jumped back up. At that point my coach discussedwith me about going on a diet.

So there it began; a fear of the scale escalating to a historyof scale avoidance.

I can easily avoid the scale, for months. When my therapistasked me to weigh myself, it took me three weeks to step on the vintage Borgscale to confirm that my weight was over its limit and another five months tofind out my actual weight. I was so anxious about the number on the scale, I joinedTOPS (a nonprofit weight loss group) to ensure that I weighed myself on aweekly basis. (I’m sure I’m not the only dieter that feels that accountabilityis necessary.)

That first weigh in on the cold Monday evening in March wasa shock, but I was thankful that I was lighter than my final weigh in before Idelivered my second baby. I hid my feelings of distress by joking about all thedarn baby weight to lose. The TOPS member warmly smiled and replied that we’veall been there and not to worry, I too will lose the baby weight.

I discussed the weekly weigh-in results with my therapist.She pointed out that your body can easily fluctuate a few pounds up or down. Aquarter pound increase is not a reason to distress; a two pound gain can equateto a missed or late bowel movement. “Your body decides to dispose of weight orkeep it and decides where to put it. What you want is an overall downwardtrend; don’t worry so much about the week-to-week results.”

In May, I decided to kick up the effort to actually loseweight. Interestingly, this coincided with returning to work following ayear-long maternity leave. I admit it’s easier to see my weight, my number; I’mno longer shocked (sharing that number with everyone is another matterentirely) by seeing those three digits on the scale.

As the summer progressed, a curious thing happened. The needfor accountability; to weigh in somewhere other than at my house that seemed socritical only months ago was no longer important. I decided to continue toweigh-in at TOPS until this week, when I weighed in at home for the first timewith a borrowed Salter digital scale.

Today, I’m feeling better about the scale, it’s a toolshowing a number; one method of measuring progress. But I know I can easilyslip back into scale avoidance. I missed the October 3^rd weigh-in atTOPS and ate a few rich meals over the Thanksgiving weekend. I was worriedabout the number. Have I gained weight? I was apprehensive about gaining weightand losing ground in my long journey.

In the end, I weighed myself and kept the results inperspective. Sure the number was loss. But I changed the weigh-in day(Wednesday instead of Monday), the time of day (after I wake up instead of 6pm) and the attire I’m wearing (a pair of socks instead of well, an outfit).

A final thought from Yoni Freedhoff. I’m going to keepin mind the next time the scale freaks me out:

The thing is, scales are trulyfrustrating devices because they don't simply measure caloric intake vs.caloric expenditure. Scales also measure clothing, water retention,constipation, time of month, and time of day differences.

Here are two things you need toknow.

Firstly, there are 3,500 caloriesin a pound, and while bodies are definitely not mathematical instruments whereby,if you do or don't eat 3,500 calories, you'll see a pound change on the scale,bodies do obey the laws of thermodynamics. Weight is mass, and mass is energy.If you step on a scale on a Wednesday and it's 3 pounds heavier than Tuesday,unless you consumed the caloric equivalent of at least 19 Big Macs more thanyou burned, the scale is weighing something other than true weight. You can'tgain mass without putting in the energy.

Secondly, your weight doesn'tmatter.

What do I mean by that? To put itsimply, what moves the number on the scale is not the act of standing on thescale, it's what you're doing and choosing during the times you're not standingon the scale. It's your lifestyle and your choices that change your weight. Youneed to determine how you're doing by evaluating what and how you're actuallydoing by asking yourself questions such as: What have your dietary choices beenlike? How's your fitness? Are you being thoughtful? Are you organized and consistent?

Here are the links to his blog postings on scale addictionand gravitophobia (irrational fear of the bathroom scale). Along with his blogat psychologytoday.com, Yoni also has a blog called Weighty Matters.

Previous post: You are drinking skim milk

You are drinking skim milk

2011-10-03T14:20:00.000-04:00

"This is 2% milk, not skim milk." I tell my husband.

"No, it's skim milk. I bought 2% for the kids and skim for us." He replies.

"Did you buy the skim milk that tastes like 2%? You know I can't drink that stuff. It's disgusting."

"I know you won't drink that milk, it's skim milk you are drinking."

I swirl the milk around in my glass, checking to see if the fat from the milk sticks to the sides. I do the same with my son's glass to compare.

"Are you sure you didn't put a bag of the boy's milk in our jug?" I ask.

"Yes, I'm sure. That is skim milk."

I've been drinking skim milk my entire life. (Yes, my doctor recommended skim milk for babies back in the seventies.) I've always found it to be refreshing and cold. Any time I drink milk other than skim milk it never seems as cold and the texture is too creamy and too much fat. Same for the skim milk that tastes like 2%, I just can drink it. I practically choke on the butterfat.

Every glass of milk that I drank on the weekend tasted like 2% milk. It took quite the effort to down a glass. All I could taste was the butterfat. And hubby was right, it's skim milk, not 2%. I bought more milk on Sunday, placed the skim milk in the correct pitcher, poured a glass from said container, drank from the glass and it still tastes like 2%.

Are my taste buds changing? Am I beginning to crave different foods? I've decreased the chocolate and baked good eating and recently increased the fruits and vegetables consumption. In the grocery store, I'm gravitating towards the greens section contemplating which box of salad to buy: baby spinach or spring mix? We hosted a casual pizza dinner on Saturday and I made a salad to accompany the pizza (usually I wouldn't bother). For lunch Sunday, I made myself a grilled cheese sandwich, along with a big salad and a plateful of beefsteak tomato slices.

I'm hoping this is some sort of a positive sign that I am making real and lasting changes to my eating habits. Like any sane person, I turn to the internet for a possible explanation. I googled "has the butterfat content for skim milk changed recently?" Nothing came up; I guess there wasn't some sort of shift in the dairy industry last week. After decades of struggling with food, it seems hard to believe that change (temporary or permanent) is possible.

I've only reached this state of diet nirvana once before. After a long run of being consistently on plan with Weight Watchers, I couldn't stand the taste of ice cream; all I could taste was the fat from the cream. Instead of Dairy Queen, I preferred TCBY instead. (Unfortunately, with the appropriate determination, I managed to rejuvenate my taste for ice cream.)

Is it possible that my taste buds are changing? Is it possible that my thinking is changing? Is it possible that I am starting to think like a thin person?

Previous post: Setting goals to eat more fruit

Setting goals to eat more fruit

2011-09-27T16:23:00.000-04:00

I figure we wereeight years old. It was the summer and my best friend and I were playing at herhouse. It was snack time and she picked a plum from a fruit bowl on the kitchencounter. She asked me if I wanted a plum too. As she inspected the plums andpicked the one she liked, I distinctly remember wondering why she would chooseto eat a plum, rather than the Oreos that were in the cupboard. (Her mom boughtOreos, mine did not.)

Looking back, Isuppose that mind-set has never really changed in 30 years. Given a choice, I’lleat Oreos over a plum (baked goods rather than fruit) any day of the week.

I’ve struggled withpicking healthy foods for years. Sure, I eat the stuff, but I would rather beeating the mind-satisfying fatty and/or sugary foods. So, when my therapist andI discussed goal setting, increasing my fruit consumption was one of the firstitems to tackle.

Like any seasoneddieter, I set the bar high and initially set my goal to eat a piece of fruitafter each meal. My therapist pointed out that it might be better to startsmall, such as committing to eating a piece of fruit once a day and build fromthere. After all, if I start to feel like I’m on a diet, I also start toovereat. (Of course, this is a minimum - I can eat more fruit if I want to.)

We setparameters for what qualifies as a fruit: whole pieces of fruit, my husband’sberry crumble, and fruit with milk. Of course, the majority of time, I ate a piece of fruit,but if hubby happened to make a crumble, I counted it as a fruit. So Istarted eating a piece of fruit a day; if I didn’t make my goal forsome reason, I started again the next day. (Feeling badly for not eating thatpiece of fruit would increase my anxiety and trigger overeating.)

After two months of eating a minimum of one piece of fruit a day, I increased my goal to include eating a fruitfor dessert at dinnertime three times a week. (Note: we don’t have dessertafter dinner – but I wanted to get in the habit of eating fruit after dinner orany meal for that matter). This actually worked very well; eating fruit withDaddy on the couch watching the Backyardigans is now a part of my older son’sbedtime routine and I’m happier to choose an apple or plum over a processeddessert now.

When I headed backto work in May after my maternity leave, again, I made a goal to increase myfruit consumption. My new goal is to eat all the fruit I bring to work by thetime I get home. (Previously, I brought only one piece of fruit to work and itwas not unusual for said piece of fruit to be shuttled to and from work for aweek.)

I’m pleased to report that I've achieved this goal; a peach on the train to the office, an apple inthe afternoon and another apple on the train home. When I’m hungry I usuallyreach for a piece of fruit first.

Yesterday, I met afriend for lunch. I brought my salad, bun and fruit with me. She looked at thepeach I was eating and noted that it didn’t look very tasty. Having eaten awhole bunch of not-so tasty fruit lately, I told her that I’ve had better, but thispeach is actually not too bad.

That’s progress, I’meating more fruit, and I’m no longer overeating on junk food if my peach happens totaste like cardboard.

Previous Post: When fruit just doesn't taste good part 2

When fruit just doesn't taste good part 2

2011-09-20T15:38:00.000-04:00

“Fruit is sweet. It’s very tasty when it is in season.” I saidto my therapist. “Not like chocolate, but it’s still sweet.”

“Yes, in comparison, chocolate is much more sweet.” Mytherapist replies.

I consider this silently for a few moments.

“I should keep in mind that fruit at one time was considered a treat and not widelyavailable. If I want something sweet I should reachfor an apple not a cookie, because an apple is sweet and better for me.”

“Just not as sweet as chocolate, cookies or ice cream.” Shereminds me.

I don’t really know why I think that at some point inhistory that fruit was considered an indulgence (couldn't find any articles ina Google search). But to be honest with you, telling myself that I shouldn't take fruit for granted helps me reach for fruit instead of a chocolate bar tosatisfy my sweet tooth more frequently.

My fruit-eating history is uneven. As a kid, I hated eatingpulpy, dry oranges or navel oranges with the weird twin fruit nub. Sometimesapples seem to cut my gums and even though grapes are great, sometimes they hadyucky seeds. My Mom would be absolutely appalled if she knew how much fruit Ithrew out from my packed lunch.

As an adult sometimes I’d eat lots of fruit, and sometimes nextto no fruit. Before therapy, fruit eating (and salad eating) went in cycleswith weight loss and Weight Watcher’s memberships. On plan = eating fruit; offplan = no fruit.

Thinking back, I've always considered eating fruit anunwanted obligation rather than a source of sweet food choice. I’d quicklyforget about a good fruit eating experience and dwell on the well, let’s justsay the tasteless, dry bad apple. So, I suppose it’s not surprising that wheneverI thought that fruit didn't taste as it should, I’d eat a cookie or a chocolatebar to make up for the lack of taste; the lack of sweetness.

So now, in the maintenance phase of therapy, I eat anywherebetween two and four servings of fruit a day. If I want something sweet, I eata piece of fruit first. Although my choice of fruit (which I mix up to avoid overeating due to boredom) doesn't always taste good as I hope, Iremind myself that is OK and focus on the health benefits.

Thank you Sarah at Fat So Sarah: A Weight Loss Journey for awarding me the Liebster Blog Award! Once I figure out how to copy and paste images to posts and my blog, I'll pay it forward too!

Previous Post: When fruit just doesn't taste good

Next Post: Setting goals to increase fruit-eating

When fruit just doesn't taste good

2011-09-16T11:45:00.000-04:00

“Don't buy peaches this week; they aren’t lasting verylong and half the basket is going out to the recycling bin.” My husband and I were discussing the weeklytrip to the grocery store. The peaches were so delicious this year, drippingwith juice and peachy sweet. I could have eaten them all day; with one exception, a dry, tasteless peach that left more disappointment thansatisfaction.

Despite the fact that the peach growing season is coming to aclose and the quality is shrinking, I decided to buy a basket of peaches. Theylooked delicious and thankfully, not too ripe. They should last for theremainder of the week. Unfortunately, the next morning, I was disappointed. Mylovely peach was hard; my front two teeth didn't even break the skin.Immediately I knew my eating plan for the week in jeopardy.

One of the earliest discoveries in the cognitive behaviortherapy sessions was realizing that if the food I eat doesn't taste good I eatadditional food to make up for the lack of taste. Fruit is usually the commonculprit in this scenario. But, it can also be triggered when eatingnew/different foods, or when a dish is prepared differently for some reason. (This is another draw to processed food – Iknow what to expect, the taste and texture is always the same.)

An example: I decide to eat an orange because it’s a sweet, juicy fruit and a healthy food choice. However, instead of a juicysweet orange, all I taste is the thick membrane, dry and tasteless pulp, and it’s overflowingwith seeds. After eating the orange, anxiety-induced hunger washes over urgingme to the convenience store (at work) or the pantry (at home). I’m unsatisfied,and the need for satisfaction grows. I head to Shoppers Drug Mart and buy a bagof mini Reese’s Peanut Butter cups, head back to my desk and slowly sneakchocolates for the next hour or two until the package is empty.

My therapist and I talked about this situation – the needfor all food to taste good - pointed out that sometimes food is not goingto taste as good. I have to keep in mind that it is just food and when the anxiety hunger comes I have tosit with it and resist the urge to eat to make up for the lack of taste. After all, anothermeal and another opportunity to acquire the taste satisfaction are only two tothree hours away.

As for the peaches, they have ripened slightly for the past five days. I ate one while writing this post, utterly disappointed that there wasno juice and only a hint of taste. But, I’m living with the disappointment andsitting with the anxiety. My anxietylevel has been up and down this week since the oranges I picked up have alsobeen tasteless.

Apples may not be the most exciting fruit, but it is aconsistent choice. It’s easy to spot the tasty from the tasteless. If only thetasty oranges, melons, peaches, pears and plums were as easy to spot.

Ho hum.

Previous Post: Back in the bike saddle

Back in the bike saddle

2011-09-13T14:17:00.000-04:00

The bicycle is a curious vehicle. Its passenger is its engine. ~John Howard

Everything changed in the spring of 1998. A 10 year-old redToyota Tercel came into my life. For the first time in 26 years, I owned a car.Biking, walking and public transportation were no longer the primary modes oftransportation. Grocery shopping, visiting friends and getting to work waseasier, faster and less sweaty. On theflipside, I no longer benefited from the exercise of getting from one placeto another. After acquiring a car, my bike was no longer a way to get around;it was an option for recreational activity.

Truth be told, I never counted walking to the store orriding my bike to work as an actual workout or worth tracking for dieting purposesince it was so effortless. I found out this weekend, that I took thatday-to-day activity for granted.

I haven’t been on a bicycle since my first pregnancy fouryears ago. You never forget how to ride a bicycle, but I was very surprised athow difficult it was to pedal the darn thing less than a kilometer after afour-year absence. My toddler lost hishat during a walk on Sunday and I hopped on my husband’s hybrid mountain biketo find it.

Once in the saddle, everything felt wobbly; the bike itself,my arms and legs. The back tire seemed to be melting into the road (Flat tire? No, that's me, I'mjust heavy) and I was painfully aware of the diminished squeezing ability of mygluteus maximus. This little 10-minute bike ride on flat terrain induced beadsof sweat on my forehead and under the helmet.

I can’t believe I allowed myself get to this point, sooverweight and so out-of-shape. But, I have to look forward not back and spendmore time on a bike saddle tightening my a**!

Previous Post: Salad vs. the McChicken combo

Salad vs. the McChicken combo

2011-09-09T15:50:00.000-04:00

I’m at the end of the second week of eating salad and asmall bun at lunchtime instead of a sandwich and coleslaw. It’s surprising howsatisfying this new lunch choice is. Instead of traditional salad toppings suchas carrots and celery, this salad includes baked chicken breast, sliced tomatoes,walnuts and sundried tomatoes (no oil) with Renee’s low fat poppy seed dressingon the side.

But, yesterday my lunchtime routine was disrupted. I bookedan eye examination with the optometrist at 11 am at an office across the street from where I work. I haven’thad a check-up in a long time, so I thought I should go. The exam went welluntil it was time for the eye drops. Apparently I can add eyeballs to my listof body parts that make me queasy. Thankfully, I didn’t pass out, but I wasnauseated for at least 15 minutes. While recovering, the optometrist saw otherpatients, and in the end, I returned to the office just before 1 pm, absolutelyfamished!

One of my no diet diet rules is to eat every three hours.Yesterday I had a light snack at 9:30 am, but I was unable to eat my lunch at12:30. After returning from the exam, I reached for convenience food instead ofassembling my salad. I gobbled down my bun quickly and met up with my friendand colleague as we had plans to go for a walk (I assumed the eye exam wouldtake only a half hour).

I asked her if she had eaten anything for lunch; I told her Iwas famished, and I was no longer interested in my salad. We decided to go to afood court down the street and get something there. There were the usual fastfood options: Subway, The Teriyaki Experience, a Greek joint, a Taco joint, anItalian joint and of course, McDonald’s. I was close to picking Subway, but weended up at the golden arches.

It shouldn’t be surprising that I decided to order aMcChicken combo instead of my usual order of a cheeseburger, small fries and adiet coke. I need more than a cheeseburger I rationalized. I need more than a small fries. Need, need,need or is it want, want want?

You know what? I didn’t enjoy eating the McChicken sandwich.I admit, the fries were tasty, but after eating all those calories and all thatfat, I wasn’t satisfied at all. What I needed, and actually craving was mywalnut, tomato and chicken-topped salad with poppy seed dressing. So when I gotback to the office (again) I assembled my salad; and finally I was satisfied.

What did I learn from this experience other than to ensurethat I eat every three hours? Now that I’ve removed all the psychologicalroadblocks associated with salads and highly processed fast food, I know that abig leafy salad with interesting toppings is actually more satisfying than aMcChicken combo.

Previous Post: Returning to the pool after 20 years

Returning to the pool after 20 years

2011-09-06T16:28:00.000-04:00

I push off the wall and glide underwater. Slowly the top ofmy head reaches the surface and I blow out the air from my lungs. I turn myhead to the left and breathe in air that fills my lungs. With each stroke myarms reach farther down the pool, stretching from my shoulders to myfingertips. I take one last strong stroke to the end of the pool and using the momentum;I flip my legs over and push off the wall and head back down the pool. I feelstrong as I power through the water.

Or, perhaps I feel like I’m lifting concrete arms barreling throughclass 2 rapids.

I was happy that my speedo fit for last Monday night’s swimpractice. Or at least I thought it fit. Once I arrived at the pool and pulledoff my t-shirt, all I could see were the specks of rotten lycra flakeseverywhere. Hopefully my suit will make it through this practice I thought tomyself.

The coach wanted tosee me swim to assess my technique and speed. I had been on the waiting listfor a year, so I didn’t want to oversell or undersell my capabilities. Idescribed myself as a former, out-of-shape, national level competitivesynchronized swimmer with baby weight to lose. My goal for the workout wasto keep up as much as possible and make it through the hour-long workout.

The workout felt great and crappy all at the same time. Thepower from my arms wasn’t there and my breath control is no longer at the capacity it once was. But I had fun; I loved the workout (which is much moreinteresting than just swimming for an hour) and swimming with other people was motivating. Considering I haven’t had a proper swim workout with a coach in twentyyears, I achieved my goals for the evening. For the most part Ikept up with the other three swimmers in my lane and I made it through thewhole hour.

Besides swimming in a rotten speedo, the other funny momentfor the night was swimming 25 meters underwater. Usually, this is not a problemfor this former synchronized swimmer. During my competitive years, I could swim50 meters long course underwater. Since my synchro days, I’veadded on a whole lot of natural buoyancy to my body. So only after five strokesand 12 meters prematurely, my head popped to the surface. After that littlesnafu, I switched from breast stroke to dolphin kick to go the rest of the wayunderwater.

Even though I was slow, and out-of-shape, the coach saw potential. From my technique, she could tell that I was a former swimmer andassured me that many swimmers have been in my situation, attempting to get backin shape after pregnancy weight gain.

A week later, my arms feel stronger and I can still feeleffects of last Monday’s workout. I’m looking forward to next week's start of the weeklypractices. And with time, whenever I turn my head for a breath, I'll take in more air and less water. (I burped for 15 hours after the workout ended from inhaling so much water.)

Previous Post: Switching to black forest ham is not much of a change

Switching to black forest ham is not much of a change

2011-08-29T15:31:00.000-04:00

Last Sunday, my three year old son points at some low-fat bran muffins, “Mommy, can we get some of these?”

For some reason beyond me, I tell him we’ll come back to the bakery section. Obviously I didn’t want to make a decision. Perhaps I was hoping that he would forget about the muffins. Of course, he reminded me that I promised to return to the bakery. Unfortunately, the brownies, instead of the muffins, caught his eye.

Yes, I bought the brownies. It was a small package, and he easily forgets about treats in the house. I figured that it was an opportunity to practice having sweets (treats, restricted/ bad food) in the pantry.

The brownies lasted in the house from lunch Sunday to Tuesday evening. My son had one brownie, my husband had two, and I had the other five.

At least the consumption was spread across a 72 hour time period.

What happened?

Almost a month before, I wrote how eating the same thing day after day triggers overeating. Unfortunately, I’m slow to change. At the time, I changed the deli meat of my lunchtime sandwich. Instead of eating a roasted turkey and havarti sandwich, I switched it up to a black forest ham and havarti sandwich. Daring eh? Not surprisingly, this deli meat swap was insufficient.

Finally, I've completely changed my lunch. For the next while, I’m eating a salad comprised of spring mix lettuce, tomatoes, baked chicken breast, walnut pieces, pumpkin seeds, sun dried tomatoes (no oil), and minimal salad dressing at lunchtime along with a small roll, and fruit. And it was surprisingly tasty and filling. I imagine that the salad will lose its spark quicker than a sandwich, but perhaps when I recognize the signs, I’ll implement change faster and perhaps prevent another rapidly depleting brownie situation at the house.

Speaking of change, the amount of exercise is increasing tonight. I’ve been on the waiting list for the local masters swim club for a year now. I may have a spot, but the coach wants to see my swim tonight to see how fast I am. I haven’t trained consistently in the pool in years. I’m hoping I haven’t oversold her on my swimming ability. More importantly, I’m hoping that I can last the hour-long workout!

Previous Post: A post about "Maggie goes on a Diet"

A post about "Maggie goes on a Diet"

2011-08-24T12:12:00.000-04:00

“Hey Tania, there is a new children’s book coming out this fall. It’s called, ‘Maggie goes on a Diet.’ Izzy left a link to the CTV news piece on my facebook page.”

Tania’s eyes widen in disgust. Tania doesn’t have a weight problem, but we often talk about weight issues, eating disorders, walkable communities and the North American eating culture.

“It’s about a 14 year-old girl named Maggie who decides to go on a diet after being bullied and teased. She exercises and eats well and loses weight. In the end she is popular and becomes the star of the soccer team. It’s aimed at girls as young as five.”

“Five?” she says in shock.

“Disgusting eh? Sure, there are good messages in the book such as eating well and exercising. But why does the author need to focus on stereotypes? There is the bullied, ostracized fat girl; the thin, popular athletic star; girl bingeing in front of the refrigerator. Why does the book need to be so obvious? The book can focus on the eating and exercise but you don’t have to call it a diet.”

“Why couldn’t the story be about Maggie getting on the soccer team?” Tania says.

“Exactly! That’s a great suggestion.”

“But it’s a business. It’s easier to market and make money with a straight-forward message.”

“It’s not even published yet and look at all the free publicity! Apparently the author is shocked by the controversy about his book,” I reply.

“Well, many people including the author don’t understand the negative implications of dieting, especially at such an early age.”

“Agreed. Dieting is one of the most common environmental triggers for eating disorders. I’ve battled two types of eating disorders since I was 15, set off from the pressures of dieting. Sure, not everyone who reads this book will develop and eating disorder, but I suspect that many at risk children will be drawn to this book like a moth to a flame.”

“Like the little girl in the CTV news piece. She wants to read the book because she ‘feels fat about herself.’ She’s not remotely overweight. She looks younger than 12.”

“If that’s not a wake-up call, I don’t know what else is,” I reply sadly.

If "Maggie goes on a Diet" disturbes you, sign the petition here.

Previous Post: Sandy Naiman: How I got an eating disorder at 62

Sandy Naiman: How I got an eating disorder at 62

2011-08-22T14:08:00.000-04:00

If you haven't had the chance, please read this healthzone.ca article, "How I got an eating disorder at 62" by Psych Central's blogger Sandy Naiman. I found many interesting points and provided answers to my EDNOS diagnosis.

Here are my thoughts from the article:

I’m 62 and 5-ft. even. I’ve been an extreme yo-yo dieter my whole life, but it’s growing harder and more oppressive every day.

Harder and more oppressive every day is how I see my own dieting journey. Losing weight and dieting became increasingly impossible, my motivation and "willpower" to succeed was slowly replaced by anxiety and disdain of deprivation.

Disordered eating is defined as any sort of irregular eating behaviour that, while not exactly healthy, doesn’t fit the characteristics required for an eating disorder diagnosis. Chances are good that you’ve observed disordered eating at some point while listening to a group of women agonize over restaurant menus.

Recently, NEDA (National Eating Disorder Association) successfully pulled a Yoplait yogurt ad from the air due to the portrayal of diet negotiating language as healthy and normal. It's very common (I too, thought this was normal and healthy) but it's not healthy or normal. I blogged about the Yoplait ad here.

"Anorexia, bulimia and what are known as “eating disorders not otherwise specified (EDNOS)” – including binge-eating disorder – are serious, potentially fatal mental illnesses, according to a 2011 report by the Academy for Eating Disorders (AED).

Once I stopped purging twenty years ago, I was no longer bulimic, but I knew that nothing changed psychologically. But if I didn't have bulimia, what was wrong with me? It wasn't until I entered into therapy that I learned about EDNOS, and now I can at least put a name and get treatment to get out of this hell hole.

“It’s well accepted by leading researchers that eating disorders are genetically pre-disposed, tend to run in families and have nothing to do with metabolism,” Tartakovsky says.

"Your metabolism is just slow," is a common catchphrase many well-intended people would tell me. I'm glad to know that the genetic aspect of my condition has nothing to do with my metabolism.

“Furthermore, genes turn on and off all the time,” Woodside explains. “Some genetic loading may be activated by dieting – this may be the most common environmental trigger – and other loading may be activated by other factors, such as the biological changes that occur in puberty.”

Holy cow, this is me. I discovered in cognitive therapy that all of my overeating, bingeing and obsession with junk food is directly related to decades of dieting. I can recall the feelings of dred and deprivation when my synchronized swimming coach told me to lose weight at the age of 13.

In her clinical practice, Bulik has seen adults with three manifestations of eating disorders. The illnesses can: start in adolescence and persist through mid-life, start in mid-life, occur in adolescence, with a recovery period, then recur in mid-life.

I'm the first manifestation, starts in adolescence and persists through mid-life. After 23 years, I'm tired of food and weight ruling my life.

15 MAJOR TRANSITIONS THAT CAN TRIGGER A LATENT OR FIRST-TIME EATING DISORDER

Wow, I may be on the way to becoming a normal, healthy eater who is not ruled by cravings, anxiety and five wardrobes spanning various sizes, but that can come undone by a major life-event. Good to know.

“I didn’t want to preach against obesity,” Gura said. “I wanted to move to a better place in my life, to stop struggling, to accept myself.”

Yes, I want the struggle to end.

THERE IS HOPE

When I began cognitive therapy, I had no hope that I could change but my therapist told me that there is hope. Now, I know she was right.

These disorders are obsessions. They are not choices. They’re an irresistible urge to behave in a certain way, against your conscious wishes.

Obsession is how I often describe myself. Obsessed with the food I eat, obsessed with food I shouldn't eat, obsessed with my weight.

The addiction is to the behaviour of dieting, not the food, explains Woodside.

I didn't understand this statement until a friend said, "I know what makes me overeat, it's all about the carbs." That's when I understood it's not about the food (sweets, bread, french fries) it's about the behaviour that comes from dieting. If a diet tells me to limit carbs, I think about carbs, I crave carbs, I develop anxiety stemming from a fear of eating carbs, anxiety increases feelings of hunger, and I eat carbs to relieve the anxiety. It's not the carbs, it's rebelling from restricting yourself from eating carbs.

Both Bulik and Woodside say they are upset by the shortage of clinics and psychiatrists and psychologists treating eating disorders because they are misperceived as illnesses only affecting adolescent girls and young women.

In addition, do doctors recognize the more subtle signs of EDNOS in their patients? My family doctor completely dismissed me when I tried to get help a few years back telling me that, "dieting is hard for a lot of people."

The average waiting time for an assessment is now four months at Toronto General Hospital.

Wait times at clinics far from my house always deflated my resolve to get help. I went to a private cognitive behaviour therapy clinic. I called and had an appointment shortly thereafter. Expensive, but I was worth the investment.

What do you think? Does this article speak to you?

Previous post: French fries vs. the chef's salad

French fries vs. the Chef's salad

2011-08-19T12:41:00.000-04:00

Choices on the menu blur together in a mangled mess of carbohydrates, deep-fried goodness and sweet not-so-nothingness. Fish and chips! Chicken pot pie! Macaroni and cheese! French fries! Sweet potato fries! Beef dip and homemade burgers!

What am I going to eat?

Of course, I should eat the chef’s salad (not the Caesar salad) or the chicken wrap. Yes, the chicken wrap. It’ll be sort of good, not wildly interesting, but it’s fairly healthy. Maybe I’ll get French fries, no, sweet potato fries instead of the side salad. Yum, fries. I love fries. No, I should get the salad. Caesar salad might be tastier than a boring chef salad. I want the Caesar salad, but I should get the chef's salad. But what about the fish and chips? Deep fried battered fish and French fries. I can't make that at home. No, no, no, I should get the chicken wrap with the chef's salad. Yes, I’m going to do it. I’d rather eat the fish and chips, but I’m going to make the healthy choice.

“Yes, I’ll have the fish and chips,” I say to the waiter.

"Why didn't I order the wrap?" I say to myself.

Going to a restaurant and making a healthy choice has always been difficult for me. Most entrees and appetizers are “bad” foods prepared in the unhealthiest manner: deep friend and battered, oiled and fried, sugary and baked. Plus, there is the sheer amount of food and social pressure (directly and indirect) encouraging me to eat.

As you can imagine, the prospect of going out for the night always invokes a variety of thoughts: have fun, but eat something healthy; live a little, eat something bad for you; that looks delicious, I want to eat that too; that looks healthy, I should eat that salad instead.

A year ago, it was a sure bet that despite the best intentions and nutritional knowledge, I would always order an entrée (sometimes healthy, sometimes not) with French fries. I would pass over choices that did not include French fries as a side option. So I was a little worried as to what would happen when I met up with a group of friends for dinner and drinks at an Irish pub in Cabbagetown.

My plan for the evening was to order a pop and something light to eat. The menu was full of high-fat, big-portioned pub food. My final two choices came down to a half-order of the chef's salad with chicken and the chicken caesar wrap with a chef's salad. In the end, I decided to order the wrap with the chef's salad.

I considered both the caesar salad and the french fries as my side, but I picked the chef's salad because it was the healthier choice. I know that the other choices such as fish and chips or the macaroni and cheese would have been tastier, but for once in my life, I didn't feel like I'm missing out or wishing that I was thin enough to eat something more fattening. For once, I'm happy with the decision I made, which happened to be the healthy choice.

I talked to my therapist shortly after my trip to Newfoundland and she told me that changing my brain and thinking takes practice. I agree. A month and a half ago, I was still choosing french fries over a side salad. Yesterday, I easily picked the chef's salad instead.

And a completely foreign thought popped into my head: am I actually starting to crave vegetables?

"You just have to want to do it" says Mila Kunis

2011-08-17T12:00:00.000-04:00

A friend emailed me this link to an article in the Globe and Mail about a quote from the actress Mila Kunis who lost 20 pounds for her role in Black Swan. In an interview with British Glamour magazine she was quoted as saying, "...when people say, 'I can't lose weight,' no, no, no, you can. Your body can do everything and anything, you just have to want to do it."

Here is the comment I left about this article:

To lose weight you need to eat less calories than your body uses. Sounds easy, but for many people accomplishing this is difficult. Why? Because long-term dieting affects your thinking and can work against you.

After years (decades) of dieting and an eating disorder history, I finally got help from a cognitive behaviour therapist. I discovered that my overeating behaviour is triggered by dieting not by food. Following (or not following) dieting rules produces anxiety and anxiety feels like hunger. In the beginning I could easily will my way through a craving, but as the years went by it became increasingly more difficult.

If you want to find out what triggers your eating, I recommend cognitive behaviour therapy. I feel like a new person, I'm not thinking about food all the time, battling cravings, and constantly stressed about whether or not I can make it in and out of the store without buying something to eat. And for the first time in my life, I'm losing weight without a diet.

I'm not surprised that Mila Kunis thinks that "you just have to want to do it" in order to lose weight. Most people think that. Anyone on a diet wants to lose weight; the problem is that how they think about food and eating can either help them lose weight or completely sabotage it.

On a positive note, at least Mila acknowledged that she didn't feel attractive at 95 pounds... Let me know what you think.

Previous Post: How do you solve a problem like Oreos?

How do you solve a problem like Oreos?

2011-08-15T16:15:00.000-04:00

Oreos. Two chocolate wafer cookies separated by a creamy, sugary, icing that pairs wonderfully with a glass of milk or a bowl of ice cream; great for overeating on the couch, in the car or in the closet.

I love Oreos. I LOVE Oreos! I have overeaten and binged on many Oreos over the years: the original Oreo, double stuf, mint Oreos, Oreo ice cream, and Oreo ice cream sandwiched by two big Oreo cookies. Needless to say, I have all sorts of dieting baggage that accompanies every box of Oreos I decide to buy. I can’t seem to eat just one. Or four. Or even a whole row.

To me, the Oreo cookie represents all “bad” or restricted foods from the last twenty years. Oreos are one of those foods guaranteed to initiate overeating, if not a full-blown binge. Many of the pounds I’m hauling around today are a direct result of eating too many Oreos, especially during my two pregnancies.

In my last post, I wrote about why I always have something sweet (but not too sweet) in my house. I noticed that cupboards completely vacant of all foods of the restricted variety increased my anxiety and obsessive food thoughts. I also wrote about the mixed results of bringing super sweet foods such as Oreos (food with dieting baggage) into the house and how I would either overeat or forget about them entirely.

But, I didn’t write about how I cope with Oreos in the house (because I will always have a hankering for Oreos). Will I buy Oreos? Will I eat Oreos?

Yes, I will buy Oreos. Yes, I will eat (maybe even overeat) Oreos. If I do overeat on Oreos, it is important that I remain positive, do not feel guilty and start again immediately, “I had an oops moment, it happened, and now I’m going to forget about it.”

Before therapy, it was a struggle to leave the grocery store or convenience store without a package of Oreos or chocolates; neither food lasted very long in my house or at my desk.

The good news is that since therapy, I no longer crave Oreos as frequently. No food (including Oreos) is considered off-limits and the conflicting mental battle of wanting to eat but can’t or shouldn’t eat it thoughts are manageable. So buying Oreos on the rare occasion does not initiate an anxiety-induced turmoil resulting in bingeing. It’s just one of those foods that sometimes I will eat a normal amount and sometimes I’ll eat more.

Come to think of it, I haven't bought Oreos since May and those Oreos were destined for my son's ice cream birthday cake.

Next post: thoughts on a healthzone.ca article on eating disorders

Previous post: Avoid junk food temptations! Keep junk food out of your house!

Avoid junk food temptations! Keep junk food out of your house!

2011-08-10T11:44:00.000-04:00

It’s one of the most common dieting tips. Stock your refrigerator and pantry with healthy foods; clear your shelves of junk food and sugar. Remove the temptation and you will choose to (or have to) eat healthy food instead. This makes perfect sense right?

I was terrified to bring junk food such as heavenly hash ice cream, two-bite brownies or a family-sized bag of Cadbury Mini-Eggs into my kitchen. Ice cream would be gone within 24 hours; my husband was lucky to get a scoop. I’d eat a small bowl or two before breakfast and any other time of day I could scoop some in a bowl and wolf it down before anyone noticed.

Yes, I need to avoid junk food temptations. Junk food was not welcome in my house.

The annual wrench in my dieting effort (aka Christmas baking) increased my dread for the holiday season. I love baking gingerbread cookies, shortbread cookies and chocolate treats for presents and hostess gifts. But, I could not handle the temptation, I would eat my way through Christmas; I was lucky if I managed to keep some shortbread for New Year’s dinner.

I was approaching the three month mark in my cognitive therapy journey when Christmas rolled around. We were hosting four events: my son’s baptism, Christmas dinner, New Year’s Eve dinner and a family dinner. I baked more cookies than in previous years.

By some sort of miracle, I had lots of cookies for all the events. To my shock, I wasn’t even interested in eating the Christmas baking. Here and there I’d have a gingerbread man or piece of shortbread. Even with all the events and handmade gifts for friends, the cookies almost lasted until February.

Then something weird happened. I was feeling anxious; the hunting and obsessing about food started again. What was going on? I had baked and stored dozens of cookies for almost a month and a half; I managed to navigate a dieting minefield with ease. The temptation was gone, so why was I feeling anxious?

“I felt a sense of loss when all the Christmas baking was gone. Somehow I was comforted by having something sweet in the house. My anxiety increased significantly.” I told my therapist. “I think I need to have something sweet in the house.”

My therapist and I discussed this discovery. For months, I repeated my mantra, “I can eat it if I really want it. I can have more, buy more and make more if I really want it.” It took time and many bowls of granola for my subconscious to actually believe it. But when there was nothing left, (no cookies, no nothing) I was back in diet land: avoid junk food temptation; keep junk food out of your house! Instead avoiding temptation, removing all junk food simply made me crave it even more.

We came up with a plan to experiment with “bad” (or restricted) foods. I did what every magazine article tells you to not do; I brought junk food back into the house. One “bad” food at a time, I brought ice cream, Oreos, brownies and mini cupcakes to see what would happen.

My anxiety level decreased; I was, in fact, comforted by having some sort of treat/sweet food in the house. I could easily ignore ice cream, chips and crackers. With super sweet stuff like Oreos, brownies and mini cupcakes, I experienced mixed results. Sometimes I would forget about the box of Oreos on my pantry shelf, other times I’d eat an entire row of cookies in one sitting.

I brought in new foods such as Nonnis’ biscotti, a tasty treat, but I didn’t covet this food like I do with Oreos. Sweets without the dieting baggage are the perfect comfort for me. I rarely crave eating the light, crunchy cookies. And when I make the positive choice to eat a biscotti, I eat it slowly (intuitive eating style) so I can enjoy the flavor and texture.

So now I do the exact opposite of dieting convention: I always ensure that I have something sweet (like the biscotti) in my house, sharing shelf space with the healthy foods. I discovered that even if tempting foods are physically removed from my house, this physical hurdle did not quell the psychological temptation. I wanted what I couldn’t have; increasing anxiety and cravings.

Note: I’m not suggesting that you start bringing your restricted foods back into your house. I believe that you need to do what works for you. That may mean keeping the most tempting foods at the store. I had the benefit of making this discovery with help from my therapist and the cognitive behaviour therapy process.

Next post: Do I bring Oreos and other foods with dieting baggage into my house?

Weight Watchers is too restrictive part 2

2011-08-04T23:59:00.000-04:00

I'd like to say that for any dieter reading this, I believe that you should follow the plan (be it Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, etc.) that is working for you. Obviously, for both my friend and I, Weight Watchers no longer worked for us.

My friend's therapist did say that Weight Watchers is one of the better programs on the market. But, like all structured diets, it's still restrictive. You can eat what you want and how much you want until you run out of points.

Whenever I was on Weight Watchers (and between memberships too; can you ever really turn off the diet mentality?) I was constantly worried that I would run out of points and I would dwell on what I could and could not eat. Meal planning was difficult; trying to figure out the proper balance and appropriate amount of quality foods to fuel the body and treats stave off any feelings of deprivation.

My last successful run on Weight Watchers was in 2005 and 2006 in preparation for my wedding. I knew from the outset that the points program wasn't going to work for me. I was one of the few core plan participants. The core plan worked for me since I could eat unlimited quantities of core foods, tracking was not required and meal planning was fairly simple.

After the birth of my first baby, I again looked to Weight Watchers to lose the baby weight. I joined the online program and selected the core program. I lasted only months. The problem with the core plan is that I could only eat core foods. Sure, I could eat non-core foods, but then I had the freakin' point-planning headache.

Have you considered the psychological ramifications of restricting yourself? Constantly telling yourself that you can't eat this, can't eat that; or don't eat too much of this, don't eat too much of that? It's human nature to want what you can't have. For decades, I told myself that I couldn't eat all sorts of food such as ice cream, chocolate, cookies and even fruit juice.

Of course, you may be thinking that you can eat anything you want in small quantities (the flexibility of the points plan allows this). This strategy may work for you, but it could have the same psychological affects on your eating as restricting the type of foods you eat.

Let's say you've figured out that you have enough points to eat half a bag of Miss. Vickies' potato chips. But you really want to eat the whole bag of chips. Your anxiety level rises; you want the whole bag of chips, a half bag is no longer enough. There is an internal battle of wills: your motivation to lose weight and will to resist versus human nature and anxiety-induced hunger.

When my dieting career began, motivation and will power easily overcame my natural need to want what I couldn't have. As my dieting-induced anxiety increased, the human nature/anxiety side began to win the battle (these internal conflicts increased in frequency).

I suspect that not all dieters have this problem. I think some dieters aren't bothered by eating smaller quantities of food and not eating other foods at all.

So, if you are on Weight Watchers or some other structured diet, here are my tips for you:

Make a positive choice "I'm choosing to eat a peach as a snack" rather than a negative decision "No, I can't eat a bag of potato chips for snack, I have to eat this peach instead."
Whatever choice of food you decide to eat remain positive; don't dwell on the food that you're not eating. "I can eat the bag of potato chips if I really want to, but I've made the decision to not eat it because I would like to lose weight."
Same goes for quantity of food. If you've decided to eat a smaller portion of food, don't obsess about your decision. "I can eat more potato chips if I really want to, but I have made the choice to eat a smaller amount because I would like to lose weight."
If you do eat a food or an amount of food that pushes you over your food limit, don't become preoccupied with your moment of overindulgence. Forget about your splurge and start fresh; feeling badly and obsessing about a binge or an overeating episode will only increase your dieting related anxiety. "I had an oops moment. It's over, I'm moving on."

A final thought: what if the pressure to stay within your daily and weekly points limit causes so much anxiety that it triggers binges and overeating? Why do so many dieters gain back the weight they've lost and more?

Quick Links:
Weight Watchers is too restrictive part 1

Weight Watchers is too restrictive

2011-08-02T13:14:00.000-04:00

We met more than 11 years ago on the banks of the credit river at the Don Rowing Club. My friend has soft, curly, long, brown (occasionally blonde) hair, and a huge smile that shows off her high cheekbones.

We are both athletic in nature. We’d rather be training for a 5 or 10 K run or a rowing or dragon boating regatta than spending time on an elliptical machine in the gym. Over the years, we’ve laughed, cried and chatted about everything from boys and career plans to friends and family, to fitness and our mutual subject of obsession, weight.

Both of our waistlines have been expanding over the years. Up and down our weight has gone; through cycles of dieting and overeating; on or off Weight Watchers; training for an athletic event or lazing on the couch just talking about it. I’m a lot bigger than her (my weight gain exploded during my two pregnancies) but for both of us, traditional dieting had become increasingly difficult.

She was very interested when I talked to her about what I was learning about my eating issues in cognitive therapy. We talked about how restricting yourself on a diet damages the psychology of your eating; anxiety and how it triggers hunger; and how dieting, following the all or nothing rules, results in anxious and guilt-ridden feelings triggering binges and episodes of overeating. We talked how it made so much sense and she is one of my friends supporting my blog.

This spring, in a bid to lose weight again, she decided to register for the online Weight Watchers program. For a couple of months, she’s basically gained and lost the same 2 pounds. Finally, she talked to her therapist about it.

“Weight Watchers in too restrictive for you,” her therapist told her.

In order to change her relationship with food, she told her that she needs to want to make a change and she needs to believe in herself. Her therapist left her with a couple of to do’s: introduce off limit foods back into rotation (such as chips, chocolate and cookies) and develop self-trust by setting and completing daily tasks.

I asked her about what she meant about self-trust. Her therapist told her that she puts her trust into Weight Watchers rather than trusting herself to lose weight. I have to admit, that was a little a-ha moment for myself too, because even a year ago I would have told you that I absolutely, under no other circumstances, would I even attempt to lose weight without some sort of structured, traditional, weight loss program. There was no way I could lose weight without Weight Watchers. A year later, I’m doing it, I’m losing weight without Weight Watchers (albeit at a much slower pace) and the intense craving for junk food has decreased significantly.

So my dear friend, I think you are now well on your way to figuring out your own eating/food puzzle. I remember telling you that I sort of wished that I had lost weight on Weight Watchers and then figured out my eating issues with a cognitive therapist. But I think I would have run into the same dieting firewall as you. Dieting would be impossible, and like you, I would have gained and lost the same two pounds over and over again.

Eating the same thing day after day

2011-07-26T11:59:00.000-04:00

Do you eat the same things over and over when you are dieting? I do. Whenever I find a diet-appropriate and tasty food combination I tend to eat it again and again and again. I’ve been eating the same food during work hours since I returned from my mat leave in May:

At home: glass of skim milk

On the train to work: peppermint tea

Breakfast: toasted whole wheat English muffin with peanut butter and a dollop of President’s Choice Twice the Fruit Jam.

Morning snacks: apple plus a handful of animal crackers and some chocolate chips

Lunch: roasted turkey and havarti cheese sandwich, coleslaw conservatively dressed with honey Dijon salad dressing, and a bag of veggies

Afternoon snack: another piece of fruit

On the train from work: if hungry and available, a piece of fruit

I know this is enough food to satisfy me, to give me enough energy to walk to and from the Go Train, work all day, perhaps go for a walk at lunchtime and arrive at home to eat dinner with hubby and my kids without becoming completely ravenous.

But yesterday, sabotaging thoughts started to creep back into my head.

For the first time since May, I opened my lunch bag and said to myself, “is this it? I want something different. Go to the food court now!”

I retrieved my therapy notes from my bag and read the following: feeling monotonous in meals can be a sign that the process is not going well.

Uh oh. I’ve been here before. I’m dangerously close to buying and eating junk food and in the worst case scenario, this feeling can turn into a binge.

But it didn’t. I stayed at my desk and ate the apple that I brought from home and thought about how cool, sweet and crispy it tasted. Eventually the craving for something else went away.
Knowing that the monotony of my food choices can lead to overeating helped me to defeat the temptation to buy junk food. And I keep in mind the words of encouragement from my friend Mandy: “Good things usually take a lot of work to achieve. I had no idea of the struggle you have... But having gone through struggle, educating oneself is the key to change.”

I’m learning how to think thin by handling one sabotaging thought at a time.

In addition, I need to change up weekday meals too. Any suggestions?

Intuitive Eating Review - Conclusion

2011-07-20T16:49:00.000-04:00

Ten years ago, my cholesterol level finally hit a threshold that my doctor could refer me to a specialist for help with my eating issues. First stop, a nutritionist. The nutritionist agrees that I need more help than she can offer, so we review a list of clinics, therapists and doctors specializing in eating disorders. Some of the places have year-long waiting lists. I cannot wait this long for help. So I call a therapist that runs a group therapy program in Toronto; we meet and discuss my eating history. This was when I first learned of the intuitive eating movement.

After a few individual sessions, I joined an open-ended psychotherapy group. I hate to admit it, but I don’t remember much about the content or format of the group therapy sessions. I think we kicked off each session discussing how our eating went following the intuitive eating rules. Later on, we talked about our emotions, situations, food and eating; attempting to pin-point the reasons for our individual issues. Sometimes we had an activity; something to bolster your self-image. We closed the session with some sort of feel-good ritual.

Looking back, there were two main problems with group (from my perspective) therapy:

1) Despite being a part of this group for at least six months, I didn’t completely understand the intuitive eating rules, specifically, eat what your body wants. You would think that after participating in a group for this length of time, I would know that your body wants healthy foods, and it’s your mind that wants junk food. I also had trouble determining my specific hunger queues. After six months of weekly sessions, I don’t think it is unreasonable to expect that I would fully understand and capable of executing the intuitive eating rules without a thought.

2) Participation in this group did not bring me any closer to discover the reasons why I was a compulsive and binge eater. I had no answers. I assumed that I was eating for some sort of unresolved traumatic event or relationship. With no answers for my behaviour, I easily slipped out of the intuitive eating mindset shortly after leaving the group.

In cognitive behavior therapy, I discovered that my overeating and binge eating behaviors are reactions to dieting rules, or what I perceive as a dieting rule. So, a big reason why intuitive eating did not work for me is that there are seven rules to follow and rebel against.

Eat only when you are hungry? I’ll eat whenever I want.

Eat what your body wants? Forget about eating healthy, I’ll eat junk food.

Eat without distractions? I’ll eat in front of the TV if I want to.

Eat until satisfied? I’ll eat one or two mouthfuls more than satisfied just because.

Eat with enjoyment? I’m too busy watching TV and chomping down multiple servings of ice cream to enjoy it.

Eat sitting down in a calm environment? Well, I’ll eat my McChicken combo in the car if I want to.

Eat in full view of others? I’ll eat healthy food in front of others, but if I want to pig out, I’ll hide my box of Oreos in my desk.

Again, it’s the all-or-nothing, diet mentality. I had to follow completely or there was no point in trying at all.

Now I know that I overeat and binge to rebel against years/decades of dieting. As a result, I’ve had to alter my ideas on weight loss. I had to come up with my own set of guidelines. And looking back on it, funny enough, I think I may have actually become an intuitive eater by accident.

I eat when I’m hungry (mostly). I now recognize the more subtle signs of hunger (inability to focus, thoughts drift to food) and I am prepared with a healthy snack.

I eat until I’m satisfied. Somehow, through the CBT process, I don’t seem to mentally need food as much anymore. This is a result of telling myself that I can have it if I really want it.

I eat what my body wants (mostly). I’m choosing to eat lots of vegetables and fruit. I look forward to eating healthier meal options. Now that I’ve convinced myself that I can eat anything that I want, it took the magic away from “bad” fat and sugary foods. If I have a “bad” food every once in a while, I don’t worry about it and move on.

As for the other rules (eat with enjoyment, eat sitting down in a calm environment, eat without distraction and eat in full view of others) I would say that I now do those things naturally. I enjoy my food more now since I’m no longer in a frenzy to get to the next mouthful. I will eat a baggie of goldfish in the car, but the need for binge eating has decreased dramatically, so I no longer feel the need to binge in the car. Now that I have children, we seldom have the TV on at mealtimes, but I also don’t worry about it if I have a snack while watching the Bachelorette. It’s relaxing, I enjoy my snack; but it’s not mindless either. And lastly, now that the need for bingeing has decreased, I don’t feel the need to eat in secrecy.

So, there you have it. I did not fully understand all the rules and the group therapy did not help me get any answers as to why I overate and binged on food.

Disclaimer: I should tell you that I no longer have my copies of Geneen Roth’s earlier books on intuitive eating, Why Weight? A guide to Ending Compulsive Eating and Breaking Free from Emotional Eating and I have not read her popular, Oprah-endorsed book, Women Food and God. I haven’t picked up new copies to recall the finer points of each rule. My analysis is based strictly on my memory from 2001/2001 when I participated in an intuitive eating support group in an attempt to resolve my eating issues. In this particular group, we followed Geneen Roth’s seven guidelines for intuitive eating.

Quick Links
Rule 1: Eat when you are hungry
Rule 2: Eat sitting down in a calm environment
Rule 3: Eat what your body wants
Rule 4: Eat in until you are satisfied
Rule 5: Eat in full view of others
Rule 6 & 7: Eat with enjoyment, gusto and pleasure; eat without distractions

Can I learn to think like a thin person blog on facebook

2011-07-18T14:38:00.000-04:00

Let's connect on facebook!

I've created a facebook page for my blog. I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to use this page, but I thought it would be a great place to chat, share thoughts, ask questions etc. I'll microblog about specific food choices and eating behaviours.

Please search for "Can I learn to think like a thin person blog" and "like" this page. Help me get a username; I need 25 likes!

Intuitive Eating Review - Eat with enjoyment but without distractions

2011-07-14T12:03:00.000-04:00

Rule 6: Eat with enjoyment, gusto and pleasure & Rule 7: Eat without distractions

It’s lunchtime. I’m working on a big project at work. We’re implementing a new online loan application. My day is spent testing, reporting, responding to emails and figuring out how each element should work. The days are long due to the time crunch; there is a hard deadline with lots to do. There is no time to think of anything else.

I power through lunch at my desk. Apparently I’ve eaten a container of pasta, a baggie of baby carrots with hummus and a handful of animal crackers. I should be satisfied. I shouldn’t be hungry, but I am. Oh well, I guess I didn’t bring enough food today, better go down stairs to get something to fill me up. I should buy some fruit. I don’t; I buy three cookies from Timmies. Hopefully three cookies will be enough to satisfy me...

I'm discussing rule 6 (eat with enjoyment, gusto and pleasure) & 7 (eat without distractions) together as they go hand-in-hand to help you to become a mindful, conscious eater.

How many people can say that they truly enjoy every morsel of food they put in their mouth? I can consume so many calories without a thought. I’ve eaten multiple handfuls of Oreos, bags of Reese’ Peanut Butter cup miniatures, large bags of movie popcorn, my lunch, my breakfast and dinner without really thinking about it; enjoy eating it; or savoring it; or even tasting it.

My pleasure of food seems to come only when taking in large quantities. It’s like there is a strong need to get to the next piece of food as quickly as possible. I’m getting better, taking my time, slowing down and enjoying the taste of food. And you know what happens when I slow down and actually taste food? I eat less.

Eating without distraction means no radio, television, newspapers, books, intense or anxiety-producing conversations or music, and although it’s not listed, I would assume this also means no internet. For most people, I think the biggest distraction while eating is television. I’ve eaten countless meals in front of the television, both as a single gal, and a married gal. Before we got married, hubbie and I decided to eat dinner at the table. Now that we have children, we eat all meals at the table. On the other hand, with snacks, I’m not quite as consistent. Especially at night; I’m always watching TV if I have an after-dinner snack.

I’d say that for the most part, I eat without distractions. I do need to work on eating with enjoyment, gusto and pleasure, which is easier to follow when I’m less distracted. But, it is just another rule to follow and worry about when eating. It should be simple to follow, but mindless eating (as opposed to mindful) is a hard habit to break. And sometimes it is just hard to eat with gusto while munching on celery sticks and zucchini spears.

Disclaimer: I should tell you that I no longer have my copies of Geneen Roth’s earlier books on intuitive eating, Why Weight? A guide to Ending Compulsive Eating and Breaking Free from Emotional Eating and I have not read her popular, Oprah-endorsed book, Women Food and God. I haven’t picked up new copies to recall the finer points of each rule. My analysis is based strictly on my memory from 2001/2001 when I participated in an intuitive eating support group in an attempt to resolve my eating issues. In this particular group, we followed Geneen Roth’s seven guidelines for intuitive eating.

Quick Links

Rule 1: Eat when you are hungry
Rule 2: Eat sitting down in a calm environment
Rule 3: Eat what your body wants
Rule 4: Eat in until you are satisfied
Rule 5: Eat in full view of others

Next posting - conclusion on why intuitive eating did not work for me!

What's the big deal with the Yoplait yogurt TV ad?

2011-07-12T14:52:00.000-04:00

A thin woman looks longingly at a large raspberry cheesecake in the refrigerator. The woman attempts to decide whether or not to eat a slice of the cheesecake:

“Oh cheesecake! What if I had just a small slice, I was good today. I deserve it!

Or I could have a medium slice and some celery sticks and they will cancel each other out. Right?

Or… Ok I could have one large slice and jog in place as I eat it.

Or…Ok. How about one large slice while jogging in place followed by eight celery slices?”

The thin woman is joined by a thinner woman who says she’s been thinking about raspberry cheesecake all day and grabs a cheesecake-flavored Yoplait yogurt. The first thin woman comments to the other thin woman that she has lost weight and also grabs a Yoplait yogurt.

Recently, NEDA (National Eating Disorder Association) in the United States managed to get this ad for Yoplait yogurt pulled from the air. From some of the comments regarding this article, many people do not understand the problem with the Yoplait’s television ad.

So what is the big deal? What is wrong with this ad?

There are two issues that I have with this commercial:

1) What message does it send when Yoplait picked these thin actresses to represent their target market? Both women are thin and both these thin women were hired to play the role of women still wanting/needing to lose weight. When is thin thin enough? The media continually reinforce the idea that you can never be thin enough.

2) The first woman is trying to figure out how she can somehow eat less, eat differently and/or exercise so she can have a slice of cheesecake. Although this behavior is common, it is not normal. I frequently negotiated with myself to eat desserts (including cheesecake), movie popcorn and even an extra serving of arrowroot cookies. And showcasing this language, this behavior in a television ad only reinforces the belief that this is normal.

The second point is the reason why NEDA asked for this ad to be pulled. From NEDA’s press release: “The language in this advertising campaign was seriously problematic for those affected by eating disorders and anyone who may have a predisposition towards developing one.”

You may do this food bartering now. I think it’s safe to say that this is common practice in the dieting world (common enough for an advertising agency to develop a 30-second TV spot). Until cognitive therapy, I thought this rationalization was a normal dieting strategy. But it is not healthy or helpful in weight loss. It is just another symptom of the psychological damage of serial dieting.

A raspberry cheesecake would not cause such an obsession and turmoil in a normal eater. A normal eater would decide to have a slice or not and quickly forget about it. For others who are not normal eaters this internal debate shows the stress, anxiety and obsession that restricting oneself to eating only “good” foods, no eating an "bad" foods and eating in limited portions. And as I’ve said previously, anxiety makes you hungry, eating relieves the anxiety but perpetuates the gain/loss, anxiety/hunger cycle.

This is not to say that every person following a diet will end up with an eating disorder or has an eating disorder. Many people can forgo a slice of cheesecake and not give it another thought. Obviously, to lose weight, one will need consume fewer calories than the body burns. Eating the raspberry cheesecake flavored yogurt instead of the real thing may be a suitable compromise.

Before therapy, if I said no to the cheesecake, I would obsess about the deprivation for days. This obsession would trigger a binge; eating everything available to make up for the cheesecake. Now, I make a decision to either eat a slice or not. If I eat a slice, I’ll ensure that enjoy and savor the flavor and creamy texture. If I decide to skip the cheesecake since I'm trying to lose weight, I say no thanks and forget about it.

Sarah, thank you for bringing my attention to this story and for commenting on my SYTYCD/Gatorade post; I sent an email to NEDA and I will post when I get a response.

So what was the damage from my french fry and baked goods filled Newfoundland vacation? Shockingly I lost a quarter pound.

Next post, I will continue my review of intuitive eating...

What's the damage?

2011-07-11T15:56:00.000-04:00

Tonight is the night I find out what the damage is (or isn't) from my trip to Newfoundland. I am prepared to roll with it, not let the scale stress me out.

Before I continue on with (a) the final posts of my intuitive eating review and (b) documenting what I learned through cognitive therapy, I'm working on a post regarding Yoplait's TV spot that was pulled from the air. I was hoping to finish it today, but alas... no.

So have a good night all!

Grease, fat and sugar oh my!

2011-07-07T16:17:00.000-04:00

I’m home from the beautiful province of Newfoundland and Labrador. For the next week, I’ll be going through grease, fat and sugar withdrawal. I’ve been on a week long, quasi-socially accepted, food industry endorsed bender, with moments of food sobriety.

My goal for my week away was to eat healthy as possible, but also enjoy traditional newfie foods too. I started off with the best intentions. We drove 30 minutes out of our way to reach a bigger grocery store in Cornerbrook. We picked up healthy breakfast foods, snacks, vegetables and fruit. I stocked up on peppermint tea and packed my stainless steel water bottle for day trips.

With the exception of two days, breakfast was always healthy, peppermint tea, whole-wheat English muffin with peanut butter and jam (home made by MIL), plus apple and orange slices. The rest of the day kind of fell apart after that.

It started at the airport; the irresistible urge to order French fries. We had heaps of time before our flight and decided to eat Fionn Macool’s pub food. I should have realized that this was one of my last opportunities to eat a vegetable. Instead my mind focused on three words: sweet potato fries. After that, the fries kept coming.

Of the 24 meals (breakfast, lunch and dinner) of our vacation:

- 48% of my meals included some form of potato (French fried, mashed, boiled, baked)

- 25% of my meals included French fries (on a positive note, one third of those servings were shared)

- 38% of my meals included either fish or seafood

- 10% of my meals were at the Sally’s cove chip truck (clamstrips and French fries - yummy)

- 21% of my meals included vegetables (however, 60% of those servings were starchy vegetables)

- 25% of my meals included desserts (including chocolate cake, blueberry grunt, a tasty concoction called flaky, blueberry pie and rice pudding)

- 4% (one meal) was steamed lobster and garlic butter cooked by my fabulous hubby who will cook lobster and crab, but won’t eat lobster or crab

My original plan also included packing my own healthy snacks for daytrips. I managed to accomplish this for my boys, but for the adults, not so much. Snacks have always been my downfall, and this trip was no exception. Snacks included: delicious field cookies, coconut/chocolate squares, blueberry muffins, coconut cookies, timbits, soft serve ice cream, cream puff pastry and funny enough Lay’s fries n’gravy potato chips.

So what happened? Vacation happened. Through therapy I’ve learned that one of the reasons I binge is when I feel like I’m limiting myself in some sort of way. The chip truck is literally a treat that I have once every few years. I’ve only found the field cookies in Woody Point. The rest? I can only chalk up to the fact that I was on vacation. It was a finite amount of time and now it’s over.

I would have gladly eaten more vegetables, but the fact is that most of Newfoundland’s vegetables are shipped in. Newfoundland is also known as “The Rock” meaning that there isn’t a lot of soil for growing veggies, so the available vegetables just aren’t as appetizing. On the other hand, I was happy that most mornings I sliced up oranges and apples to eat. I can tell you that I really haven’t done that on a vacation before.

So, the grease, fat and sugar detox begins. At least it will be a little bit easier since I’ve had so many French fries in the last week, that I have no interest in ingesting a deep fried potato for a long time.

Oh yes - completely unrelated, but I saw a massive iceberg (approximately 500 ft in length, 80 ft in height) off the coast of St. Anthony in the northern tip of Newfoundland... Pretty cool!

Vacation Notification!

2011-06-28T22:17:00.000-04:00

My family and I are on our way to Newfoundland. I'm unsure how everything is going to pan out with food. I've decided to eat as healthy as possible but also enjoy some of my favorite Newfie food such as:

Toutons - sort of like a pancake; fried bread dough

Fish and Brewis - "fish" in Newfoundland is cod and brewis is hardtack bread

Fish Tongue and Scrunchions - kids may have trouble distinguishing a cod tongue from chicken nuggets. Scrunchions are served with fish, very tasty, very bad for you; fried pork fat.

Sally's Cove chip truck for deep fried clam strips and fries - I'm looking forward to this meal the most. The truck was closed for the season during our last visit, so its been five years since I've eaten clam strips! They also serve the best fish and chips, deep fried scallops and shrimp. No picture of the actual truck or food, but someone made a comment about the chip truck I'm referring to.

Jiggs Dinner - not my favorite meal, but it is traditional.

Wild Berries - namely raspberry, blueberry, partridgeberry and bakeapple - pies, jams, squares; yummy.

Lobster – it's the first time we’ll be there during lobster season...

Hopefully with lots of walking, the damage won't be too bad...

See you next week!

Intuitive Eating Review - Eat in full view of others

2011-06-27T12:39:00.000-04:00

Rule 5: eat in full view of others

The complete rule is eat (with the intention of being) in full view of others. This doesn’t mean that you require an audience to eat, it just means that if you decide to eat chocolate for breakfast, you won’t hide said choice if your husband/mother/child walks in the room.

When I was participating in the intuitive eating group therapy sessions in 2001/2001, I was living at my parent’s house after graduating from school. One morning I decided that my body really needed to eat chocolate eggs for breakfast. So armed with the intention of eating with full view of others, I ate a handful of the Easter treats in front of my Mom and Dad. I can tell you that my Mom was not impressed by what I was learning in group therapy; I can still picture the WTF look on her face.

After I left the intuitive eating group, I made an effort to follow the spirit of this rule. I was more successful at home than at work. My hubby was understanding; I knew that he would not say anything to add to the guilt and shame I already felt after eating a bag of Oreos in a day. Work was a different story. Routinely, I ate a package of chocolate wafers, or a bag of Oreos or Reese peanut butter cups on the sly. There was no way I was willing to come out of the food cupboard to announce, hey – I’m bingeing, look at all the crap I can consume in an hour.

I’ve been on the receiving end of some embarrassing comments throughout the years and there was no way I was going to open myself up to more. A university friend gave me a loaf of her Mom’s Italian Easter bread (sweet, braided with an egg in it) and went on and on about how I ate it in two days, “OMG I can’t believe you ate all of it already!!!”

Of course, if I had been eating the healthy food that my body wanted, eating only when hungry and until I was satisfied, I would naturally have no problem with the eat in full view of others. Nonetheless, I was proud of the fact that I was able to be myself at home, which helped alleviate the tension and anxiety with food. I believe that hubby’s support and openness made me feel comfortable to seek the help of a cognitive therapist.

Disclaimer: I should tell you that I no longer have my copies of Geneen Roth’s earlier books on intuitive eating, Why Weight? A guide to Ending Compulsive Eating and Breaking Free from Emotional Eating and I have not read her popular, Oprah-endorsed book, Women Food and God. I haven’t picked up new copies to recall the finer points of each rule. My analysis is based strictly on my memory from 2001/2001 when I participated in an intuitive eating support group in an attempt to resolve my eating issues. In this particular group, we followed Geneen Roth’s seven guidelines for intuitive eating.

Quick Links

Rule 1: Eat when you are hungry
Rule 2: Eat sitting down in a calm environment
Rule 3: Eat what your body wants
Rule 4: Eat in until you are satisfied

Note: tomorrow I’m off to the Rock to visit my MIL and FIL. They live in a scenic town called Norris Point, which is located in Gros Morne National Park in Newfoundland and Labrador. I’ll also be visiting L’Anse aux Meadows where the Vikings first landed in North America. Therefore, the intuitive eating review will continue on when I am back from my vacation.

Check back here for Newfoundland temptations, traditional Newfie foods prepared on the island. And let me tell you, fresh vegetables are scarce in this land of salt water, salt fish, tuckamore and rock.

Annoyed by Gatorade's Infomercial on SYTYCD

2011-06-24T15:22:00.000-04:00

Excuse the interruption, but was anyone else completely annoyed by Gatorade’s infomercial on last night’s episode of So You Think You Can Dance?

If you don’t watch SYTYCD, or you missed last night’s episode, Heidi Skolnik, a nutritionist from Gatorade stopped by the dancers’ apartments and swept through their kitchens like a tornado, passing judgment on their food choices with a patronizing attitude.

To the boys: “one sleeve of snack crackers has about 570 calories,” and to the girls: “did you know when you eat a sleeve of these snack crackers you can could have actually had two ice cream sundaes?” “Who is claiming this?” she says holding a box of ice cream and all the girls point towards the offending owner (can’t really tell if that is Melanie or Sasha). “Pizza with meatballs?” she questions the boys.

Heidi is representing Gatorade, so she presents the line of Gatorade G-series fit thirst quencher drinks, protein shakes and energy bite bars for before, during and after training or performing. The dancers rush to claim the Gatorade swag. The cameras capturing their approval after sampling the thirst quencher and energy bite bars.

The package ends with the contestants throwing away the condemned food. The girls gathered around the garbage bin and Ashley sadly remarking, “I need a hug.”

I wasn’t annoyed by the product placement (although hopefully it won’t escalate to the point where the choreographers incorporate Gatorade-drinking and energy-bite eating into the routines) or the G Series Fit lecture (hydration, electrolyte replacement and carb loading; all very important for athletes) and gift bag (hey – they are sponsors of the show).

I was annoyed by Heidi’s disapproving no-bad-foods-for-you, all-or-nothing attitude; planting the seeds of diet mentality paranoia to the dancers surely training (burning off the 570 calorie snack crackers and a meatball pizza in no time) and / or performing most of the day.

What happens when you are told you can’t eat something? You want the forbidden food even more. I felt as if I was watching the girls taking their first steps towards an eating disorder.

This hit close to home for me, since I have anxiety associated with “bad” food and dieting and the roots of an eating disorder began when I was an elite athlete in competitive synchronized swimming.

I can only hope that the finger-wagging from Cat, the junk food inquisition along with a teary farewell around the garbage bin was put on for dramatic effect. That, in reality, Heidi emphasized the importance of choosing healthy foods as much as possible, offer healthy options for those with a taste for junk and remind them that they can have a bowl of ice cream if they really want it.

And for good measure, perhaps next year Gatorade can throw in a sports psychologist too.

Intuitive Eating Review - Eat until you are satisfied

2011-06-23T16:49:00.000-04:00

Rule 4: Eat until you are satisfied

I’ve done it; many times. And not just at Christmas. Perhaps you have too.

I’m full. But there is more food on my plate. Hubby's roasted potatoes taste so good. I’m no longer hungry, but I just want more of hubby’s perfectly-seasoned roasted potato taste. I finish everything on my plate. Sometimes that includes food that I don’t really like but I eat out of obligation (children starving / wasting food is bad / wanting to be polite). It’s Friday; ice cream night. I’m way too full, but I want ice cream. I can’t say no. I don’t want to say no. MMMmmm ice cream. Oh no, I feel sick. I ate way too much.

Intuitive eating is saying no to a traditional, structured diet. Eat until you are satisfied is a guideline to help you know when to stop eating without calorie-counting or points-tracking. Again, you use the hunger scale to tell you when to stop eating. More specifically, you stop eating when you are comfortable and satisfied. So, if there is food left on your plate, leave it (and don’t feel bad about it).

I found it much easier to figure out when to stop eating than to start eating. However, it’s still a tough one to follow. My mind begging for junk is louder than the subtle whisper of my body hoping for healthy food. How do I say no when my mind takes over? Will I trust myself to stop when I'm comfortable and satisfied?

Sometimes. Of course, if I follow all the rules (especially eat when you are hungry and eat what your body wants) stop eating when satisfied is an easier choice to make. Of course, if I wait too long to eat; choose food to satisfy my mind over body and eat granola, ice cream and mini-cupcakes, it is difficult to stop, no matter what my body is trying to tell me.

Most of the time, it's an easy rule to follow. But, when I wasn't following the other rules I felt helpless against episodes of overeating or all-out binges. Simply following a rule and tell myself to stop eating when satisfied was not enough. I needed to follow all the rules. This is another reason why intuitive eating did not work for me.

Disclaimer: I should tell you that I no longer have my copies of Geneen Roth’s earlier books on intuitive eating, Why Weight? A guide to Ending Compulsive Eating and Breaking Free from Emotional Eating and I have not read her popular, Oprah-endorsed book, Women Food and God. I haven’t picked up new copies to recall the finer points of each rule. My analysis is based strictly on my memory from 2001/2001 when I participated in an intuitive eating support group in an attempt to resolve my eating issues. In this particular group, we followed Geneen Roth’s seven guidelines for intuitive eating.

Quick Links
Rule 1: Eat when you are hungry
Rule 2: Eat sitting down in a calm environment
Rule 3: Eat what your body wants

Next posting Rule 5 - eat in full view of others

Intuitive Eating Review - Eat what your body wants

2011-06-22T13:41:00.000-04:00

Rule 3: Eat what your body wants

In my opinion, eat what your body wants is the heart of intuitive eating. No food is off limits, no food is forbidden, no food is bad. The idea is that if you listen to your body and your body will tell you what it needs to eat. However, your body doesn’t want junk food; it wants healthy food to work properly, efficiently and to provide energy.

Again, Geneen explains it best when answering a question from Janet:

As you are discovering, your mind likes chocolate! But that doesn't mean eating chocolate when you are hungry feels good in your body. And there's the real distinction: Your mind will go on and on all day long about what delicious, fabulous-tasting thing it would like next, but your body wants to feel good. Your body wants to have energy. Your body wants to feel awake and alive and able to do what it needs to do to provide you with what you need to do what you love. So, next time your mind says, "Gimme pasta and chocolate," say, "Uh-huh, I hear you, mind. I hear that if it weren't for this teeny thing called a body, we could eat chocolate all day long. So, thanks for sharing. Now I am going to ask my body what it wants." And then, Janet, ask your body what would give it the most energy. Ask your body what would feel good in it. Not what would be the most exciting thing to eat. Not what would thrill you, but what would sustain you, awaken you, make you feel satisfied and well-nourished. See what happens.

I’m Janet. Ok, I’m not Janet, but I’m like Janet. After waiting for hunger signals and body queues, I told myself I required chocolate for lunch, even for breakfast. Sometimes it came to me very clearly, like an out-of-the-blue overwhelming need for a glass of milk. But, most times, I kept waiting for an answer, but nothing came.

The other purpose of this rule is to address deprivation. If your body is telling you to eat something (even if it is unhealthy) just have it. The dieting mentality tells you that chocolate milk is bad for you; drink skim milk instead. So, you drink skim milk. But you still want chocolate milk. So you eat a chocolate chip cookie. Hmmm, this tastes good. You eat another few chocolate chip cookies. You know what goes well with chocolate chip cookies? Chocolate milk. You finally drink the chocolate milk. You can see why you would have been better off drinking the chocolate milk in the first place.

My problem with rule 3, is the same issue with rule 1; it’s difficult to know what your body wants and make it practical for everyday use. Christie Inge, HHC, an intuitive eating counselor, suggested to eat every three to four hours to recognize the hunger signals (in reference to my post on eat only when you are hungry), and perhaps the same logic can be applied to eat what your body wants. Your body wants healthy foods, so eat healthy foods as much as possible and perhaps then, you will be able to hear what your body wants.

When I started down the intuitive eating road, I was overcome with intense cravings for bad foods and equally overcome with feelings of guilt for eating them. I deprived myself of bad foods to avoid the guilt and shame. Perhaps it was because of that state-of-mind that the idea of not depriving myself spoke to me more clearly. Thankfully, intuitive eating alleviated my paranoia, depression and guilt about eating “bad” foods. However, this also was a turning point. I went from having an eating problem to having an eating and weight problem.

From cognitive therapy, I have learned that depriving myself of bad foods causes anxiety and anxiety causes hunger. But unlike rule 3; if my body tells me it needs chocolate, I actually have a choice. I can eat the chocolate, or I can decide to sit with the anxiety and let it pass.

Failing to eat what my body wants was one of the reasons why intuitive eating did not work for me. I focused on not depriving myself more than eating the healthy foods that my body wants. I needed to do both.

Comments
Thank you Karen, Rae Rae J and Christie Inge, HHC for your comments!

Christie: good point, I recall eating on a schedule at first to help with the hunger queues. Recently my cognitive therapist advised me to eat every three hours, which has allowed me to notice the more subtle hunger queues.
Karen: perhaps you could consider eating every three to four hours? Have you looked into how anxiety may play a role in your eating patterns?
Rae Rae J: if you aren’t wearing a watch, do you all of a sudden know when it is time to eat? Like me, you may notice the subtle signs of hunger now.

Disclaimer: I should tell you that I no longer have my copies of Geneen Roth’s earlier books on intuitive eating, Why Weight? A guide to Ending Compulsive Eating and Breaking Free from Emotional Eating and I have not read her popular, Oprah-endorsed book, Women Food and God. I haven’t picked up new copies to recall the finer points of each rule. My analysis is based strictly on my memory from 2001/2001 when I participated in an intuitive eating support group in an attempt to resolve my eating issues. In this particular group, we followed Geneen Roth’s seven guidelines for intuitive eating.

Quick Links
Rule 1: Eat when you are hungry
Rule 2: Eat sitting down in a calm environment

Tomorrow Rule 4 - eat until you are satisfied

Intuitive Eating Review – Eat sitting down in a calm environment

2011-06-21T16:14:00.000-04:00

Disclaimer: I should tell you that I no longer have my copies of Geneen Roth’s earlier books on intuitive eating, Why Weight? A guide to Ending Compulsive Eating and Breaking Free from Emotional Eating and I have not read her popular, Oprah-endorsed book, Women Food and God. I haven’t picked up new copies to recall the finer points of each rule. My analysis is based strictly on my memory. Having said that, I’m now moving on to Rule 2: eat sitting down in a calm environment.

Rule 2: Eat sitting down in a calm environment

When eating, make sure you are sitting down. If you are eating (even if it is a box of Oreos) in front of the fridge or the pantry, make sure you are sitting down. And even though you are sitting down, the car does not count. Eating in the car is not allowed.

The purpose of this rule is to become a mindful eater. Geneen explains it best on her website when she explains what the title of the book When You Eat at the Refrigerator, Pull up a Chair.

Most of the people with whom I work "graze" at the refrigerator while standing up. They pretend they are not really eating, they just happened to pass by the fridge on their way to the phone and thought they'd check if the contents have changed since the last time they looked.

My message is: If you are going to do something, bring all your attention to it and enjoy it for all it's worth! Pleasure is good! Stop sneaking around. You wouldn't think of inviting a friend over for dinner and standing with her in front of the refrigerator picking out of Tupperware containers with your fingers--there is no reason to treat yourself that way either. Also, people eat MUCH less when they allow themselves to focus on, taste and enjoy their food

I’m not a refrigerator grazer, but I do graze the pantry: a handful of chocolate chips, animal crackers, Cracklin’ Oat Bran (when it’s around, they don’t sell it in Canada) and on occasion, I’ve even made a batch of graham cracker crust to munch on with a spoon and bowl.

Eating in the car is another story. I’ve had many binges and episodes of overeating in the car. It’s private, you have access to any food you want with minimal contact with your supplier (fast food restaurant, corner store, grocery store) and you can easily dispose of any evidence.

This was an easy enough rule to follow. I believe this rule can help anyone become a more mindful eater. However, once I left the intuitive eating support group, I no longer cared if I was standing up, sitting down or driving my car. Car eating and pantry surfing started again.

Following this rule on its own isn't going to make you an intuitive eater and not following it isn't going to break you from becoming an intuitive eater. Following (or not following) did not contribute to why intuitive eating did not work for me.

Quick link to Rule 1 - eat only when you are hungry

Tomorrow Rule 3 - eat what your body wants

Intuitive Eating Review - eat when you are hungry

2011-06-20T15:56:00.000-04:00

With the increasing popularity of intuitive eating, I thought I’d take a closer look as to why this approach to weight management was not the answer for me. From my last post, I wrote about participating in an intuitive eating support group. I started at the end of the summer 2001, and left the group in spring 2002.

When I left the intuitive eating group therapy, deep down, I knew that my eating issues remained unresolved. I suppose I thought I had the answer and the tools I needed; I just needed the strength to follow through on the seven rules.

Until now, I never really thought about why intuitive eating did not work for me. Throughout the next several posts, I’m going to examine the seven rules of intuitive eating (according to Geneen Roth) to determine why intuitive eating did not work for me.

Rule 1: Eat when you are hungry

Intuitive eating uses a hunger scale to help you figure out when to eat and when to stop eating. (Here are a couple of links regarding hunger scales for more info: Recognizing Hunger Signals, A New Hunger Scale.)

When I was a practicing intuitive eater, I believed I always needed to wait for the hunger pangs. But from the bagel experience described in my last post, sometimes those pangs would take hours and hours to come, causing stress and anxiety. If it takes more than three hours for hunger pangs to come, I’m marching into binge potential zone. I now realize that I need to be in tune to other signs of hunger such as losing focus, diminishing patience and a growing need to eat.

Two weeks ago, I found I was hungrier during the day at work. I planned the same meals as the week before, but it didn’t seem to be enough. So, I experimented with my hunger. Was I actually hungry or was it anxiety?

The hunger came in the afternoon after lunch. I had eaten enough food to be satisfied, so I decided to sit with the hunger a bit. Surprisingly, the hunger didn’t grow; it just stayed the same, a constant rumble in my tummy. Eventually, it just went away. It was anxiety, not hunger after all. If I were hungry, it would have escalated until I was a raving lunatic on the hunt for chocolate and mini-cupcakes.

It's difficult to determine when to eat. Of course, it’s simple for some, just like breathing. But, for others, like me, hunger isn’t just hunger. Hunger can also be anxiety masquerading as hunger. And this is why rule 1: eat when you are hungry was difficult for me. I was unable to figure out when I was hungry enough to eat, but not so hungry that I would overeat.

Tomorrow the review continues with Rule 2: eat sitting down in a calm environment

Eat every three hours

2011-06-17T15:14:00.000-04:00

I mentioned in an earlier post that in 2001, I attempted to resolve the psychological reasons for my binge eating. I participated in a support group that followed Geneen Roth’s seven guidelines for intuitive eating: eat when you are hungry, eat sitting down in a calm environment, eat what your body wants, eat until you are satisfied, eat in full view of others, eat with enjoyment and eat without distractions.

At the time, I worked out at the gym before going to work and decided to buy a sesame bagel with peanut butter at the Bagel Stop for breakfast. The bagel was big, not massive, but a good size bagel. (Let me tell you, bagels are not a great choice to practice intuitive eating.) I waited, and waited and waited for hunger. I wanted a break from work the tension from not eating was becoming intolerable.

Finally, the hunger came at 2 pm. But, hold on; I can’t eat yet. I have to wait for my body queues to tell me what to eat. No food, no break in six hours. No wonder I convinced myself that my body wanted chocolate for lunch.

In 2010, my therapist observed: “I noticed that you overeat if you don’t eat for long periods of time.”

We reviewed my food journal and sure enough, a pattern became clear. Not eating for an extended period of time would trigger a binge. Typically, this occurred while running errands with the kids. Since it takes so much time to get a baby and a toddler in the car, I would leave the house shortly before lunch time.

As time passed, my hunger and anxiety level would grow. My son asks, “Mommy, can we buy mini-cupcakes?”

Hubby and my son were lucky to eat three or four; I would eat the rest by the morning.

To overcome this, she advised me to eat every three hours. It works well. When I’m at the office, I know when it’s approaching ten o’clock; the need for food rises. But I don’t get alarmed now. I know that I’m approaching the three hour mark and I need to eat my snack. After that, I’m fine until lunch.

Now that I think about it, this is another no diet dieting rule. Please click here for the updated rules..

In regard to intuitive eating, obviously eating a bagel for breakfast was a bad choice. Not eating for six hours caused stress and anxiety that I can still remember ten years later.

How do I lose weight & eat what ever I want?

2011-06-15T13:54:00.000-04:00

Eat whatever you want. Eat whatever I want. Eat whatever I want?

How on earth will I ever take off this weight? I’ll always want to eat three bowls of granola for breakfast.

Then something happened in November. Instead of choosing granola for breakfast, I decided to have a bowl of Wheetabix. Wow - didn’t see that coming. Once I let go of what I could eat and couldn’t eat, the cravings for unhealthy foods declined.

“I’m ready to choose healthier foods,” I said to my therapist in January after two months of feeling liberated from the cravings, the confusion, and the struggle. “Great!” she answered enthusiastically. She must have known that I would eventually come to this conclusion.

I was surprised by her reply. I thought that in order to keep cravings and food obsession to a minimum that I would need to eat all the junk food in binge quantities that I desired. This, of course, would mean that I would always be overweight.

When I asked her how I actually lose weight, she said that many of her clients lose weight naturally since they eat smaller quantities and choose better foods. So from January until May, I started making healthier choices. But, from my clothes (and later confirmed when I actually weighed myself in March) I could tell that my weight was fluctuating, but not really go down (or up).

It took me eight months of thinking to figure it out.

Before therapy, I believed that in order to lose weight, I must be on a structured diet with strict rules and guidelines. I must count every calorie or point, meticulously plan every spoonful of food that went into my mouth and write everything down in order to control my eating. But I knew that this approach didn’t work (weight loss was never permanent) and is a big reason why food and weight is such an issue for me now.

I need to diet without a diet.

However, it’s not a diet. It’s a concept, a philosophy: eat healthy and if possible in smaller quantities. Vague, I know. Like something a doctor or a well-intended friend would say. It may not be a quick way to lose weight, but I think this is the only way to stay sane. And with 110 pounds to lose, I have to be in it for the long run.

MB, a like-minded blogger posted on her blog this morning her reasons for joining an online Slimmer this Summer challenge. One of the coordinating bloggers was curious as to why MB (as a no rule dieter) would choose to join a weight loss challenge with a set of rules. Her response sums up how I’m feeling right now about a structured diet.

After a few weeks of actively attempting to lose weight and reading MB’s posting, I realize that there are some rules that I’m following:

- No food journaling

- Flexible meal planning is helpful; meticulous meal planning is not

- Drink water as much as possible

- No food is considered off-limits, no quantity is too much

- Eat three balanced meals a day with reasonable portion sizes

- Eat three healthy snacks in between meals

- Eat every three hours

- Indulge in the occasional unhealthier food choice

- Choose the healthier food option as much as possible

- Choose smaller portions when possible

- Tackle cravings using the distract and delay technique

- Sign up for, train and complete 5K run

- Blog as much as possible

In any case, with or without Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig, you have to do what works for you.

Distract and delay: easier said than done

2011-06-14T12:19:00.000-04:00

I was aware of the six fresh, bakery-baked cookies resting on the kitchen counter all weekend. Slowly, the number of them decreased. A treat for my son; hubby ate one or two.

I knew the cookies were there, because I bought them. It’s like the automatic pilot was on and I couldn’t stop. I read the sign for the cookies; buying a half dozen is cheaper, so instead of getting one or two, I bought six.

I tell myself: I can have one (or all for that matter) if I really want one. But I will feel better and look better if I chose to not eat anything or eat something healthy. I’m not going to dwell on the fact that I am not going to eat these cookies.

Easier said than done.

My anxiety level rises. I can’t seem to shake the focus on the cookies. So I decide to take a new approach.

I tell myself: I can have one (or all for that matter) if I really want one. But, I have to wait until I drink my chamomile tea.

Interesting: once I finished my tea, the need to eat the cookies waned. All weekend, when the need to eat a cookie rose to an unbearable level, I would find more tasks (do dishes, put kids in bed, eat lunch) to delay eating those cookies.

Delay and distract is not a new weight loss strategy to me, but somehow knowing that I am feeling anxiety and not hunger made this approach is easier to apply. Previously I would think to myself: what is the point of delaying something I’m going to do anyway? Now I know that: the need to eat may go away and whatever I eat will taste better if I wait.

So, of the six cookies, I ate one and a half. A quarter of the cookie on Sunday afternoon and the remaining one and a quarter cookies on Monday night; after the kids went to bed and I enjoyed my chamomile tea.

1 week / -4.5 / -8.0

The problem with bad foods

2011-06-10T12:43:00.000-04:00

Eat normally, snack horribly.

For years I’ve known that I eat proper meals (balanced meal of protein, bread and vegetables), but I snack horribly. After reviewing a weeks’ worth of my eating patterns, my therapist agreed that I ate well balanced, normal meals, three times a day (thanks Mom for implanting this into my DNA). However, I also experienced both objective and subjective eating.

In basic terms, objective eating is eating a large quantity of food (example: eating a box of granola) and subjective eating is when you perceive yourself as eating a large quantity of food (example: eating two bowls of granola). Both types of eating are accompanied by feelings of loss of control.

I know I’m not the only one with a list of good and bad foods. The problem with labelling food as "bad" is that is human nature to want the something you can’t have. So a perfectly natural reaction to a bad food is to want it even more, developing wicked cravings. Over the years, cravings for bad food increased and my ability to resist those temptations decreased.

I couldn’t win: resist bad foods and I’d crave it more. Giving in to bad foods and I’d have feelings of guilt and shame: guilt for eating a bad food and shame that I was not strong enough, or in control enough to resist. No matter what I was doing, resisting or giving in to a bad food, my anxiety level increased. Anxiety makes you hungry; making it even more difficult to resist and perpetuating an endless cycle.

Limiting myself to a small portion perpetuates the same problem (say no to more, you want more even more). Wanting more but denying more increased cravings resulting in more anxiety and hunger.

I now tell myself:

I can eat it if I really want to.
I can have/buy/make more if I really need it.

Over time, knowing this and practicing this helped to decrease my obsession and cravings. Looking back, I estimate that this process took approximately three months, six therapy sessions and countless assurances from my therapist that eating bad foods or any foods in certain quantities of food was not as bad as I thought (such as a eating a whole box of Kraft Dinner)for my cravings to decrease.

In practice, if I decided that I really needed more (let’s say another bowl of granola), I would try to delay or distract myself with some other type of activity before consuming another bowl of granola.

Eat whatever you want?

2011-06-09T12:38:00.000-04:00

“Eat whatever you want. No foods are restricted and you can have as much as you want.”

My heart sank when my therapist said this to me. I assumed that at some point after therapy that I would be able to go back to Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig and lose my weight. After all, chapter 5 of the Beck Diet Solution is called, “Pick Two Reasonable Diets.” I figured face-to-face therapy would work the same way.

Immediately I considered amending my original plan (step 1: reprogram thinking; step 2: lose weight) to (step 1: lose weight; step 2: reprogram thinking). The only problem is that dieting had become an impossible task. Every minute of a dieting day is difficult and angst-ridden. I had been down this road before with intuitive eating and frankly the idea of no structure scared the hell out of me.

And then she added: “But, you must write down what you want to eat first.” Well, I thought. At least there is some sort of structure.

Here were my guidelines:

• Prepare a meal plan for the day.

• Include details such as portion size and number of helpings.

• No foods are off-limits as long as I write it down in the meal plan first.

• If I want to eat something that is not in the meal plan, I had to plan that food or additional helping into a future meal.

• Plan my meals the day before, or any time during the day.

I already found meal planning and journaling difficult, so my first week was challenging. Even though I could plan to eat whatever I wanted, I remained paralysed from making food choices. So, with the help of my therapist, we planned a few days of meals together. I allowed for reasonable portion sizes and planned for a good mix of healthy and not-as-healthy snacks and balanced meals.

As for following my own meal plan, it went fairly well. Sometimes I found that I wanted an additional helping of something (let’s say granola) that was not planned for. The need for more granola would grow, and become focused; the only way to satisfy this need was to give in and eat the additional helping of granola. That is when I learned that the need, the feeling I was experiencing was anxiety. Anxiety from 20 years of dieting telling me that granola is bad for me. That I shouldn’t be eating one bowl of granola, let alone two or three bowls.

I asked my therapist: “What do I do to handle the anxiety? How do I make it go away?”

She replied: “You have to learn to sit with it. It will pass.”

Anxiety: the weight loss saboteur

2011-06-08T16:21:00.000-04:00

Souvlaki on Monday. Roast Chicken on Tuesday. Baked Fish on Wednesday. Frittata on Thursday. Chicken Pizza on Friday.

Hubbie and I sit at the dining room table planning out the menu for the work week. For most families, this is a one person job. I, however, am unable to plan meals without assistance. My thoughts are paralysed when it comes to food. I have such a hard time making a decision about what to eat. It’s even worse if I have to make a spur of the moment decision.

This food is unhealthy. This food is too healthy. I can only have a little bit of this food. This food doesn’t satisfy me emotionally. This food is only for special occasions. I don’t like how this food tastes. This food tastes too good and I may eat all of it.

With all the diet speak and rebel against the diet speak floating around in my head; you can see why I have a tough time with meal planning.

Through therapy, I discovered that I have a lot of anxiety when it comes to food. This comes from 20 years of flipping between diet mode and planning to diet mode. You may be familiar with planning to diet mode: eating big helpings of all those off-limit foods because you will no longer be able to eat said foods once you go into portion-controlled, restricting-your-food diet mode again.

The problem with anxiety is that it makes you hungry. I suspect that many people like me do not like feeling anxiety and eat to make it go away. To tackle anxiety, I had to learn (and believe) the following:

I can eat it if I really want it. (But, I will try to delay or distract myself before having another helping.)
I can have more/buy more/make more if I need it.
I'm feeling the anxiety because I think I must limit myself.
I must learn to sit with the anxiety. It will pass.

Two apples too many?

2011-06-07T15:23:00.000-04:00

“Go to the left, go to the left. TO THE LEFT. Damn.”

I was willing the physician’s weigh scale indicator to move to the left. It didn’t. It moved to the right. Two and ¾ pounds to the right to be exact. “That’s ok.” I remark to the two members of my TOPS branch who measure and record my weight gain. I had a feeling that I was going see a gain, but I always hope for loss. I hope I sound upbeat, but I’m disappointed. I quickly review a week’s worth of eating in my head. Doubt starts to set in. This is nuts. I need Weight Watchers to lose weight. Where did I put the program material for TOPS?

I was riding high from last week’s loss and the absence of intense cravings for junk food. My goal for this week was to build on last weeks’ success. I brought my lunch to work each day, adding vegetables to the workday menu. Again, at work, I only bought food at Metro that I needed. Plus, I racked up more than 6 hours of walking.

On the flip side, the weekend was dotted with decisions involving high-calorie foods: a caramel pecan square from the Glen Oven Bakery, BBQ pineapple and cool whip for Saturday night dessert, chocolate and nut covered ice cream bar brought home by hubbie for a Sunday afternoon snack, just hours before consuming two helpings of birthday cake. Oh yes, I almost forgot about the mini cupcakes on Friday night.

I know that sounds like a lot of sweets for a Mom trying to lose her baby weight, but I actually thought that I handled it quite well; like a thin person. I split the caramel pecan square in half and ate it on two separate occasions. Hubbie’s BBQ’d pineapple and cool whip dessert tastes delicious and is much lighter than other desserts such as a mini cupcake. I ate one mini cupcake with my son at dinner time and had another one after he went to bed. I wanted third one, but decided that I did not need the extra 110 calories.

The ice cream bar was an “oops” moment, but like a thin person, I’m not going to dwell on it. Regarding the birthday cake, my plan was to ask for a small piece; unfortunately I lost my thin person voice when a bigger piece was offered. For some reason, I decided to have another piece once we got home (oops, moving on).

But I have to keep things in perspective: weight fluctuates throughout the day, perhaps more dinner and water was sitting in my stomach than last week. Plus, I learned from my son’s paediatrician that apples are a binding food. One apple a day keeps the doctor away, but perhaps two apples are too many. An overdue BM could easily account for the gain.

It took a long time to put on this weight, and it’s going to take a long time to lose it. I need to remind myself that gains are going to happen frequently in this process, and what is important is that my net weight decreases with time.

1 week/+2.75

Nothing says "I'm dieting" more than a food journal

2011-06-06T11:19:00.000-04:00

Ah – food journals. Recording one’s food intake is a loathsome part of dieting. It’s just another side of dieting that offers daily opportunities for feelings of guilt and shame.

Dieting motivation is always high in the beginning. It courses through my veins like a sugar rush; it’s easy to journal, kind of fun in a way. “Look at all the healthy food I’m eating!” “Look another glass of water I can check off!” I say to myself.

But as time marches on, I start to believe that writing in the food journal is not as important as originally thought. I begin to skip this task; a meal here, a day there.

Motivation wanes. Unplanned eating begins to increase and goes on undocumented in the food journal. Soon there is less recorded eating and more unrecorded eating.

“What’s the point?” I think to myself and journaling stops altogether. The dieting effort stops shortly thereafter, as terminating journaling always seems to be the beginning of the end of dieting.

So I was hesitant when my therapist asked me to record my food intake. “Eat whatever you would normally eat. No restrictions on your food or in the amount that you eat.” Immediately I felt my body going into a diet mode and every fibre in me wanted to rebel against the task. However, I reminded myself that I had come for help and apparently journaling was going to help in some way.

The therapy food journal required far greater detail than a regular dieting journal. Along with the usual documentation of food and drink consumed, I was also required to note: time of eating or drinking; indicate episodes that I considered binge eating; any compensatory behaviour (such as purging or laxatives); and events of feelings that influenced my eating. And, record my weight.

Although it took me six more months to actually step on a scale to record my weight, the therapy food journal provided a new perspective into my eating issues.

I was shocked to learn that a lot of my problems actually came from dieting.

Not a normal eater

2011-06-01T11:41:00.001-04:00

“You just have to stop eating so much.”

My friend’s words irritated me. Of course I know that. I’ve been dieting on and off for years. It was the final trimester of pregnancy, and I was starting to think about the daunting task of losing all the baby weight.

I responded: “I’m telling you, there is something different between you and me. You don’t think about food the same way I do. You don’t obsess and think about food every minute of the day. There is something wrong in my head and I don’t think there is any point in attempting to diet unless I address that first.”

My friend is one of these people who can have a box of cookies sitting on her desk for weeks at a time. She has never struggled to lose or maintain weight. She is a thin person and thinks like a thin person. I have no doubt that if her brain and thin thinking could somehow be inserted into my head that she would have an easier time losing the baby weight (and more) that I’m currently lugging around.

I was going to do things differently this time. This time, I had a new plan: step 1: go to therapy and reprogram my thinking. Step 2: start diet and lose weight. In September 2010, I was ready to implement the plan.

In the first appointment we talked about my eating/weight issues history, including bulimia, perpetual cycles of weight loss and gain, countless Weight Watchers' memberships, and previous attempts at therapy to address these issues.

I developed bulimia shortly after retiring from seven years as a competitive synchronized swimmer. Even though I stopped purging twenty years ago, I continued to binge-eat (or perceive myself as binge-eating) and never resolved the underlying issues of the eating disorder. I learned that my suspicions were correct and that I am not normal eater, and I have an eating disorder. It's called Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS).

We discussed what I wanted to get out of therapy and setting goals; having a normal relationship with food. I want to be a person who can have ice cream in the freezer, chips in the pantry and a bag of cookies on my desk. I don't want to be ruled by cravings and feelings of guilt and dissatisfaction. I told my her that I wasn't hopeful that I could change. Without skipping a beat, she told me that I should be hopeful.

Returning to work - the return to very easy access to junk food

2011-05-31T10:58:00.000-04:00

With mixed feelings, I returned to work last Tuesday after a yearlong maternity leave. Above all, I will miss spending time with my kids: trips to the library, kinder jump and play; play dates in Hamilton, window-shopping at the mall and hanging out at home.

Going back to work also means a new environment. An environment with close proximity to a Metro (grocery store), two Tim Horton’s donut shops, a Dollarama (chock full of discounted chocolate bars) and peers bearing baked goods and junk food to celebrate birthdays, holidays or just because. On the flip side, it also means a structured day and a commute that includes a 2 KM walk from Union train station to my workplace.

So how did my first week back shake out? Did cognitive therapy make a difference?

It went well. Therapy made a big difference.

During the last week, I ate chocolate and cookies every day. I enjoyed regular snacks. On some days, I enjoyed dessert such as Cold Stone ice cream and hot chocolate. I even went to McDonald’s one day for lunch. I’d say that the week went well. I believe I thought and ate like a thin person. I even lost weight.

Let me explain:

“I ate chocolate and cookies every day.”
That’s a small handful of animal crackers and chocolate chips.

“I enjoyed regular snacks.”
I ate up to three Satsuma oranges and two Gala apples during the work day and shared a couple of apples after dinner with my oldest son and husband.

“On some days, I enjoyed desserts such as Cold Stone ice cream and hot chocolate.”
I should add that I had a second serving of ice cream on Saturday night with my husband.

“I even went to McDonald’s one day for lunch.”
Instead of ordering a McChicken combo, I now order a cheeseburger with small fries and a diet coke.

In addition, I brought my breakfast and lunch from home (whole wheat English muffin with PBJ for breakfast, sliced deli meat and havarti cheese on a toasted bun for lunch) each day and I only bought food when necessary - buns for sandwiches, sushi lunch with friends I had not seen in a long time and a Panago pizza on my first day back to work. I also increased exercising walking 4 KM each work day and about six hours of gardening, pulling hundreds of weeds from our lawn and gardens.

However, the most noticeable difference in returning to work after therapy was what wasn’t there. I didn’t crave timbits or Dollarama’s discount chocolate bars. I didn’t miss the McChicken sandwich or bigger serving of fries. I didn’t hunt around the grocery store for some sort of sweet treat. I didn’t even consider buying something at Union station that is full of junk food options: McDonald’s, Mrs. Fields cookies, Dairy Queen, Cinnabon etc. I wasn’t tempted to eat any of those foods. I had no cravings. I didn’t feel like I was missing out on something. I was satisfied. To me, this is how a thin person thinks.

2 weeks / - 6

Updating a year an a half of progress

2011-05-25T23:07:00.000-04:00

It's been an embarrassingly long time since my last post. It's May 2011 now. My last post was August. August 2009. I'd like to tell you that I have learned to think like a thin person and I've solved my weight issues. I haven't. In fact, I'm even heavier now, incredibly self-conscious and physically uncomfortable.

I have been productive during my year and a half blogging sojourn. My husband and I welcomed our second son to the world in May 2010. I started this pregnancy about forty pounds heavier than my first pregnancy, so I am at the heaviest weight of my life, with an overwhelming amount of weight to lose.

Following the Beck Diet Solution did not work for me. However, I know that cognitive behaviour therapy is the key to learning to think like a thin person and finally getting a handle on my weight. Instead of following a book, I decided to go a step further and find a cognitive behaviour therapist. I began therapy in September 2010.

Before therapy, I hunted for food. Obsessed about it. Thought about it constantly. I feared bringing ice cream, cookies or chocolate into the house. Those foods would rarely last 24 hours in my house. Now, eight months later, I haven't touched chocolate from Mother's Day. The box sits unopened on the kitchen counter. There is a box of ice cream in the freezer and I'm not tempted to have any. More importantly, I am making healthier choices and I'm happy to do so.

All in all, I'm hopeful for my future. But, I'm worried that I might regress into my old habits. I'm worried that thinking thinner won't get me thinner.

My plan is to write about what I've learned and discovered through the therapy. I think this will help me keep what I learned fresh and to remain steadfast in my quest to think and be a thin person.

Last Post about the Beck Diet Solution

2009-08-15T10:39:00.000-04:00

Luckily Dr. Beck says that it is ok to take more than one day before you start the next task. I've done fairly well at not eating while standing, but it's not easy. It's most difficult when I'm preparing food or visiting with friends. But I can see why it's important to avoid this, those calories consumed while standing are not acknowledged and won't satisfy your hunger.

I've also been working on the following task which is to give myself credit and acknowledging any eating (not eating) accomplishments. The flip side of giving yourself credit is to not be hard on yourself when you aren't perfect.

Last night I went out to dinner with my best friend who has a toddler that is the same age as mine. I didn't choose the healthiest meal - I ordered balsamic chicken (a lightly breaded chicken breast with a balsalmic cream sauce) with mashed potatoes and vegetables. The chicken wasn't the healthiest choice, but I was happy that I didn't order an appetizer, didn't finish all the potatoes and abstained from eating dessert. The manager even offered us a free dessert since my friend's chicken wasn't thoroughly cooked.

Next task: Eat mindfully and slowly
Another tip I learned from the Geneen Roth principles is to eat slowly. Eating slowly and mindfully is the next task in the Beck Diet Series. It takes twenty minutes for your brain to get the message that you are full. So you can be physically full and continue eating way more than necessary. You also want to enjoy your food, concentrate on the tastes and textures. The slower you eat, the less you eat. I know this works, but will take lots of practice for it to become a habit.

The Chocolate Chain of Compromise

2009-08-10T21:10:00.000-04:00

A miracle happened at the dollar store this morning. The packages of Miniature Skor bars disappeared from the dollar store chocolate aisle. Somehow, I got out of the store without buying a substitute. I'll admit, that I thought about Junior Mints or Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, but I decided to resist.

My colleague and I chatted outside at lunch today. I wanted a buy a little carton of chocolate milk, but decided against it. I told her that I was going to strengthen my muscle to resist and forego the chocolate milk. After discussing the nutritional value of chocolate milk, she suggested that I indulge in a healthier alternate to chocolate milk. This made me laugh since chocolate milk is a substitute for a chocolate bar. A chocolate bar is a substitute for a package of dollar store chocolate. A package of dollar store chocolate is a substitute for grocery store chocolate and grocery store chocolate is a substitute for warehouse store chocolate. That's the chocolate chain of compromise.

Today's Task
The next task is to eat sitting down. When you try this you'll find that it's harder than you think. It's important to eat sitting so you are aware of your eating and you are visually satisfied. Just think of all the mindless eating that happens when you are standing (taste testing your cooking, sampling food at the store, snacking in the food court). This is another Geneen Roth guideline that mirrors the Beck Diet Solution. I did not do well after work on this task. Standing up, I mindlessly ate the crust from my baby's toast and sampled the fritata to ensure the temperature was just right.

A note on Previous Tasks
I've prepared a wallet size ARC (Advantage Response Card) for my wallet. My reminder system isn't working well; I'm having trouble reading the card twice daily, and I'm definetely not reading the advantages when I'm craving chocolate in the chocolate aisle.

Chapter 5, Week 1, Day 2: Pick Two Reasonable Diets

2009-08-08T14:20:00.000-04:00

From time to time I wonder if my eating would be so out of control if I believed my mom when she said to me, "you're not fat, you look fine." For years she said this, and for years I never saw myself as thin enough.

I have never reached my goal weight. Even though I lost weight, it was never enough. I wanted to be thinner. I've always set myself up for disappointment and failure. Now I don't bother to set a goal weight. Whenever I am looking acceptable and can fit in nicer clothes, my motivation wanes and bad habits eventually creep back.

I know why and when my already low self image began. It's been 15 years, but I still remember the departing words from my snotty coach when I retired as a national-level athlete. She said, "so what are you going to do to stay thin?" Throughout my competitive career, my coaches would tell me to lose weight.

After retirement, I asked myself how could I stay thin if I was no longer training for 20+ hours a week? Maybe it was at this point that my brain decided that I could never be thin or perhaps it's self-fulfilling prophecy. I never really thought I could be thin, so now I go through an endless cycle of dieting and overeating.

The tasks for today is to pick two reasonable diets. I've been a Weight Watcher's girl for my dieting career. I hate the points system. It leaves too much freedom and not enough structure. I was glad when WW introduced the "core" plan that is a mix of the GI Diet concepts and points. So my two diet plan choices are the Simply Filling plan from Weight Watchers and the runner up choice is the points-based Momentum plan.

I would love to pick a plan that doesn't require planning and is portion-controlled (Jenny Craig), but it costs more than I want to spend and I think it is important to plan the food you are going to eat.

I've also noticed that I'm not reading my ARC card enough. I need to make multiple copies and post everywhere. That's it for today.

Chapter 5, Week 1, Day 1 Lay the Groundwork

2009-08-06T21:19:00.000-04:00

What a difference 24 hours make. After feeling in control of my food thoughts yesterday, today I'm fighting feelings of disappointment and discouragement. This morning, I made my way to the dollar store chocolate aisle and bought a box of Junior Mints. "It's a smaller package than the mini Skor bars," I said to myself. "Officially the diet part doesn't start for two weeks," I rationalized. An hour or so later after consuming the chocolate, my stomach inevitably started to rumble; but, I embraced the hunger. It wouldn't be too bad if this was the only instance of poor food choices for the day, but unfortunately it was only 9:30 a.m.

I had lunch plans so I knew eating challenges lay ahead. Unfortunately, my lunch mate brought her own lunch, and I made the snap decision to get a McChicken meal at McDonald's. I would feel better about the day if this was the final instance of poor food choices, but unfortunately it wasn't.

I don't even know what possessed me to pick up three chocolate cookies less than a half hour after my McChicken meal.

What I should have done is read my newly created ARC (Advantage Response Card), which was the first task of the program. The ARC is a tool that will help overcome sabotaging thoughts. I wrote on a card all the advantages of losing weight. The other part of the task is to implement a system to remind myself to read the ARC twice daily and "whenever you find yourself struggling with cravings, temptation, or sabotaging thoughts."

It's interesting how your reasons for dieting changes over a couple of decades. As a teen and in my twenties, I was more concerned with how my weight reflected in my image, but now I'm more concerned with health issues. So, why do I want to lose weight? What did I write on my ARC? From my perspective, the advantages to loosing weight are:

- I'll be in better health
- I'll feel in control of what I eat
- I'll be more physically fit
- I won't struggle with food choices
- I'll look better
- I'll be able to wear a smaller size
- I'll be able to look in the mirror
- I'll have more energy
- I won't be embarassed to eat in front of others
- I won't wasted money on junk food
- I'll have a normal relationship with food
- I won't have such strong cravings
- I won't feel guilty for unplanned eating
- It will feel good to resist junk food
- I want to minimize the mommy pouch

Wow, that's a big list.

Chapter 4: How to Use the Beck Diet Solution

2009-08-05T21:16:00.000-04:00

There was one other time when I attempted to fix the psychological side of my eating issues. I attended a weekly group counseling sessions to overcome my emotional eating. The group counselor plugged the principles of eating only when you are hungry, and eating only what your body tells you to eat as outlined in Geneen Roth’s books, “Why Weight? A Guide to Ending Compulsive Eating” and “Breaking Free from Emotional Eating.” Great theory. Great ideas. And very difficult to implement and maintain (for me at least).

Before attending this group counseling sessions, I was very stressed/depressed and overcome with feelings of guilt for eating “bad” foods. At the time, my cravings for "bad" food was very strong. I deprived myself of these foods to avoid the inevitable guilty conscious. The new principles broke down the guilt factor. Today, I only “eat when hungry” and “eat only what your body needs” when it suits me. So now, I routinely give myself permission to indulge in chocolate, baked goodies since my guilty feelings have softened over the years.

Chapter four: How to Use the Beck Diet Solution outlines how the program works. Basically there is a new task each day for six weeks. Some tasks are a one-time event; others are completed on a regular schedule (daily/weekly). Dr. Beck also recommends a 14-day wait period before starting a diet plan to help get in the right mindset. (Yikes, how many miniature Skor bars and chocolate wafers can I eat in fourteen days?)

What I like about the Beck Diet Solution (as opposed to the eating-only-when-hungry ideology) is that it’s a process; I’ll focus on one new task or lesson per day and build from there. I’m not overwhelmed with being perfect starting from day 1. The rules for the eating-only-when-hungry were few and simple, but I found difficult to implement especially for specific situations such as food in the office kitchenette or keeping temptations at bay after watching a Dairy Queen commercial.

After completing the Beck Diet Solution, I should notice the following things:
- Diminished cravings (yay!);
- No panicking when hungry (no time to panic, I eat long before hunger hits);
- Automatically plan food to eat each day (no a fan of food planning);
- Consistently follow the plan, even on special occasions (we’ll see);
- Feel proud about turning down food instead of feeling deprived (yay!);
- Feel proud of yourself (makes sense);
Time will tell if this program works for me, but I’m hopeful and positive and will work diligently on each task. I realize that it will take longer than six weeks to change my thinking permanently; I do think that this is the beginning of the end of my weight struggles.

So how did I do today? My first thought of food came on the train to work, when I realized that I wasn’t thinking about my morning snack (food bender). I was worried that I might begin dreaming about junk food snack, but the sabotaging thoughts didn’t escalate farther than a passing thought. I even managed to buy a diet coke at the dollar store without a visit to the chocolate aisle.

It felt good to feel free from constant obsessing about food. I was scared to think about the fact that I wasn't thinking about food. I immediately tried to think of something else since I thought that I would start thinking about Reese's peanut butter cups or skor bars. I shouldn't avoid these thoughts, I need to experience them to practice controlling them. I've been eating/snacking automatically for years, so it will take time to not eat automatically.

Chapter 3: How thin people think

2009-08-04T21:01:00.000-04:00

Obviously, I’m not yet thinking like a thin person. Take chapter three: How Thin People Think. Dr. Beck outlines eight characteristics that make dieting difficult. I, of course, can relate to all eight characteristics:

- Confuse hunger with the desire to eat
- Low tolerance for hunger and cravings
- Enjoy the full feeling
- Deny how much I eat
- Use food for comfort
- Feel helpless when I gain weight
- Focus on unfairness
- Stop dieting when I lose weight

For years I’ve been using any slight twinge of hunger (or desire masquerading as hunger) as an excuse to eat. I routinely buy small, snack-size chocolates at the checkout, rationalizing that the serving size is small so it doesn’t matter. I also manage to conveniently forget food consumed in the car, or that piece of toast while watching Survivor. I’ve already admitted to eating for any emotional reason: happy/sad/bored/just because.

The one characteristic that surprised me is “you focus on the issue of unfairness.” For years I always complained to myself that I couldn’t eat the same things that my thin friends ate, such as a slice of chocolate cake or a bag of potatoe chips. I dwelled on the fact that I couldn’t eat whatever I wanted. But the reality is, my thin friends never really ate that slice of cake or indulged in bag of potatoe chips.

From her research, Dr. Beck groups thin people into two groups: people who don’t have to work at staying thin and those who do. Naturally small appetites, eating only when hungry and exercising sufficiently are characteristics of those people who don’t have to work at staying thin. The other thin people work at it, eating smaller portions, low-calorie foods and eat fattening foods only on occasion. The difference between the later group and people like me is their mindset. The thin people don’t dwell on or struggle with restrictions and can manage the overwhelming barrage of sabotaging thoughts.

So how did I do today? After eating my healthy bowl of oatmeal (large flake variety has higher fiber content) for breakfast, I immediately thought, “what should I eat for a snack today?” and thoughtof all food available in the office’s food court: chocolate wafers, timbits, minature Skor bars, chocolate chip cookies, oatmeal raisin cookies (oatmeal has fiber, it can’t be all that bad) and frozen yogurt.

I managed to temporarily rebuff the sabotaging thought, but it stalked me all the way to work: at the train station, on the train and during the 25-minute walk to the office. I was proud of myself when I bought powder and cosmetic pads at the pharmacy. Unfortunately I stopped at the dollar store for a diet coke. And then I went to the chocolate aisle. And I picked up a bag of miniature Skor bars. At this point, my muscle to give-in is much stronger than my muscle to resist.

Chapter 2: What Really Makes You Eat

2009-08-03T14:21:00.000-04:00

About a month ago, I started and five days later stopped reading "The Beck Diet Solution." I suppose I stopped reading it since it imposed on my free-for-all eating binge that I've been on for the last few weeks, even months. This is another reason why I wanted to commit to writing about my progress. I have to think about the content more than if I was just reading it in passing each morning. Reading "Day 2: What really Makes You Eat" has made me think more about my reasons for eating. Just like Dr. Beck says, it always starts with a trigger and thought.

The key things that I learned today are:
- Although it very much seems like it is, eating is a choice it is not automatic.
- Eating starts with a thought which is brought about by a trigger.
- Triggers can be environmental (see, smell food), biological (hungry, thirsty), mental (thinking of a past food-eating experience), emotional (feeling happy/sad/bored) and social (friends/family encouraging you to eat).
- How you respond to the thought that comes after encountering a trigger, will determine whether you eat or not.
- Responding to these sabotaging thoughts is a skill that can be learned and will help keep weight off permanently.
- Which muscle do I want to strengthen? My resistance muscle, or my giving-in muscle?

This made me think about what happens when I eat (overeat). I don't crave junk food at mealtimes, but between meals, I'm always thinking about snacks and not the fruit and vegetable variety either. Especially if I'm alone. I think to myself: I'm alone, what can I eat now? Is there any ice cream in the freezer? Did we buy any treats this week during grocery shopping? Are there any leftovers from last night's dinner?

Rarely do I question the sabotaging thought to eat; the thought snowballs into action. I start hunting the kitchen. At times, I've resorted to eating baking chocolate. If nothing is available in the house, I'll start thinking about the food possibilities available by car or at the grocery store in the building at the office. Sooner or later, my thought about eating leads to overeating.

So with no specific tasks for today, I'll start to question when a trigger plants an eating thought in my head. Now that I know that I'd rather strengthen my muscle to resist.

Chapter 1: The Key to Success

2009-08-02T10:15:00.000-04:00

I've been preparing to start this program for a few weeks now. That means that I've been eating compulisely, overeating and eating junk on a daily basis. No one knows this since I'm very good at eating in secret. I ate an entire package of chocolate wafers in less than an hour at my desk. I didn't do this once, I did this twice last week and three times the week before!

I do this so I can eat all the tempting foods in whatever quantity I want since I can no longer eat this way once the diet starts. My distorted thinking rationalizes this behaviour to provide me with a motivation to change since I am so thoroughly disgusted with myself. However, this time no matter how many wafers, chocolate and ice cream I've consumed, it's been harder to get in the proper "headspace" for dieting. I'm just not feeling the will to eat sensibly and a strong-sense of motivation I have experienced previously. Perhaps this is another area that the "Beck Diet Solution" (BDS) will help me.

Day 1: The Key to Success
According to Beck, the key to success in dieting is knowing how to diet.

I already know how to diet: what to eat, what not to eat, eat less calories than my body burns and I'll loose weight. My interpretation of this statement means that this procees will help on the implementation part of the diet: how to avoid cheating, how to resist tempting foods, how to cope with hunger, cravings, stress, avoid using food for comfort and how to "talk back" to the sabotaging voice in my head.

There are no specific tasks for day one, but from reading this chapter, I've come to realize that many dieters think and rationalize like I do. Beck's book will also help provide solutions to problems that frequently come up with diet. Examples from the book that are some of my favorites are: "You felt upset and thought that eating would make you feel better." "You were too polite to turn down the dessert that your friend baked." "You felt like treating yourself." "You were too tempted by the sight of food when shopping."

Can you relate to these same problems? Do you have any other dieting problems you need a solution to?

Coming up tomorrow: Day 2: What really makes you eat...

Can I learn to think like a thin person?

2009-08-01T10:14:00.000-04:00

I've been a serial dieter for twenty years. I have gained and lost countless pounds. I know what to eat and as a former athlete, I actually like to exercise. But somehow, I am unable to make my weight loss permanent. Is my problem the way I think? Do I think like a fat person? Can I learn to think like a thin person?

I've come to realize that food will always be an issue for me. I've also realized that many people don't struggle with food like I do. Why do I struggle and others don't? Can I somehow change the way I think?

One morning, I read Emily Yoffe's Dear Prudence column and she suggested to a writer that sounded very much like myself to read Judith Beck's book, "The Beck Diet Solution." The tagline of her book reads, "train your brain to think like a thin person." I immediately ordered three of her books. I want to learn to think like a thin person. Can Dr. Beck's books end my food issues/addiction/obsession?

The Beck Diet Solution uses the principles of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) focusing on changing destructive, sabataging thoughts and re-wire negative behaviour into positive choices. In other words, it will train me to think like a thin person.

The Beck program is six-weeks long and has tasks for each day. I decided to write this blog to chronicle my journey through this book. I figure it will increase my commitment, dedication and chance for success.

Can I change the way I think? I sure hope so.

See you tomorrow for day 1: The Key to Success...